‘Look,’ I said, glancing towards Katerina for help, but finding none in her direction. That’s because she’d found the universal remote control, which apparently controlled not only the flat-panel TV above the fireplace, but the fireplace — the flames suddenly leaped and danced as she pushed buttons — the window panes (you could deepen the shade of the glass to purple opaque or brighten it to clear), the stereo and even the security camera in the elevator, and she was trying to enhance the mood by making the lighting softer. ‘I have a lot worse problems right now than dry skin, all right? In case you aren’t aware of it, someone is spying on us. Not just me, Lulu. You too. Your laptop was loaded with spyware. And I don’t want to alarm you, but I’m pretty sure it’s Stark Enterprises. I don’t have any proof of course… but who else would it be? It’s OK now, I fixed it. But you might want to get a new, non-Stark-brand laptop. I did. And as if that’s not bad enough, Gabriel Luna — remember, the guy with the scooter, who was at the Stark Megastore grand opening, where the, um, spirit transfer took place? Well, he’s written a song about me. And I don’t even like him. He thinks I have drug and alcohol issues. And the guy I do like —’ suddenly I was fighting back tears. Just like that – ‘wouldn’t even look at me today at school, OK? So it doesn’t matter if I have dry skin or moist skin or NO skin. I mean, I don’t even know what the point of all this is. What is the point of being beautiful when you can’t even get the guy you like to look at you?’
Lulu sucked in her breath. Then she looked at Katerina and said, ‘Better call for backup.’
Katerina nodded, laid down the remote and reached for her cellphone. Observing this, I grabbed the nearest pillow and smashed it over my face.
‘Oh no,’ I wailed. ‘No more makeovers. No, no, no, no!’ I smacked the pillow with each no… not something Dr Holcombe, I was sure, would recommend.
‘Relax,’ Lulu said. The next thing I knew, she was plucking the pillow off my face and sitting down beside me. ‘Katerina’s ordering banana splits from the deli down the street. That’s what I meant by backup. We always order banana splits from the deli when we have guy problems. Not good for your reflux, but you can take one of those pills of yours before you eat it. Now. What is this about Stark Enterprises, Gabriel Luna, and some guy not looking at you?’
Astonished that I wasn’t about to be given a head-to-toe exfoliation, I told Lulu first about her computer, then about Gabriel, and then about Christopher and the way he’d barely spoken to me in the computer lab. When I was done, she shrugged and said, ‘Well, first of all, I never use that computer. I just think it’s pretty. And Gabriel’s easy too. He’s in love with you.’
I nearly choked on some of my own spit.
‘Lulu! No… that’s—’
‘And it’s obvious what’s going on with that Christopher guy,’ she went on.
‘Really?’ Startled, I stared at her, wide-eyed. ‘What?’
‘He’s frightened of his passion for you. So he’s just had to shove it way, way down, so it won’t show.’
I blinked. ‘Lulu. He doesn’t even know Nikki Howard. How can he feel passion for her?’
Lulu put both her tiny bare feet up on the coffee table and rolled her head around on the back of the couch until she was staring at the ceiling. ‘Oh my God. I can’t believe I have to give you this speech again. It seems like I just gave you this speech last month. I did give you this speech last month. But now I have to give it to you again because of the spirit transfer. But here goes. OK, Nikki. Pay attention this time, will you? Straight guys only feel three ways about girls.’ She held up three fingers, and put one finger down each time she ticked off a point.
‘First, they love you, and they show it either by writing a song about you, like Gabriel, or asking you out, and everything is nice and fun like it should be. Second, they love you, but they’re scared of their passion for you because it’s so strong, like your boy Christopher, so they stuff it way, way down and ignore you, or do stupid things like make fun of you because they don’t know how to express it any other way, because they’re immature little babies and are too shy to, say, write a song about you. Or third, there’s something wrong with them, and they start out nice and loving, and then turn around and do stupid things like sleep with other girls behind your back, like Justin Bay did. But we’ll never figure out what went wrong with them and neither will they, so it’s not worth thinking about. OK? That’s it. The end.’
She put down her hand. ‘Any questions?’
I stared at her. She looked serious. But it was kind of hard to tell, considering it was Lulu. So I figured I’d ask to make sure. ‘Um… yeah, I have a question. Are you serious?’
