‘You have the power,’ Wendah reminded him. ‘Use it to help us.’
He was going to deny it, but heard himself say, ‘I don’t know how.’
32
It had been profound, frightening and awe-inspiring, and it wasn’t over yet.
The ramp was slow leaving Serrah’s system, and it was beginning to outstay its welcome. She certainly could have done without it while trying to assist a birth.
But now Tanalvah’s baby was born. It was a boy, and apparently healthy.
The same couldn’t be said for his mother.
The birth had been long and difficult, with Tanalvah lacking stamina, and seemingly the will to get through it. Only when they reminded her that the child’s well-being was at stake did things improve. But birthing took a terrible toll on her. She endured great discomfort, with no painkiller except a few sips of brandy, and there had been copious blood loss. Serrah and Kinsel did their best without the help of a midwife or healer, and finally they got her settled down, but Tanalvah was far from well.
Fortunately, Teg and Lirrin didn’t have to witness her ordeal. Kinsel had managed to persuade one of the older women to look after them in her quarters nearby.
The whole experience had been made even more fraught by the realisation that the invaders could break through at any time. Sounds of fighting and destruction had been a constant backdrop to Tan’s labour. But now, thank goodness, things had quietened considerably, though everyone knew it was just the calm before the storm.
As soon as the baby was born, Serrah had taken him into a little washroom that comprised part of their quarters, to check that he was hale. She didn’t want any unpleasantness in front of Tanalvah, who was distressed enough. Now she was gently bathing the newborn. It brought back sweet memories of Eithne as a baby, and other recollections, less happy.
Kinsel came through from the room where Tanalvah had given birth. His face showed a mixture of emotions, but the moment he saw the child he was nothing but misty-eyed. ‘Is he well?’
‘He seems to be fine.’
‘I don’t know how we can ever thank you, Serrah. If it hadn’t been for you-’
‘Forget it.’ She nodded at the bundle she cradled. ‘It was worth it.’
‘She wants to see him.’
‘Good. I’d be worried if she didn’t. We’re just about done here. Aren’t we, darling?’ she cooed at the babe. ‘Here, go to daddy.’
‘Oh.’ Kinsel accepted the child gingerly, then beamed at it.
‘Typical man. Don’t worry, it won’t break.’
His smile faded. ‘I’m not sure we can say the same about Tan.’
‘No improvement?’
‘I think she’s a little worse. As far as her state of mind’s concerned, that is.’
‘She’s still in pretty bad physical shape, too. Once I got a proper look at her I was shocked at how much she’s been neglecting herself. But I’m hoping we’ll be able to find a healer this morning and-’
‘No. I mean yes, her physical state worries me, of course it does. But right now I’m more concerned about some of the things she’s been saying.’ He was clearly very troubled.
‘She has been coming out with some nonsensical stuff lately, it’s true. But it’s likely she’s feverish after what she’s been through.’
‘I don’t think it’s just that. This is more specific.’
‘You mean this fixation she has about confessing?’
‘Yes. I’m starting to think she might really have something she needs to get off her chest.’
‘We know that Tan killed a violent client over in Rintarah. But she has no reason to feel guilty about that. It was self-defence.’
‘It’s not that she’s been referring to.’
‘What, then?’
The baby began to cry.
‘He’s got his dad’s lungs,’ Serrah said. ‘It’s all right, he just needs feeding. I’m not sure Tan’s up to it though. I’ve got some milk here. We can warm it for him.’
‘I’ll do that and bring it through.’
‘Sure?’
‘I’m a father now, I’ve got to learn these things. Here.’ He gave back the baby. ‘I think you’d better go in.’
In Serrah’s arms, the child calmed down almost immediately. She found Tanalvah looking as white as the fresh sheets Kinsel had put on her bed, but her bleak expression brightened when she saw the baby.
‘Here he is,’ Serrah announced cheerfully, trying to lift the tone.
‘Is he all right?’
‘He’s a fit, beautiful little boy, Tan. Can you manage?’ She gently lowered the baby into her arms.
Tanalvah gazed at her son with the adoration of a new mother, but there was an evident sadness in her expression, too. She kissed the child and whispered soft endearments.
Kinsel arrived with the milk. He’d poured it into a small pottery flask with a teat made from a twist of spongy wool.
‘Let’s see that,’ Serrah said. She shook a few drops of the milk onto the back of her hand. The improvised teat worked pretty well. ‘Fine, and it’s not too hot. I can see you’re going to be good at this.’
Giving them some privacy for their baby’s first feed, she went back to the washroom. Filling a bowl from a jug of tepid water, she washed her face. She was exhausted. A lack of sleep, taking narcotics, and a big expenditure of emotional energy really took it out of you, she had discovered. But she dared to hope that things might improve with Tanalvah now she had the baby to hold.
Serrah was towelling herself dry when Kinsel came back in.
‘Can you come, please? I need you.’ His tone and looks invited no argument. Serrah tossed the towel aside and followed him.
Tanalvah still had the baby, but she was trying to hold it away from herself. She appeared physically worse than she had ten minutes before.
‘What’s this?’ Serrah asked. ‘Are you tiring?’ It was an absurd question. Tanalvah was patently shattered. But it wasn’t that.
‘I don’t deserve him,’ she said. ‘I’m not worthy.’
‘You what?’
‘You’ll think so too, when you know.’
Serrah could see that Tan’s arms must be aching from the effort of pushing away her son, not to mention the stress she was subjecting herself to. So she took the child and handed him to Kinsel, who tiptoed to the other side of the room and laid him in a cot someone had found for them.
Meanwhile, Serrah perched on the side of the bed. ‘Now what’s this nonsense about you not being worthy of your son, for the gods’ sake?’
‘It’s the way it is, Serrah. He’d be tainted by me.’
‘Look, Tan, I know some mothers feel down in the dumps after they give birth, but it passes. There’s no way your boy’s going to be tainted by you or anything else except loved.’
Tanalvah laughed. There was absolutely nothing joyful or amused about it. It was weak and cynical and despairing. ‘You wouldn’t make excuses if you knew what I-’
‘And what is it we should know?’ Serrah was fatigued enough to be feeling irritable, and starting to show it, despite her sympathy. ‘You keep hinting, Tan, but you’re not telling us. What is it that’s so terrible? Please, tell us, and let us be the judge of how awful you think you are.’
‘It’s about the great betrayal.’ She spoke low, almost in a whisper.
‘Did something happen to you at that time, darling?’ Kinsel asked kindly. ‘Something bad?’
