Everyone views us as patients.»
It’s not a problem for me. I can move into our family compartment, but Johanna’s never been assigned one. When she tries to get discharged from the hospital, they won’t agree to let her live alone, even if she comes in for daily talks with the head doctor. I think they may have put two and two together about the morphling and this only adds to their view that she’s unstable. «She won’t be alone. I’m going to room with her,» I announce. There’s some dissent, but Haymitch takes our part, and by bedtime, we have a compartment across from Prim and my mother, who agrees to keep an eye on us.
After I take a shower, and Johanna sort of wipes herself down with a damp cloth, she makes a cursory inspection of the place. When she opens the drawer that holds my few possessions, she shuts it quickly. «Sorry.»
I think how there’s nothing in Johanna’s drawer but her government-issued clothes. That she doesn’t have one thing in the world to call her own. «It’s okay. You can look at my stuff if you want.»
Johanna unlatches my locket, studying the pictures of Gale, Prim, and my mother. She opens the silver parachute and pulls out the spile and slips it onto her pinkie. «Makes me thirsty just looking at it.» Then she finds the pearl Peeta gave me. «Is this—?»
«Yeah,» I say. «Made it through somehow.» I don’t want to talk about Peeta. One of the best things about training is, it keeps me from thinking of him.
«Haymitch says he’s getting better,» she says.
«Maybe. But he’s changed,» I say.
«So have you. So have I. And Finnick and Haymitch and Beetee. Don’t get me started on Annie Cresta. The arena messed us all up pretty good, don’t you think? Or do you still feel like the girl who volunteered for your sister?» she asks me.
«No,» I answer.
«That’s the one thing I think my head doctor might be right about. There’s no going back. So we might as well get on with things.» She neatly returns my keepsakes to the drawer and climbs into the bed across from me just as the lights go out. «You’re not afraid I’ll kill you tonight?»
«Like I couldn’t take you,» I answer. Then we laugh, since both our bodies are so wrecked, it will be a miracle if we can get up the next day. But we do. Each morning, we do. And by the end of the week, my ribs feel almost like new, and Johanna can assemble her rifle without help.
Soldier York gives the pair of us an approving nod as we knock off for the day. «Fine job, Soldiers.»
When we move out of hearing, Johanna mutters, «I think winning the Games was easier.» But the look on her face says she’s pleased.
In fact, we’re almost in good spirits when we go to the dining hall, where Gale’s waiting to eat with me. Receiving a giant serving of beef stew doesn’t hurt my mood either. «First shipments of food arrived this morning,» Greasy Sae tells me. «That’s real beef, from District Ten. Not any of your wild dog.»
«Don’t remember you turning it down,» Gale tosses back.
We join a group that includes Delly, Annie, and Finnick. It’s something to see Finnick’s transformation since his marriage. His earlier incarnations—the decadent Capitol heartthrob I met before the Quell, the enigmatic ally in the arena, the broken young man who tried to help me hold it together—these have been replaced by someone who radiates life. Finnick’s real charms of self-effacing humor and an easygoing nature are on display for the first time. He never lets go of Annie’s hand. Not when they walk, not when they eat. I doubt he ever plans to. She’s lost in some daze of happiness. There are still moments when you can tell something slips in her brain and another world blinds her to us. But a few words from Finnick call her back.
Delly, who I’ve known since I was little but never gave much thought to, has grown in my estimation. She was told what Peeta said to me that night after the wedding, but she’s not a gossip. Haymitch says she’s the best defender I have when Peeta goes off on some kind of tear about me. Always taking my side, blaming his negative perceptions on the Capitol’s torture. She has more influence on him than any of the others do, because he really does know her. Anyway, even if she’s sugarcoating my good points, I appreciate it. Frankly, I could use a little sugarcoating.
I’m starving and the stew is so delicious—beef, potatoes, turnips, and onions in a thick gravy—that I have to force myself to slow down. All around the dining hall, you can feel the rejuvenating effect that a good meal can bring on. The way it can make people kinder, funnier, more optimistic, and remind them it’s not a mistake to go on living. It’s better than any medicine. So I try to make it last and join in the conversation. Sop up the gravy on my bread and nibble on it as I listen to Finnick telling some ridiculous story about a sea turtle swimming off with his hat. Laugh before I realize he’s standing there. Directly across the table, behind the empty seat next to Johanna. Watching me. I choke momentarily as the gravy bread sticks in my throat.
«Peeta!» says Delly. «It’s so nice to see you out…and about.»
Two large guards stand behind him. He holds his tray awkwardly, balanced on his fingertips since his wrists are shackled with a short chain between them.
«What’s with the fancy bracelets?» asks Johanna.
«I’m not quite trustworthy yet,» says Peeta. «I can’t even sit here without your permission.» He indicates the guards with his head.
«Sure he can sit here. We’re old friends,» says Johanna, patting the space beside her. The guards nod and Peeta takes a seat. «Peeta and I had adjoining cells in the Capitol. We’re very familiar with each other’s screams.»
Annie, who’s on Johanna’s other side, does that thing where she covers her ears and exits reality. Finnick shoots Johanna an angry look as his arm encircles Annie.
«What? My head doctor says I’m not supposed to censor my thoughts. It’s part of my therapy,» replies Johanna.
The life has gone out of our little party. Finnick murmurs things to Annie until she slowly removes her hands. Then there’s a long silence while people pretend to eat.
«Annie,» says Delly brightly, «did you know it was Peeta who decorated your wedding cake? Back home, his family ran the bakery and he did all the icing.»
Annie cautiously looks across Johanna. «Thank you, Peeta. It was beautiful.»
«My pleasure, Annie,» says Peeta, and I hear that old note of gentleness in his voice that I thought was gone forever. Not that it’s directed at me. But still.
«If we’re going to fit in that walk, we better go,» Finnick tells her. He arranges both of their trays so he can carry them in one hand while holding tightly to her with the other. «Good seeing you, Peeta.»
«You be nice to her, Finnick. Or I might try and take her away from you.» It could be a joke, if the tone wasn’t so cold. Everything it conveys is wrong. The open distrust of Finnick, the implication that Peeta has his eye on Annie, that Annie could desert Finnick, that I do not even exist.
«Oh, Peeta,» says Finnick lightly. «Don’t make me sorry I restarted your heart.» He leads Annie away after giving me a concerned glance.
When they’re gone, Delly says in a reproachful voice, «He did save your life, Peeta. More than once.»
«For her.» He gives me a brief nod. «For the rebellion. Not for me. I don’t owe him anything.»
I shouldn’t rise to the bait, but I do. «Maybe not. But Mags is dead and you’re still here. That should count for something.»
«Yeah, a lot of things should count for something that don’t seem to, Katniss. I’ve got some memories I can’t make sense of, and I don’t think the Capitol touched them. A lot of nights on the train, for instance,» he says.
Again the implications. That more happened on the train than did. That what did happen—those nights I only kept my sanity because his arms were around me—no longer matters. Everything a lie, everything a way of misusing him.
Peeta makes a little gesture with his spoon, connecting Gale and me. «So, are you two officially a couple now, or are they still dragging out the star-crossed lover thing?»
«Still dragging,» says Johanna.
Spasms cause Peeta’s hands to tighten into fists, then splay out in a bizarre fashion. Is it all he can do to keep them from my neck? I can feel the tension in Gale’s muscles next to me, fear an altercation. But Gale simply says, «I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it myself.»
