Asexuality: A Brief Introduction

clear where you fit if you occasionally feel something that could potentially be sexual attraction, but it’s so weak that a passing breeze is enough to make it stop? Is it clear where you fit if you’re sometimes sexually attracted to people and you like sex, but don’t feel any drive to seek it out and would be fine without it? Is it clear where you fit if you’re not sure what sexual attraction even is, let alone whether or not you’ve felt it? Gray-asexuals live in this land of confusion.

So what is gray-asexuality, then? The description you’re giving is a bit fuzzy.

The definition of “gray-asexual” is intentionally vague. It’s meant to be a catch-all for anyone who feels they fall somewhere near asexual on the spectrum between “sexual” and “asexual”. There’s no strict criteria for what makes someone “gray”, there’s no shining dividing line. If there were, it wouldn’t be a gray area.

It’s a bit like the purple spectrum between red and blue. When you’re close to red or blue, the color can be described as “reddish” or “bluish”. There’s no clear line where being “reddish” stops, but it’s clear that it stops somewhere. I mean, you can’t be one tick away from blue and still describe the color as “reddish”. Gray-asexuality is sort of like “asexual-ish”.

Do demisexuals and gray-asexuals fall in love?

Like asexuals, graces and demis come in all flavors of romantic orientation. Someone can be a heteroromantic demisexual or a panromantic gray-asexual. For a demisexual person, a romantic relationship could potentially be the catalyst for sexual attraction, however, it won’t necessarily happen just because someone’s in love.

Gray-asexuals and demisexuals can be even aromantic and not be romantically attracted to anyone. Additionally, a person can be demiromantic or gray-romantic, which are similar to being demisexual or gray- asexual, but around romantic attraction, rather than sexual.

How can you know you’re demi or gray and not asexual?

Well, if you sometimes experience sexual attraction, that’s a pretty good sign that you’re not asexual.

Aside from that, if you feel like you’re almost asexual, but not quite for some reason, then perhaps gray- asexual would be a better fit. If you’re asexual most of the time, but there’s that one person you’re close to who’s an exception, then maybe demisexual would work.

How can you know you’re asexual and not demi or gray?

If you don’t feel like you’re demi or gray, then you’re not. There’s no 100% surefire way to determine that just because you’ve never experienced sexual attraction before, that you won’t tomorrow. You can be fairly sure that it’s not going to happen if it’s never happened before, but it can’t be ruled out completely.

It’s a bit like a scientific theory: It can never be proven entirely, it can only be disproven. After all, everyone who has experienced sexual attraction had a first time, and they probably weren’t expecting it to happen, either.

Look at it this way: There are plenty of straight people in the world. Most of them have never been attracted to a member of the same sex. But how can they know for sure that they won’t be? How can they be certain they don’t have dormant bisexual tendencies? The common response is “Well, I just know”, but really, it’s impossible to know for sure. It’s not something that stresses out a lot of straight people, yet I see a lot of aces worried that they might really be gray or demi.

For me, I’m asexual. I don’t expect that it’ll turn out that I’m actually gray or demi, but if it does, I’m not going to push it away. If I happen to experience sexual attraction one day, then okay, I’ve learned that I’m not asexual after all. I’m not going to let this word that describes me very well right now tell me what to do in the future. You’re not permanently locked into asexuality for the rest of your life once you’ve used the word to describe yourself, so if it no longer fits, don’t try to make it fit.

Celibacy, Abstinence, Asexuality

I have a friend that hasn’t had sex in a while. Does that mean they’re asexual?

No. Not having sex makes that person celibate. It doesn’t make them asexual.

But isn’t “Asexuality” just a fancy-sounding word for “Celibacy”?

No, not at all. Celibacy and asexuality are two different concepts. Celibacy means someone doesn’t have sex. Asexuality means someone doesn’t have sexual attraction.

I still don’t see how those are any different. They both mean that person isn’t getting any.

Not necessarily. Asexuality describes an orientation, not behavior. Heterosexuals are attracted to the opposite sex, homosexuals are attracted to the same sex, and asexuals aren’t attracted to any sex. However, it’s possible for someone to have sex with someone they’re not sexually attracted to. Someone can be asexual and still have sex. It’s not like we’re going to kick them out of the club or anything.

So… What is the difference, then?

Here’s a handy-dandy cheat sheet for you:

Celibacy: Not having sex for some reason. (“I don’t have sex because __________.”)

Abstinence: Choosing not to have sex for some reason. (“I don’t have sex because I choose not to.”)

Asexuality: Not having sexual attraction. May or may not have sex. (“Sex? What’s that? Please pass the cake.”)

A lot of people try to explain the difference between asexuality and celibacy by saying something like “Celibacy is a choice. Asexuality is not.” I don’t agree with that characterization.

First of all, it implies that celibacy and asexuality are nearly equivalent concepts, where one is voluntary and the other is involuntary. This is not correct. Asexuality describes an orientation, not a behavior, while celibacy is only talking about behavior. Someone who is celibate is not having sex by definition, while someone who is asexual may or may not be having sex. It is possible for a person to have sex multiple times a day, yet still be asexual.

Secondly, the claim that celibacy is a choice is not always correct. A celibate person is a person who is not having sex, but the reason for them not having sex could be beyond their control. For example, someone could be in a situation where there are no partners available, or they’re away from their partner for a long time, such as being locked up in prison or on the International Space Station for a few months. In that case, it’s not a choice to be celibate, it’s a product of their environment. Likewise, someone could be celibate because they simply don’t have a partner at the moment for whatever reason. Those people may want sex and would have sex if it were available, but circumstances have forced them to be celibate. (In some cases, people have taken the phrase “involuntarily celibate” or “incel” to describe their condition. To claim that celibacy is a choice is to erase those people.) Abstinence is the choice not to have sex.

Now I’m confused. Does that mean that an asexual cannot be celibate or abstinent?

No. Asexuality and celibacy are separate concepts, however, they may overlap in an individual. Many