she wanted to say something. But what could she say with me sitting right there? She felt blindsided. Confused. Lied to.
I know that’s how she felt because I felt the same way.
And I’ll never forget Ms. Antilly’s reaction. Two short, drawn-out words. “Or…not.”
I squeeze my eyes tight, trying hard to remember that day as clearly as possible.
Was it pain on Mr. Porter’s face? Or was it fear? He just stood there, staring at Hannah’s desk. Through her desk. And no one said a word, but we looked around. At each other.
Then he left. Mr. Porter walked out of class and didn’t come back for a week.
Why? Did he know? Did he know because of something he’d done?
And here, to the best of my memory, is what we said.
Me: I’m sorry, Ms. Antilly. I just didn’t think that’s why you called me in here.
Jessica: Me, neither. I wouldn’t have come. I mean, I’m sure Hillary and I have things in common, and I’m sure she’s a great person, but…
Me: It’s Hannah.
Jessica: I called you Hillary, didn’t I? Sorry.
Me: It’s okay. I just thought you should know my name if we’re going to be such fabulous friends.
And then the three of us laughed. Jessica and I had very similar laughs, which made us laugh even harder. Ms. Antilly’s laugh wasn’t quite as heartfelt…more of a nervous laugh…but still a laugh. She claimed to have never tried matching up friends before, and was doubtful she ever would again.
But guess what. After the meeting, Jessica and I did hang out.
Very sneaky, Ms. Antilly. Veeeeeery sneaky.
We left campus and, at first, the conversation felt awkward. But it was nice having someone to talk to other than my parents.
A city bus pulls up to the curb in front of me. Silver with blue stripes.
We walked past my turnoff, but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to stop our conversation, but I also didn’t want to invite her over because we really didn’t know each other yet. So we continued walking until we reached downtown. I found out later that she did the same thing, walked past the street where she lived in order to keep talking with me.
So where did we go? E-7 on your map. Monet’s Garden Cafe & Coffeehouse.
The bus door wheezes open.
Neither of us were coffee drinkers, but it seemed like a nice place to chat.
Through the foggy windows I see that almost all the seats are empty.
We both got hot chocolate. She ordered it thinking it would be funny. But me? I always order hot chocolate.
I’ve never ridden a city bus. Never had a reason to. But it’s getting darker and colder every minute.
It doesn’t cost anything to ride the bus at night, so I hop on. I move right by the driver without either of us saying a word to each other. She doesn’t even look at me.
I make my way down the center aisle, buttoning my jacket against the cold, giving each button more attention than required. Any excuse to avert my eyes from the other passengers. I know how I must look to them. Confused. Guilty. In the process of being crushed.
I choose a bench that, as long as no one else boards, is situated between three or four empty seats all around. The blue vinyl cushion is ripped down the middle, with the yellow stuffing inside about to burst out. I slide over to the window.
The glass is cold, but resting my head against it helps relax me.
I honestly don’t remember much of what we said that afternoon. Do you, Jessica? Because when I close my eyes, everything happens in a kind of montage. Laughing. Trying hard not to spill our drinks. Waving our hands while we talk.
I close my eyes. The glass cools one side of my overheated face. I don’t care where this bus is going. I’ll ride it for hours if I’m allowed to. I’ll just sit here and listen to the tapes. And maybe, without trying, I’ll fall asleep.
Then, at one point, you lean across the table. “I think that guy’s checking you out,” you whispered.
I knew exactly who you were talking about because I’d been watching him, as well. But he wasn’t checking me out.
“He’s checking you out,” I said.
In a contest of who’s-got-the-biggest-balls, all of you listening should know that Jessica wins.
“Excuse me,” she said to Alex, in case you haven’t figured out the name of the mystery man, “but which one of us are you checking out?”
And a few months later, after Hannah and Justin Foley break up, after the rumors begin, Alex writes a list. Who’s hot. Who’s not. But there, at Monet’s, no one knew where that meeting would lead.
I want to push Stop on the Walkman and rewind their whole conversation. To rewind into the past and warn them. Or prevent them from even meeting.
But I can’t. You can’t rewrite the past.
Alex blushed. I’m talking an all-the-blood-in-his-body-rushing-up-to-his-face kind of blushed. And when he opened his mouth to deny it, Jessica cut him off.
“Don’t lie. Which one of us were you checking out?”
Through the frosty glass, downtown’s streetlamps and neon lights slide by. Most of the shops are closed for the night. But the restaurants and bars remain open.
At that moment I would have paid dearly for Jessica’s friendship. She was the most outgoing, honest, tell-it- like-it-is girl I’d ever met.
Silently, I thanked Ms. Antilly for introducing us.
Alex stuttered and Jessica leaned over, letting her fingers fall gracefully onto his table.
“Look, we saw you watching us,” she said. “We’re both new to this town and we’d like to know who you were staring at. It’s important.”
Alex stammered. “I just…I heard…it’s just, I’m new here, too.”
I think Jessica and I both said something along the lines of, “Oh.” And then it was our turn to blush. Poor Alex just wanted to be a part of our conversation. So we let him. And I think we talked for at least another hour- probably more. Just three people, happy that the first day of school wouldn’t be spent wandering the halls alone. Or eating lunch alone. Getting lost alone.
Not that it matters, but where is this bus going? Does it leave our town for another one? Or does it loop endlessly through these streets?
Maybe I should’ve checked before getting on.
That afternoon at Monet’s was a relief for all three of us. How many nights had I fallen asleep terrified, thinking of that first day of school? Too many. And after Monet’s? None. Now, I was excited.
And just so you know, I never thought of Jessica or Alex as friends. Not even at the beginning when I would’ve loved two automatic friendships.
And I know they felt the same way, because we talked about it. We talked about our past friends and why those people had become our friends. We talked about what we were searching for in new friends at our new school.
But those first few weeks, until we each peeled away, Monet’s Garden was our safe haven. If one of us had a hard time fitting in or meeting people, we’d go to Monet’s. Back in the garden, at the far table to the right.
I’m not sure who started it, but whoever had the most exhausting day would lay a hand in the center of the table and say, “Olly-olly-oxen-free.” The other two would lay their hands on top and lean in. Then we’d listen, sipping drinks with our free hands. Jessica and I always drank hot chocolate. Over time, Alex made his way through the entire menu.
I’ve only been to Monet’s a few times, but I think it’s on the street the bus is going down now.
Yes, we were cheesy. And I’m sorry if this episode’s making you sick. If it helps, it’s almost too sweet for me. But Monet’s truly filled whatever void needed filling at the time. For all of us.
But don’t worry…it didn’t last.
