'I thought we could do that together.' He smiled directly at her. 'But I shall get up late; and eat three small meals a day, always at the same times; and watch television; and see whether I can remember how to paint.'
She nodded. She felt awkward; they both did. Suddenly there was a new relationship between them, and they were feeling their way, unsure what to say or how to behave. For him, the situation was simple: he had made the sacrifice she asked, given her his soul; and now he wanted her to acknowledge it, to accept the gift with some gesture. But for her, that gesture would mean letting Felix go out of her life. I can't do it, she thought; and the words rang in her head like the echoing syllables of a curse.
He said: 'What would you like us to do?'
It was as if he knew of her dilemma, and wanted to force her hand, to make her talk about the two of them as a unit. 'I would like us to take a long time deciding,' she said.
'Good idea.' He got to his feet. 'I'm going to change my clothes.'
'I'll come up with you.' She picked up her drink and followed him. He looked surprised, and in truth she too was a little shocked: it was thirty years since they had been in the habit of watching one another undress.
They went through the hall and climbed the main staircase together. He panted with the effort, and said: 'In six months' time I shall be running up here.' He was looking to the future with so much pleasure, she with so much dread. For him, life was beginning again. If only he had done this before she met Felix!
He held the bedroom door open for her, and her heart missed a beat. This had once been a ritual: a sign between them, a lovers' code. It had started when they were young. She had noticed that he became almost embarrassingly courteous to her when he felt lustful, and she said as a joke: 'You only open doors for me when you want to make love.' Then, of course, they thought of sex every time he opened a door for her, and it became his way of letting her know he wanted it. One felt the need of such signals in those days: nowadays she felt quite happy about saying to Felix: 'Let's do it on the floor.'
Did Derek remember? Was he now telling her that this was the acknowledgment he wanted? It had been years; and he was so gross. Was it possible?
He went into the bathroom and turned on the taps. She sat at her dressing table and brushed her hair. In the mirror she watched him come out of the bathroom and begin to take off his clothes. He still did it the same way: first shoes, then trousers, then jacket. He had told her, once, that this was the way it had to be; for the trousers went on the hanger before the jacket, and the shoes had to come off before the trousers would. She had told him how peculiar a man looked in his shirt, tie, and socks. They had both laughed.
He removed his tie and unbuttoned his shirt collar with a sigh of relief. Collars always bothered him. Perhaps he need not wear them buttoned anymore.
He took off his shirt, then his socks, then his vest, and finally his underwear shorts. Then he caught her eye in the mirror. There was something close to defiance in his gaze, as if he were saying: 'This is what an old man looks like, so you'd better get used to it.' She met his eyes for a moment, then looked away. He went into the bathroom, and she heard the surge of the water as he climbed into the bath.
Now that he was out of sight she felt freer to think, as if before he might have overheard her thoughts. Her dilemma had been posed in the most brutal way: could she, or could she not, face the thought of sex with Derek? A few months ago she might have-no, not 'might,' but 'would,' and eagerly-but since then she had touched the firm, muscular body of Felix, and rediscovered her own body in the sheer physicality of their relationship.
She forced herself to visualize Derek's naked body: the thick neck, the fatty breasts with tufts of gray-white hair at the nipples, the huge belly with its arrow of hair widening to the groin, and there-well, at least he and Felix were much the same there.
She imagined herself in bed with Derek, and thought of how he would touch her, and kiss her, and what she would do to him-and suddenly she realized she could do it, and take pleasure in it, because of what it meant: Felix's fingers might be skillful and knowing, but Derek's were the hands she had held for years; she might scratch Felix's shoulders in passion, but she knew she could lean on Derek's; Felix had dashing good looks, but in Derek's face there were years of kindness and comfort, of compassion and understanding.
Perhaps she loved Derek. And perhaps she was just too old to change.
She heard him stand up in the bath, and she panicked. She had not had enough time; she was not yet ready to make an irrevocable decision. She could not, right here and now, accept the thought of never having Felix inside her again. It was too soon.
She must talk to Derek. She must change the subject, break his mood and hers. What could she say? He stepped out of the bath: now he would be toweling himself, and in a moment he would be here.
She called out: 'Who bought the company?'
His reply was inaudible; and at that moment, the phone rang.
As she crossed the room to pick it up, she repeated: 'Who bought the company?' She lifted the receiver.
Derek shouted: 'A man called Felix Laski. You've met him. Remember?'
She stood frozen, with the phone to her ear, not speaking. It was too much to take in: the implications, the irony, the treachery.
The voice from the telephone said in her ear: 'Hello, hello?'
It was Felix.
She whispered: 'Oh, God, no.'
'Ellen?' he said. 'Is that you?'
'Yes.'
'I've a lot I want to talk to you about. Can we meet?'
She stammered: 'I-I don't think so.'
'Don't be like that.' His deep Shakespearean voice was like the music from a cello. 'I want you to marry me.'
'Oh, God!'
'Ellen, speak to me. Will you marry me?'
Suddenly she knew what she wanted, and with the realization came the beginning of calm. She took a deep breath. 'No, I most certainly will not,' she said.
She hung up the phone, and stood staring at it for several moments.
Slowly and deliberately, she took off all her clothes and placed them in a neat pile on a chair.
Then she got into bed and lay waiting for her husband.
33
Tony Cox was a happy man. He played the radio as he drove slowly home through the streets of East London in the Rolls. He was thinking how well everything had gone, and he was forgetting what had happened to Deaf Willie. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel in time to a pop song with a bouncy beat. It was cooler now. The sun was low, and there were streamers of high white cloud in the blue sky. The traffic was getting heavier as the rush hour approached, but Tony had all the patience in the world this evening.
It had gone well, in the end. The boys had had their shares, and Tony had explained how the rest of the money had been hidden in a bank, and why. He had promised them another payout in a couple of months' time, and they had been happy.
Laski had accepted the stolen money more readily than Tony expected. Maybe the crafty sod thought he could embezzle some of it: just let him try. The two of them would have to cook up some scheme for concealing the true nature of any withdrawals Tony made from the funds. That couldn't be difficult.
Tonight, nothing could be difficult. He wondered what to do with the evening. Perhaps he would go to a gay bar and pick up a friend for the night. He would dress up, put on some fancy jewelry, and stuff a roll of tenners into his pocket. He would find a boy a couple of years younger than himself, and shower him with kindness: a wonderful meal, a show, champagne-then back to the Barbican flat. He would knock the boy about a bit, just to soften him up, and then…
It would be a good night. In the morning the boy would go away with his pockets full of money, bruised but happy. Tony enjoyed making people happy.
