Asexuality: A Brief Introduction

I saw her face when I closed my eyes, I felt her touch after she was gone, I smelled her hair on the breeze, I heard her voice in the silence.

She was everything to me.

I just wasn’t all that interested in sleeping with her.

Forward Advances

I was watching a TV show today when a familiar scene came on. There was a woman who was interested in a male character, and in order to make her intentions clear, she physically forces herself on him as he sits in a chair. Usually, this scene leads to one of the following outcomes:

A: Sex

B: Someone walks in on them and interrupts (And they typically end up having sex later anyway)

C: Outright refusal (And they typically end up having sex later anyway)

Today, it got me thinking: What would I do in this situation?

Then I remembered… I’ve actually been in this situation, so I know exactly what I’d do.

I just sat there.

It was almost ten years ago now. I was meeting an Internet friend for the first time. She had made her feelings for me quite clear, but I didn’t feel the same for her. I expected some sort of physical display of affection, a hug, maybe a kiss. I knew it would probably be awkward and I almost didn’t want to meet her because of it.

We’d been together for a couple of hours when she told me that she wanted to sit for a bit. We were on the fourth floor of a university building and there was a small study lounge at the end of the hall. We sat and chatted a bit while looking out the window.

Then she pounced.

She flew over into my seat and pressed herself against me. With one hand, she rubbed my chest, the other hand ran through my hair. She pressed her lips against my neck.

I just sat there. I watched the people in the courtyard below.

I couldn’t push her away because that would kill her.

I couldn’t actively take part because that would be a lie.

She pressed closer.

I felt like I wasn’t there. If I were there, I’d react. I’d want to kiss her, to touch her. But I didn’t feel anything.

Why didn’t I feel anything?

Here was a friendly, attractive woman who obviously wanted me. No one had ever expressed an interest in me like this before. She wanted to do this for months. I wanted nothing.

And I just sat there.

This isn’t right.

Why didn’t I want her?

Why didn’t I feel anything?

Why couldn’t I feel anything?

What is wrong with me?

I watched the people in the courtyard below.

I replayed that moment in my mind over and over in the days that followed. The weeks, the months, the years that followed. I searched for clues, for hints, for anything that would help to unlock the mystery of my heart. There was nothing there to find.

When I discovered asexuality, this memory was one of the first that jumped to mind. Everything finally snapped into place and became perfectly clear to me. Nothing was wrong with me at all. That’s just not the way I’m wired.

Glossary

Abstinence: Not participating in sexual activity (often specifically partnered sexual activity) by choice.

Ace: Colloquial abbreviation of “asexual”. Often used to refer to asexual people in a similar manner as “gay” or “straight” are used to refer to homosexual or heterosexual people.

Ace Spectrum: The grouping of asexual, demisexual, and gray-asexual under a single umbrella of related sexual orientation.

Aesthetic Attraction: Non-sexual/non-romantic attraction to the way someone looks. Often described as the desire to “admire someone like a painting”, but not necessarily anything further.

Affectional Orientation: See “Romantic Orientation”.

Antisexual: General dislike of sexuality or sexual activity, including instances where other people are involved. Often accompanied by the belief that sex or sexuality in any form is “bad” or “wrong”. Antisexual views should not be confused with asexuality.

Aromantic: A romantic orientation characterized by a persistent lack of romantic attraction toward any gender.

Arousal: Being “turned on”, generally accompanied by a physical genital response, such as erection and/or lubrication.

Asexuality: A sexual orientation characterized by a persistent lack of sexual attraction to any gender.

Biromantic: A romantic orientation characterized by romantic attraction to both males and females.

Bisexual: A sexual orientation characterized by sexual attraction to both males and females.

Black Ring: When worn on the middle finger of the right hand, a black ring is an indicator that a person is asexual.

Cake: Better than sex. Also better than pie.

Celibacy: Not participating in sexual activity (often specifically partnered sexual activity) for any reason, not necessarily because of a personal choice.

Coming Out: The act of revealing one’s sexual orientation to others.

Demi: A colloquial abbreviation of “Demisexual”.