Lulu sighed. ‘OK, I can see I didn’t quite get through to you. Nikki, please don’t tell me your mother never told you this.’
I shook my head. ‘Um… no. I can’t say she ever—’
‘God!’ Lulu rolled her eyes some more. ‘That makes me so mad! How could she not have said anything? That is so irresponsible! I mean, how can mothers send their daughters out into the world to just walk around, making boys fall in love with them all day, without the slightest idea of what they’re doing? Didn’t you see Spider- Man? With great power comes great responsibility! We women can’t just go walking around being so awesome and not have to be careful not to make guys fall in love with us all over the place. Right, Katerina?’
‘Yah,’ Katerina said, nodding fiercely as she bundled up Lulu’s sheets for the laundry.
‘My mother — much like Katerina’s mother, I wouldn’t doubt —’ Lulu went on, ‘sat me down when I was eleven and said, “Lulu, the truth of the matter is, every heterosexual boy — and probably some gay ones too, so look out, because that’s just going to end in disaster — you ever meet is going to fall madly in love with you. He may not admit it, but it’s true. So you have to take responsibility for that, and not do things to encourage him — unless of course you want him to fall in love with you. Because it’s cruel to play with boys’ emotions in that way, because no matter what anyone else says, men are the weaker sex.” Didn’t your mother tell you that?’
Completely stunned by this bit of motherly advice — my mom’s own advice had always been more along the lines of, Never go anywhere without enough money for a cab home, and Don’t have sex, but if you do, always use a condom — I shook my head.
‘Well,’ Lulu went on, ‘it turns out, even though my mom was wrong about a lot of things — like giving me snowboarding lessons for Christmas when I turned twelve, only to go and run off with my instructor — she wasn’t wrong about that. Every heterosexual guy I’ve ever met — and a few gay ones — has fallen in love with me. At least a little bit. Oh, not like they all want to marry me or anything… sometimes, like in the case of my snowboard instructor, it turns out they’ve wanted to marry her. But they’ve all thought about it. And it’s true they don’t always stay in love with me, the way they ought to — but that’s usually because the love they feel for me frightens them so much, because I’m just so incredible, they feel inadequate and end up running away… like Justin.’
I just stared at her. Seeing this, Lulu said, ‘I’m serious. Wait and see. When the delivery guy comes with the banana splits? Just watch when I go to pay him. He’ll probably ask me out.’
Not sure how else to respond, I said carefully, not wanting to hurt her feelings, ‘Well, Lulu… thanks. I mean, for the warning? But, while I’m certain it’s true that every straight guy you meet falls in love with you, with me that’s not really been the case. At least, in my past life. The thing is, in the real world, most girls don’t have to go around worrying about every guy they meet feeling in love with them. I could see how now that I’m Nikki, I’ll have to worry, but—’
Lulu sucked in her breath, looking outraged.
‘Oh yes they do!’ she cried. ‘If girls aren’t worried about this, they’re just kidding themselves! And playing with fire. This is true of all girls. Right, Katerina?’
Katerina nodded as she was folding up her massage table. ‘Oh, yah,’ she said, sounding tired. ‘You should meet some of my ex-husbands.’
‘See?’ Lulu said fiercely. ‘It doesn’t matter how old you are or how you look — no offence, Katerina. Whether you’re pretty or plain, or skinny or round. Guys can’t help it. If you’re a girl, it’s just the way it is. Guys may not want to admit that they like you. They may act like total butt-holes instead of admitting it —’ this made me think, inexplicably, of Jason Klein — ‘but everything my mother said is totally true and applies to all girls. And it’s a lot of responsibility for us. I mean, we have to be so, so careful all the time not to break men’s hearts. Men’s hearts are very fragile. Our hearts aren’t nearly as delicate. Are they, Katerina?’
‘Nein,’ Katerina said, banging the massage table closed. Hard.
‘Now, I don’t know what’s going on with your little Christopher friend,’ Lulu said. ‘But I’m guessing maybe he’s just pushed his love for you way, way down because he’s so frightened of it… that happens a lot. Can you think of a reason why he might have done that?’
I looked at Cosabella, who’d curled up in my lap and was contentedly sleeping. I really had no idea how I’d even ended up taking part in this lunatic conversation.
