my knuckles like our predecessors (if you believe in that kind of thing) seemed a small price to pay. My celebration was short lived though, BT had the bars moving at a good clip but he was still a good two feet away from the truck when the first of our party crashers made their presence known. Through all the gun smoke I could tell that BT wasn’t alone in his efforts to move the behemoth, but it wasn’t going to be enough. The zombies were going to come through the opening and the first thing they were going to encounter was me. Well, no one said you had to stand up straight to fire a gun. There was a moment’s hesitation from the lead zombies as they banged up against the bars in frustration, but these weren’t your daddy’s zombies. These had the ability to learn and adapt. Through the opening they flooded. I was alone and trapped in a tunnel with the enemy. My AR was firing almost on its own. Zombies fell. Bone was devastated, blood spilled, innards became disemboweled. Sure my sight was still recovering from the blistering pain. My hearing was nearly non-existent but SMELL, lovely SMELL was 100% intact. What a cruel, cruel world we lived in now. The smell more than anything nearly sapped my will to live. I dropped to one knee as the olfactory invasion hit me with its full force. Intestines slithered toward me with a mind of their own, as the red ribbons spilled forth their contents. I retched. The sight of a small child’s fingers, one still wearing what looked like a Barbie ring came to a rest mere inches from where my face would drop when I passed out.
I felt the low thrum of vibration as the bars completed their journey, smacking into the side of the truck. Before I had the opportunity to fall forward, someone grabbed me from behind and dragged me back through into the office. The smell of shit that was probably forever burned into my nose decreased but conversely whatever had popped in my back and ankle renewed their fervor of agony. Scarlet once again threatened to overwhelm my senses and all I could think about was that I now had an excuse to not going dancing when my wife asked me to. Go back to the part about ASKING. I was dragged unceremoniously a few feet further into the office. It was no big deal. The pain at this point couldn’t get any worse. It was many long minutes that I took to recover from the worst of it. It receded slowly, like high tide. It kept coming in to shore but each progressive wave just a wee bit shorter than the previous. Five, six days max I might feel decent again.
“Mike! Mike!” Someone said urgently as they shook my shoulder. High tide surged in with the force of a full moon.
“Fuck, stop.” I said weakly, holding up my hand.
“Sorry Mike.” Alex said.
I wanted to say it was nothing, but the energy exerted to tell the lie didn’t seem worth the effort.
“Mike what do we do once I get to the truck and pull away?”
I wanted to tell him to go to a pharmacy first and get me some Percocet. Then find a little Asian masseuse (I wouldn’t even care if she was cute or not) to do some deep tissue massage on every part of my aching body. But again that would call for a lot of effort on my flagging reserves and with no real promise of a pay out on my requests. What was the point.
“Mike?!” He nearly shook me again, but I think the look of wretchedness in my eyes kept him at bay. “As soon as I pull away, you’ll have an opening back into the office.”
“The best laid plans.” I said. I had never thought that far. I figured that once we had access to the truck everything else would fall into place. Yeah, not so much. Once the truck was gone, we would effectively open up our restaurant for business. Brainer King’s, McFleshald’s, take your pick. The devil is in the details.
“A few might follow the truck, but once the rest see that hole, they’ll come flooding in here.” Alex reiterated.
BT thumped down next to me, even in my distress I could tell he was exhausted, sweat droplets the size of nickels dotted his forehead. His shirt was soaked. He hung his head down, taking deep breaths. “You did all right, Talbot.” He said with his chin touching his chest.
“You too BT.” I said between clenched teeth.
“You look like you broke your nuts.”
“I might have BT,” came my glum reply. “But I’m married so I don’t really need them.'
Even in his wiped out state I still was able to receive a healthy laugh from him.
“Mike.” Alex beseeched.
“Right, I almost forgot.” Well maybe not so much not remembering as it was wishful deniability.
“What’s up?” BT asked as he raised his head off his chest.
“Once the truck leaves, we’ll have an open door policy.”
BT looked at me for a second, digesting the new information.
“I guess you didn’t think this out too well?” BT stated flatly. And then he did something completely unexpected. He busted out laughing. It was infectious. In between moans I was laughing too, tears streaming out of my eyes. I won’t lie, some were from the pain but most were from the sheer mad hatter laugh.
“What the fuck Mike?” Alex said so seriously. I burst out with a whole new round of gut splitting (bad example in light of recent events) laughter.
“Sorry, sorry.” I said grabbing on to my stomach to ease the spasming muscles. “Okay, I’m fine sorry.” Alex’ look of consternation set me off again. BT was literally prostrate on the floor slapping his hand down on the ground because he was laughing so hard. “Okay I’m better now.” I said through a huge grin that threatened to split my face in two, though some might consider that an improvement.
BT sat back up, wiping his broad forehead with his hand. “Whew. I think I’m done.” He looked over to me, I’m pretty sure the pathetic look on my face is what set him off again.” Riotous laughter exploded from BT, even the zombies stopped for a second.
After several long moments BT was able to finally string a question together. “Did you swallow some?” BT asked.
“Swallow what?” I asked innocently as the bile in my stomach churned.
“Talbot you have a piece of what looks like a liver on your chin.”
I absently wiped the incriminating evidence away, while also shuddering in revulsion.
“What happens if he eats a zombie, does he become one?” Eddy asked. One of the here to fore silent children.
Ah, precocious kids, don’t you just want to throw them up against a wall and see if they stick?
BT looked at me like I had the answer to Eddy’s query.
“How the fuck would I know.” I answered his unasked question.
“You’d probably have to have an ulcer or something so that the infection could get into your blood stream.” Joann stepped up and gave her educated guess.
“Well what of it, Talbot, you got any ulcers?” BT asked, with not a hint of his earlier merriment.
“Shit BT even if I did, do you think now would be the time for me to disclose that.”
BT didn’t know whether to shoot me or laugh his ass off again.
Tracy saved the day. “BT, he doesn’t give a shit enough about anything besides himself to develop an ulcer.”
That was all it took, BT’s threatening stance instantly turned back to laughter. I hoped Tracy and Joann were right and Eddy could go fuck himself. My stomach lurched under the strain of digesting the zombie’s unmentionables.
I was SO ready to let go again and join BT, although this trip down the rabbit hole might lead me to a rubber room. But let’s reason this out, if you are out-of-your mind insane in a sane world, then it is like algebra, you have a negative times a positive, so that makes it a negative. So far so good. Now if you are an off your rocker lunatic in a demented, deranged world, than you have a negative times a negative, which is a positive. I think I was on to something. It was like the old adage, if you can’t beat them, become as crazy as a fucking loon and enjoy the ride, or something along those lines.
BT had finished up his latest laugh-spell and was looking over to me while I was pondering the benefits of psychosis. “So what’s the plan Talbot?”
“Huh? Oh, what the hell makes you think I’ve got a plan?”
“I’ve known you for three weeks, Talbot. I haven’t seen you yet not have a plan, whether they are good or not, doesn’t matter you still always have one.”
“Fine but you’re not going to like it.”
“Does it involve me getting eaten by those ugly freaks?” He asked motioning with his head over to the
