that I couldn't do all the things that she was used to doing and enjoyed, the travel, the nights out at the theater, the symphony, or the ball park. We weren't there yet, she said, and besides, it was her life and that decision was up to her.
We navigated our way around these land mines, stepping on a few, staying together because what we had was so much better than what we'd come from and we knew too well what it was like to be alone, both of us struggling with being in love.
Kate had been on the road the last few weeks pitching prospective corporate clients, so busy we'd not seen each other or said more than good night or good morning over the phone. I was glad to see her when she picked me up for dinner at seven Saturday evening. I preferred not to drive at night when I was more likely to spasm and contort my way into a plaintiff's lawyer's payday.
'I made a reservation at Axios,' she said when I got in her car.
'That place off of Fifty-fifth and Brookside?'
'Yes. It's French. Fine dining encourages two things we haven't had enough of lately-quiet conversation and intimacy.'
'We can talk all you want but they better have a hell of a dessert menu because I prefer my intimacy served at your place or mine.'
'Brian is with his father this weekend so you might get lucky if you clean your plate.'
We sipped the wine, lingered through dinner, and talked. It was quiet and intimate. I led off, telling her about Lucy Trent, Ammara Iverson, and the envelope from Wendy.
'What do you think was in the envelope?' she asked.
'I've got no idea. Could have been anything from a card to a confession.'
'I'm sure Ammara will tell you if they find it.'
I nodded. 'Trouble is, she'll wait until it's all over before she tells me.'
'And you don't like being shut out in the meantime.'
'Not so much.'
'But you have to accept that because the FBI has the people and resources to do the job and you don't and you don't need the stress.'
'Not so much,' I said with a grin that she didn't reciprocate. 'Okay, yes.'
'I know it's hard, but it will be easier on you if you let Ammara handle it.'
Her concern was legitimate and genuine but that didn't make it welcome. It was another reminder of limitations I resented more than I accepted. There was no point in having this argument since we both knew that I couldn't and wouldn't sit on the sidelines. I decided to change the subject before telling her about my job for Milo Harper.
'How's Brian?'
She let out a long sigh. 'His grades are down and his barriers are up. I want him to see a therapist but his father says to give him time to figure things out on his own. I'm the disciplinarian and Alan is the laid back retro- hippy. Guess which one of us Brian prefers?'
'No contest, but take it from me, you can't make a teenager do anything. Any luck on your trip?'
'No. Our business went into the tank six months ago and isn't getting any better. I've spent the last three weeks smiling while being turned down.'
'The economy catching up to you?'
'Maybe. We've reduced our salaries and laid off some staff but if things don't get better soon, I don't know how long we can keep the doors open.'
'What would you do if you didn't have the firm?' I asked her.
She reached across the table, taking my hand in hers, caressing my fingers like worry beads. 'I don't know. Teach, probably, or do what I've been doing only on a smaller scale, work from home. Neuromarketing is a hot new field. It's all about how the brain influences decision making. My skills are transferable to that field. I might put out some feelers.'
'You could talk to Milo Harper, take his offer.'
'I'd rather starve.'
'Why? He seems okay.'
She withdrew her hand. 'And you know that how?'
I told her about my conversation with Simon, my meeting with Harper, and that I had accepted Harper's job offer.
She folded her arms across her chest. 'When were you going to get around to telling me?'
'I thought I'd wait until we finished your list.'
She frowned. 'Sorry. I'm whining.'
'Nope. Not your nature. You worry, argue, and dissect but you don't whine. So why is working for Harper worse than roaming the streets rummaging through trash cans?'
She parked her elbows on the table, locked her fingers together, and rested her chin on her hands and studied me. I knew her well enough to know that she was thinking about more than her answer. She was anticipating the conversation that would follow, mapping it out in her mind.
'I don't trust him.'
'You've told me that before. Why not?'
She took a deep breath. 'He is not an honorable man.'
'That's two conclusions and zero facts. Convince me,' I said.
'I saw it in his face when he tried to recruit me.'
'You didn't like his involuntary facial expressions? What did he do, flash a secret smirk or stick his tongue out at you?'
She wadded her linen napkin and threw it onto the table. 'Don't demean what I do, Jack.'
'I'm not demeaning it one bit. I know your track record but you're not infallible. Give the guy a chance.'
'That's the point. I gave him a chance when there was nothing on the line. He told me about his vision for the institute, how the brain is the last frontier and how he needed someone with my expertise.'
'And you thought he was blowing smoke?'
'No, I'm sure he believes every word.'
'Then what?'
'He asked me what it would take for me to come work for him. I told him there was nothing he could do because I was happy with my firm. He asked whether I would reconsider if there were no firm. I told him that we were doing quite well and I couldn't imagine that happening. That's when he told me that life is uncertain and that he could imagine anything happening. When he said that, he revealed part of his hidden self. His expression was ravenous, like a wild animal.'
'He's a billionaire, for Christ's sake. They're all ravenous. That's how they got so rich.'
'He's a billionaire who sits on the boards of three of our biggest clients-all of whom quit using us after I turned Harper down. That was six months ago.'
'I thought you said it was the economy.'
'That's what the general counsels of each company told me. Then I found out that they hired our competition.'
'You think Harper is sabotaging your practice so you'll accept his job offer? C'mon.'
She ran her fingers through her hair. 'I think he's sabotaging my practice because I didn't accept his offer. You can work for him if you like, but I won't.'
I leaned back in my chair. Kate was right more often than she was wrong but this was thin.
'I need this job,' I said.
She grabbed the edge of the table with both hands. 'Why? So you'll feel useful and validated? So you won't feel disabled? Jack, you're so much more than that. You can't spend the rest of your life trying to go back to who you used to be. You've got to be who you are now.'
'That's not enough,' I said, the words catching in my throat as the shakes claimed me.
Kate took my hand, waiting for the tremors to fade. 'I think we can both use some dessert. Let's go. My place.'
