'Doors and windows,' he said. 'All secure.'
We said exactly the same goddamned thing every goddamned night.
What I had done was put on that black see-through lace teddy I had bought from Laura at Hashbeam's Bo- teek. I wasn't going to sleep in it, of course, but I thought it might tickle Greg's fancy, if you know what I mean.
I waited for him to notice, but he didn't even glance at me.
He went into the bedroom for his shower, and when he came out, he was wearing his pajamas. I don't know why but when my husband wears pajama jacket and pants, it looks like a business suit.
I stood up and posed like a model. 'How do you like it?' I asked him.
He looked at the lace teddy. 'Very nice,' he said, and went to the bed to turn down the covers.
'It's supposed to be sexy,' I reminded him. , He looked again. 'Very attractive,' he said, which was an improvement-but not much. He got into bed and pulled the top sheet up to his chin.
I went over and sat on the edge of the bed at his side. 'I feel horny,'
I told him. 'Please don't tell me you've got a headache.'
That made him smile. I turned off the lights, took off my teddy, and slipped into bed next to him, naked as a skinned rabbit. I took his hand and cupped it around one of my lungs.
'Look how big I'm getting,' I said.
'I've noticed,' he said.
'That's okay with you, isn't it? ' I said. 'I mean you don't have any objections, do you?'
It was the first I had heard him laugh in a long time. It wasn't much of a laugh, just a little chuckle, but it was something.
'You're very hot,' he said in a low voice.
'Hotter than you think,' I said. 'Do you remember what to do next?'
He laughed again, a little louder this time. 'It's like riding a bike,' he said. 'You never forget how.'
'Why don't you take off your suit,' I suggested. 'And start pedaling.'
He got out of bed to do it, stumbling around in the darkness.
Then he got back into bed. Greg is nicely put together.
I ran my hands over his body. 'Hey,' I said, 'what have we here?
Hello, there! Long time no see.'
He kissed me a few times. Adequate, but nothing to write home about.
I pulled the sheet off us and kicked it aside. I inched up in bed and moved his head down to my bosom, wanting him to do a Herman.
'Try it,' I said. 'It's better than spaghetti and meatballs.'
Then I stopped coaching him. He did what men are supposed to do. I mean he knew all the moves, even though he was never going to be a mad, impetuous lover. He was so methodical, like he was working his way through a sex manual. Something published around 1810.
Sure I got aroused, I'm not wood, you know, and right then it was thank God for little favors, though I wished he wasn't so polite.
'Am I too heavy on you?' he inquired.
You know, I really felt sorry for him. I mean he was trying.
But when it came to making a woman happy, he had the words but he just didn't have the music.
I wasn't going to take my problem to my brother, Chas has his own troubles. And if I told him Marleen was talking divorce, he wouldn't say, 'I told you so,' but he'd give me a look that would mean the same thing.
It was a funny feeling, not funny ha-ha but funny strange.
I mean I was a sociable guy, 'Herm' to half the population, always ready for party time. But now, with my life falling apart, I couldn't think of a shoulder I could cry on.
I should tell you that I hate solitude. If I had to live like Chas, I'd go nuts. I like to be part of a crowd, everyone knocking back the drinks and laughing up a storm. Suddenly I felt alone, deserted, with no one but myself to talk to. I couldn't handle it, I admit it, and I was afraid of just giving up and crawling into a bottle of Absolut to end my days.
I was really down, dragging ass, when I got this great brainstorm.
There was someone I could talk to, a professional who would listen to my tale of woe and maybe tell me how to get out of the mess I was in.
I phoned Dr. Cherry Noble.
'Is this about Chas?' she asked me.
'No,' I told her, 'it's about me. I need help.'
'That's a good start,' she said.
So we set up an appointment. I didn't even ask her what it was going to cost. At that point in time her fee was the least of my worries.
I was afraid she might want me to lie on a couch, which would have been ridiculous, but she didn't even have one in her office.
She sat behind a desk for which I was thankful because I think I told you she's got the greatest legs in the world, and if she sat where I could see them, I'd probably end up making a pass and that would queer the whole deal. I sat in an uncomfortable armchair facing her across the desk.
I told her I was in deep shit with Marleen, that she had said she wanted a divorce and sounded serious about it. I also told her about the anniversary dinner I had missed.
'Surely she doesn't want a divorce because you forgot an anniversary,'
Dr. Noble said.
'Nah,' I said. 'That was just the final straw. I admit I've been a bad boy. Too much drinking. Too much partying. Too many beds, if you know what I mean.'
'You were aware your behavior offended her?'
'I guess I knew it,' I admitted, 'but either I didn't care or I didn't think it would rile her all that much.'
'And what is it you want from me, Herman-absolution? '
'Look, doc, the big problem is this, I can crawl on my knees to my wife, swear I'm going to straighten, up and fly right. And maybe she'll give me another chance.
Maybe. But I know that I won't be able to do it for long.
Sooner or later I'll go back to my old ways because, let's face it, I enjoy living like that. So what I want from you is to be told why I act the way I do, why I'm hooked on drinking and whoring around.
Maybe if I can understand why I do it, I can figure out how to stop permanently.'
'Mmm,' she said. 'You don't want to lose Marleen?
'Hell, no!' I said. 'I love that woman, and my little girl, Tania. I guess I haven't proved it to them, but I do love them.
I'm a self-centered sonofabitch, I know that, but I don't seem capable of changing.'
'Do you honestly want to change?'
'Honestly I don't. I told you I like the way I've been living. But if changing is the only way I can hang onto Marleen and Tania, then I'll do it. What I want you to do is tell me how.'
'What you're asking is that I help you learn why you drink so much and why you're a womanizer?'
'That's about it, doc.'
'Mmm. Have you told Marleen that you were going to consult me?'
No.
'If I take you on, do you intend to tell her?'
I thought about that for a moment. 'Probably,' I said finally. 'It may be the only way to keep her from going ahead with a divorce. If she hears I'm getting help, maybe she'll be patient until she sees if I'm really serious about mending my ways.'
'And are you serious?'
'Would I be here if I wasn't?'
She was silent awhile, and I stared at her. She was handsome woman.
Great cheekbones. if a woman has high cheekbones and long legs, she's got it allright? Marleen had high cheekbones and long legs.
