So, did your teachers dissect me properly? Were they right? Did you have any clue at all it was me?
Yes, some of you did. Ryan must have told someone-proud that his collection made it into the curriculum. But when people confronted me, I refused to confirm it or deny it. Which pissed some of them off.
Some even wrote parodies of my poem, reading them to me in the hopes of getting under my skin.
I saw that. I watched two girls in Mr. Porter’s class recite a version before the bell rang.
It was all so stupid and childish…and cruel.
They were relentless, bringing new poems every day for an entire week. Hannah did her best to ignore them, pretending to read while waiting for Mr. Porter to arrive. For the start of class to come to her rescue.
This doesn’t seem like a big deal, does it?
No, maybe not to you. But school hadn’t been a safe haven of mine for a long time. And after your photo escapades, Tyler, my home was no longer secure.
Now, suddenly, even my own thoughts were being offered up for ridicule.
Once, in Mr. Porter’s class, when those girls were teasing her, Hannah looked up. Her eyes caught mine for just a moment. A flash. But she knew I was watching her. And even though no one else saw it, I turned away.
She was on her own.
Very nice, Ryan. Thank you. You’re a true poet.
I pull the headphones out of my ears and hang them around my neck.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you,” the man says from across the counter, “but I’m not taking your money.” He blows into a straw and pinches both ends shut.
I shake my head and reach back for my wallet. “No, I’ll pay.”
He winds the straw tighter and tighter. “I’m serious. It was only a milkshake. And like I said, I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t know how I can help, but something’s clearly gone wrong in your life, so I want you to keep your money.” His eyes search mine, and I know he means it.
I don’t know what to say. Even if the words would come, my throat is so tight it won’t let them escape.
So I nod, grab my backpack, and change the tape as I head for the door.
CASSETTE 5: SIDE A
The glass door to Rosie’s closes behind me, and I hear three locks immediately slide into place.
So now where? Home? Back to Monet’s? Or maybe I’ll go to the library after all. I can sit outside on the concrete steps. Listen to the remainder of the tapes in the dark.
“Clay!”
It’s Tony’s voice.
Bright headlights flash three times. The driver’s-side window is down and Tony’s outstretched hand waves me over. I tug the zipper on my jacket up and walk over to his window. But I don’t lean in. I don’t feel like talking. Not now.
Tony and I have known each other for years, working on projects and joking around after class. And all that time, we’ve never had a deep conversation.
Now, I’m afraid, he wants to have one. He’s been sitting here this whole time. Just sitting in his car. Waiting. What else could be on his mind?
He won’t look at me. Instead, he reaches out to adjust the side mirror with his thumb. Then he closes his eyes and lets his head fall forward. “Get in, Clay.”
“Is everything all right?”
After a short pause, slowly, he nods.
I walk around the front of his car, open the passenger door, and sit, keeping one foot out on the blacktop. I place my backpack, with Hannah’s shoebox inside it, on my lap.
“Shut the door,” he says.
“Where are we going?”
“It’s okay, Clay. Just shut the door.” He winds the handle on his door and his window slides up. “It’s cold outside.” His gaze slips from the dashboard to the stereo to his steering wheel. But he won’t face me.
The moment I pull the door shut, like the trigger on a starting pistol, he begins.
“You’re the ninth person I’ve had to follow, Clay.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“The second set of tapes,” he says. “Hannah wasn’t bluffing. I’ve got them.”
“Oh, God.” I cover my face with both hands. Behind my eyebrow, the pounding is back again. With the base of my palm, I press on it. Hard.
“It’s okay,” he says.
I can’t look at him. What does he know? About me? What has he heard? “What’s okay?”
“What were you listening to in there?”
“What?”
“Which tape?”
I can try and deny it, pretend I have no clue what he’s talking about. Or I can get out of his car and leave. But either way, he knows.
“It’s okay, Clay. Honest. Which tape?”
With my eyes still shut, I press my knuckles against my forehead. “Ryan’s,” I say. “The poem.” Then I look at him.
He leans his head back, eyes closed.
“What?” I ask.
No answer.
“Why’d she give them to you?”
He touches the key-chain dangling in the ignition. “Can I drive while you listen to the next tape?”
“Tell me why she gave them to you.”
“I’ll tell you,” he says, “if you’ll just listen to the next tape right now.”
“Why?”
“Clay, I’m not joking. Listen to the tape.”
“Then answer my question.”
“Because it’s about you, Clay.” He lets go of his keys. “The next tape is about you.”
Nothing.
My heart doesn’t jump. My eyes don’t flinch. I don’t breathe.
And then.
I snap my arm back, my elbow into the seat. Then I smash it into the door and I want to pound my head sideways into the window. But I pound it back against the headrest instead.
Tony lays a hand on my shoulder. “Listen to it,” he says. “And don’t leave this car.”
He turns the ignition.
With tears falling, I roll my head to face him. But he’s staring straight ahead.
I open the door of the Walkman and pull out the tape. The fifth tape. A dark blue number nine in the corner. My tape. I am number nine.
I drop the tape back into the Walkman and, holding the player in both hands, close it like a book.
Tony puts the car in gear and drives through the empty parking lot, heading for the street.
Without looking, I run my thumb across the top of the Walkman, feeling for the button that brings me into the story.
