flat by the Droods. I've always had bad luck with timing. And I really couldn't believe it when I heard the family was now being run by London Eddie; I mean, who would have thought it? But it did mean… that I needed a new ally. I looked around, put out some feelers… and imagine my surprise when I discovered you'd just moved into a new secret base, practically on my doorstep?
'I decided this was a sign. So I killed all that was left of the tribe, to cover my tracks, ate the best bits of them, and walked through the jungle to join you here. That we might… discuss matters of mutual interest.'
'Hold it,' said Doctor Delirium, sitting abruptly upright in his chair. 'You expect me to believe that you walked all the way here, one man on his own, through this godforsaken jungle? Packed full of large carnivorous creatures, and any number of poisonous snakes and insects? I lose at least one man every time I send a patrol out!'
'Ah,' said Tiger Tim. 'But they're not me. I told you, I'm prepared for absolutely everything. When I walk through the jungle,
I'm the most dangerous thing in it. I can kill with a look, or blow things up with a Word. And I do! Often just for the fun of it. And now, here I am. Ready to make you an offer you really can't afford to refuse… I hold the secret of the Acceleration Drug, that can turn any soldier into a superhuman killing machine. Think of it, my dear Doctor Delirium; an army of your very own superhumans, to fight your corner for you and enforce your will on the world. Mercenaries are all very well and good, but they're very limited, and they die so easily. Truman used his Accelerated Men against my family, and proved they were a match even for Droods in their armour. Wouldn't you just love to be able to tell the Droods to shove it, after all they've done to you?'
'You're right,' said Doctor Delirium, after a moment. 'Your offer is very tempting. But your reputation precedes you, Tiger Tim. I'll need a lot of persuading before I will accept you as a partner in crime.'
'Indeed,' said Tiger Tim. 'Tell me, my dear Doctor Delirium; have you ever heard of something called the Apocalypse Door?'
The recording stopped abruptly. I looked for more files, but if there were any, the Doctor had wiped them all.
I searched on through his files, letting the armour do most of the hard work, and discovered, very much to my surprise, that Doctor Delirium really was a scientific genius. The work he'd done in his various labs was nothing short of astonishing. He'd taken entirely minor illnesses, and genetically re-created them as killer plagues that would have ravaged the world, if my family hadn't stopped him, every time. He'd taken inconveniences, and turned them into monsters. If only the Doctor had been as interested in producing cures, he could have been the Great Man of Science he'd always wanted to be.
I always said we underestimated the man.
I was struggling to open a really stubborn file marked Existential Technology, when the file disappeared suddenly from the monitor screen, replaced by a face I? knew very well. Tiger Tim looked out at me with much amusement.
'Well now. What on earth is a Drood field agent doing in Doctor Delirium's private office?'
I studied him from behind my anonymous golden mask. 'Timothy Drood, rogue and scumbag. How did you know I was here?'
'Call me Tiger Tim. That computer you're using was programmed to sound the alert at my end, if anyone tried to access that particular file. Can't have just anyone learning the true nature and function of the Apocalypse Door, can we?'
'We already know what it is,' I said.
'Of course you do. You're a Drood. You know everything. I do like what you've done with the armour… very stylish modifications. Medieval, with a definite knightly touch. Things have clearly progressed since I was one of the favoured few.'
I was a little surprised, but didn't say anything. I hadn't realised my armour was automatically adapting my favourite modifications, without my having to even think about it anymore. As though the armour was learning… Something else to think about, when I had the time.
'Of course,' said Tiger Tim, 'you took my armour away from me. Quite a shock, at the time. I didn't know the family could do that.'
Which meant he hadn't heard about the treachery of the Heart, and its downfall. And how different the new armour was. At least the family was still keeping the details of its disgrace and rebirth secret from the world at large.
'All the field agents who suddenly lost their torcs got them back,' said Tiger Tim. 'Why didn't I?'
'Because you're not worthy,' I said. 'Because you're not a part of the family anymore. You'll never wear a torc again. Not after all the things you've done.'
'Typical Drood. Always so judgemental. Have I really killed so many more than any Drood field agent? My crimes are really quite small, compared to the family's… At least I don't meddle with the world. I just want to play with it.'
'I walked through a town full of dead people to get here,' I said. 'The Acceleration Drug drove them into a killing madness. What the hell did you think you were doing?'
'Well, it wasn't liked we needed them anymore, the good Doctor and I. And I never leave anyone behind to speak ill of me. Two men can keep a secret, if a whole bunch of people are dead. Besides, it was such fun to watch. From a safe distance. Aren't surveillance cameras wonderful?'
'Did Doctor Delirium know you were going to do that, to his people?' I said.
Tiger Tim grinned widely. 'The good Doctor has been very… distracted, since I introduced him to the Apocalypse Door. He doesn't care about anything else, anymore. He talks to it, and it answers him. Or so he says. I've always been very careful to maintain a safe distance. I could have set his whole base on fire and toasted marshmallows on the burning bodies, and he wouldn't have cared. Not to worry, though; I'm here to keep an eye on him.'
'We'll find you,' I said. 'The whole family will be at your back and at your throat until the day you die. What happened to you, Timothy? You might have been a rogue before, but you never used to be an abomination.'
'Lot you know,' Tiger Tim said easily. 'I like to think of this as the real me finally surfacing, after years of repression. I'm not bad; I just want to have fun. Might I inquire which Drood I have the honour of addressing? You all look the same to me. And after all, the game is only fun if you're playing against a worthy opponent.'
'I'm Edwin Drood.'
'London Eddie! My God… You have come a long way, haven't you, from junior field agent chasing second-class scum around the back streets of unfashionable London? Of course, you only got that cushy posting, and your vaunted freedom from the family, because you had your grandmother's support. I never had anyone's support. I never had anyone in my corner, my whole life. Always telling me what to do, what to think… They were always afraid of me. Of my potential. And quite rightly. I couldn't wait to find a way out of the Hall, throw off their damned brainwashing and get on with my life, far away from all the suffocating restrictions… What's the point of being more than human, if you're still going to allow yourself to be bound by human limitations? Humanity is a trap, from which it is our duty to escape.
'So, I came up with my own ideas. You see, it isn't just the armour that makes us so much better than everyone else. Though it does help. Droods have accomplished more in world history than all governments put together. Because we're focused, smarter, more capable of taking the long view. Doing what needs to be done, and to hell whether it's popular or politically expedient. The armour has evolved us, as people, as a family, far above the common herd. We shouldn't be hiding in the shadows, we should stride out into the open and operate as the world leaders we really are. We are a natural aristocracy, superior in mind and body and will, and we should be lords and masters of all we survey. With everyone else in their proper place as servants, peasants, slaves. Their only real purpose in life is to serve their betters and worship their masters.
'We could put the world in order. No more wars, because everyone would do what they were told. No more want or hunger, because everyone would be equal, under Drood. Of course, we'd have to cut the numbers back, to a more manageable level. I spent ages putting all this together, but when I finally gathered up my materials and presented my Noble Experiment to the Matriarch… She said I was mad. I tried to explain, but she wouldn't even look at the materials! She refused to listen to me! No one would listen!'
'Really,' I said. 'I wonder why. You do like to talk, don't you?'
'Yes, well, I have been positively starved of good conversation, just recently. Anyway, when it became? clear that the family was not going to be rational on this matter, I decided I'd have to start the ball rolling myself. A trial
