I laughed joyously, and saved the words for when next he bragged to me. 'And Regal?' I encouraged her.
'Regal. Umm.' She smiled dreamily at me, then laughed at the scowl on my face. 'We do not speak of the Princes, my dear. Some propriety is kept.'
I pulled her back down beside me and kissed her. She fit her body to mine and we lay still under the arching blue sky. Peace that had eluded me for so long now filled me. I knew that nothing could ever part us, not the plans of kings nor the vagaries of fate. It seemed, finally, to be the right time to tell her of my problems with Shrewd and Celerity. She rested warm against me and listened silently as I spilled out to her the foolishness of the King's plan and my bitterness at the awkward position it brought me. It did not occur to me that I was an idiot until I felt a warm tear spill and then slide down the side of my neck.
'Molly?' I asked in surprise as I sat up to look at her. 'What's wrong?'
'What's wrong?' Her voice went high on the words. She took a shuddering breath. 'You lie beside me and tell me you are promised to another. And then you ask me what's wrong?'
'The only one I am promised to is you,' I said firmly.
'It's not that simple, FitzChivalry.' Her eyes were very wide and serious. 'What will you do when the King tells you that you must court her?'
'Stop bathing?' I asked.
I had hoped she would laugh. Instead she pulled away from me. She looked at me with a world of sorrow in her eyes. 'We haven't got a chance. Not a hope.'
As if to prove her words, the sky darkened suddenly above us and the squall winds rose. Molly leaped to her feet, snatching up her cloak and shaking sand from it. 'I'm going to get soaked. I should have been back to Buckkeep hours ago.' She spoke flatly, as if those two things were the only concerns that she had.
'Molly, they would have to kill me to keep me from you,' I said angrily.
She gathered up her market purchases. 'Fitz, you sound like a child,' she said quietly. 'A foolish, stubborn child.' With a pattering like flung pebbles, the first raindrops began to hit. They made dimples in the sand and swept across the rain in sheets. Her words had left me speechless. I could not think of a worse thing for her to have said to me.
I gathered up the red blanket, shook sand from it. She pulled her cloak tight against the wind that whipped at it. 'Best we don't go back together,' she observed. She came close to me, stood on tiptoe to kiss the angle of my jaw. I could not decide who I was angrier at, King Shrewd for creating this mess, or Molly for believing in it. I did not turn to her kiss. She said nothing of that, but only hurried away, to scrabble lightly up the rock chimney and vanish from sight.
All joy had gone out of my afternoon. What had been as perfect as a gleaming seashell was now crushed bits under my feet. I walked disconsolately home through gusting winds and pelting rain. I had not rebound my hair and it whipped in lank strands across my face. The wet blanket stank as only wool can and bled red dye onto my hands. I went up to my room and dried off, then amused myself by carefully preparing the perfect poison for Wallace. One that would rack his bowels before he died. When the powder was mixed fine and put in a twist of paper, I set it down and looked at it. For a while I considered taking it myself. Instead, I took up needle and thread to devise a pocket inside my cuff where I could carry it. I wondered if I would ever use it. The wondering made me feel more a coward than ever.
I did not go down to dinner. I did not go up to Molly. I opened my shutters and let the storm spill rain across my floor. I let the hearth fire go out and refused to light any candles. It seemed a time for gestures like those. When Chade opened his passage to me, I ignored it. I sat on the foot of my bed, staring out into the rain.
After a time I heard hesitant footsteps come down the stairs. Chade appeared in my darkened room like a wraith. He glared at me, then crossed to the shutters and slammed them shut. As he hooked them he asked me angrily, 'Have you any idea of the kind of draft that creates in my rooms?' When I didn't reply, he lifted his head and snuffed, for all the world like a wolf. 'Have you been working with baneleaf in here?' he asked suddenly. He came to stand before me. 'Fitz, you've not done anything stupid, have you?'
'Stupid? Me?' I choked on a laugh.
Chade stooped to peer into my face. 'Come up to my chamber,' he said, in an almost kindly voice. He took my arm and I went with him.
The cheery room, the crackling fire, the autumn fruit ripe in a bowl; all of it clashed so badly with what I felt that I wanted to smash things. Instead I asked Chade, 'Does anything feel worse than being angry with people you love?'
After a bit he spoke. 'Watching someone you love die. And being angry, but not knowing where to direct it. I think that's worse.'
I flung myself onto a side chair, kicked my feet out in front of me. 'Shrewd has taken up Regal's habits. Smoke. Mirthweed. El only knows what else in his wine. This morning, without his drugs, he began to shake, and then he drank them mixed with his wine, took a chestful of Smoke, and went to sleep in my face. After telling me, again, that I must court and marry Celerity, for my own good.' The words spilled from me. I had no doubt that Chade already knew of everything I told him.
I pinned Chade with my eyes. 'I love Molly,' I told him bluntly. 'I have told Shrewd that I love another. Yet he insists that I will be paired with Celerity. He asks how I cannot understand he means the best for me. How cannot he understand that I wish to wed whom I love?'
Chade looked considering. 'Have you discussed this with Verity?'
'What good would that do? He could not even save himself from being wed off to a woman he did not desire.' I felt disloyal to Kettricken as I said this. But I knew it was true.
'Would you care for wine?' Chade asked me mildly. 'It might calm you.'
'No.'
He raised his eyebrows at me.
'No. Thank you. After watching Shrewd `calm' himself with wine this morning…' I let my complaint trail away. 'Was that man never young?'
'Once, he was very young.' Chade permitted himself a small smile. 'Perhaps he remembers that Constance was a woman chosen for him by his parents. He did not court her willingly, nor wed her gladly. It took her death to make him know how deeply he had come to love her. Desire, on the other hand, he chose for himself, in a passion that fevered him.' He paused. 'I will not speak ill of the dead.'
'This is different,' I said.
'How?'
'I am not to be king. Who I wed affects no one but me.'
'Would it were that simple,' Chade said softly. 'Can you believe you can refuse Celerity's courtship without offending Brawndy? At a time when the Six Duchies need every bond of unity?'
'I am convinced I can make her decide she does not want me.'
'How? By being an oaf? And shaming Shrewd?'
I felt caged. I tried to think of solutions, but found only one answer in me. 'I will marry no one except Molly.' I felt better simply by saying it aloud. I met Chade's eyes.
He shook his head. 'Then you will marry no one,' he pointed out.
'Perhaps not,' I acceded. 'Perhaps we shall never be married in name. But we shall have a life together.'
'And little bastards of your own.'
I stood convulsively, my fists knotting of their own accord.
'Don't say that,' I warned Chade. I turned away from him to glare into his fire.
'I wouldn't. But everyone else will.' He sighed. 'Fitz, Fitz, Fitz.' He came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. Very, very gently, he said, 'It might be best to let her go.'
The touch and the gentleness had disarmed me of my anger. I lifted my hands to cover my face. 'I cannot,' I said through my fingers. 'I need her.'
'What does Molly need?'
A little chandlery with beehives in the backyard of it. Children. A legitimate husband. 'You are doing this for Shrewd. To make me do as he wishes,' I accused Chade.
He lifted his hands from my shoulders. I listened to him walk away, to wine being poured into a single cup.
