advice of my security-the gates of the Kremlin remained unlocked and open to all, and access to the church itself was completely at will to Muscovites of every rank and walk of life, who were allowed inside one hundred at a time. Most touching to me was that as they passed by so many, if not all, dropped coins into Sergei’s coffin, wanting that the whole of the Orthodox people pay for continued masses for this “True Believer.” So moved was I by this and countless other kindnesses that on the day of the funeral I ordered that Moscow’s poor receive, at the expense of my private purse, a free meal in memory of the newly departed.
To my horror, sad word had got round that the revolutionaries were intent on exterminating the entire Ruling House, so travel to Moscow was not simply deemed too risky for any member of the Imperial Family, it was forbidden by strict order of the Emperor himself. A gathering of royals, it was feared, might stir the revolutionaries to more violent action, or at the very least prompt more strikes in the factories and shops. Indeed, it was reported to me that it had been discovered that another of us, the Grand Duke Aleksei, was being hunted like a wolf. For this and other reasons it was deemed too dangerous for Their Majesties to leave Tsarskoye, and by official letter all Grand Dukes were even forbidden to attend requiem services at either the Kazanski or Isakovski Cathedral in Peterburg. This was all quite shocking and what a disgrace, and I knew how inconsolable were the two Empresses-both Alicky and Minnie-that they could not pay their last respects to the dead, and how particularly pained was my sister that I was alone, but it made no matter, not really. In the end, lovely Grand Duke Konstantin managed to get permission to come and, too, Pavel-the children’s father, who had been banished from the Empire but had received special permission to return to Russia and Moscow. From abroad also came my brother and sister and a small handful of others, so that in the end there was not a complete absence of relations at the funeral, and this was intense comfort. In any case, I had any number of things that needed my immediate attention, and though my ladies and my doctors predicted my collapse, I could not and would not and did not.
The day after the explosion, as I knelt in prayer before my Sergei’s coffin, I understood more profoundly than ever the differences between the faith of my birth, the Lutheran Church, and the faith to which I had converted, Russian Orthodoxy. Western faiths adhered strictly to a belief in purgatory, of course, whereas in my new land we turned away from such absolute condemnation. Instead, we believed that there was not a sin that could not be redeemed by complete spiritual cleansing and impulse. Simply, we Orthodox held firmly that in an attempt to get closer to God all souls passed from stage to stage, suffering agony for past sins, as we all awaited judgment. Where my Sergei’s soul now lay on that path to God and just how much he was suffering, I did not know, but I feared for his past sins, I feared that he had far to go. And for this I doubled my prayers for him, hoping that my earnest requests to the Lord would pull Sergei further along, moving him a touch closer unto the feet of God.
And then as I knelt there, a remarkable thing came to my attention: I heard a voice, quite mystical but entirely clear in both voice and intent. As if my dearest were whispering intimately into my ear, I was told that I must not concern myself with earthly justice, specifically that I was to think of Kalyayev’s soul and not his body. Taking this entirely to heart, I commanded a carriage, and that afternoon a black brougham draped with black crape was brought to the Palace. And so off I set for the Piatnitsky police station, for my husband’s murderer was being kept there. Too, by my most forceful order, word of my visit was to be kept with the utmost secrecy, but of course little success came of that. Oh, people, people! As my sister once said to me, “Without character, without love for their Motherland, for God, people of any rank can be such petty dishrags…” And on that subject I did agree a wee bit with my Alix.
Needless to say, beginning with my household and right to the police station, my visit did throw officials into quite a muddle, for I daresay that a princess of any rank, let alone royal, had rarely, if ever, set foot in such an institution. However, the request of a Grand Duchess could not be denied by any excepting husband or Emperor. So toward evening I was taken to the Piatnitsky District, and the director-chief himself led me to a small office where the young Ivan Kalyayev was already waiting for me. I had strongly insisted as well that no one else should be in attendance-not even a guard-and so it was that we were left alone.
What shocked me immediately upon entering the small room was how young he was, how kind and pleasant- looking, this despite the numerous small wounds the blast had left on his face. As the door shut behind me, it struck me how proud he looked, of this I was quite sure, for there appeared not an inkling of regret or remorse. And this nearly knocked me over: how could a civilized person, someone certainly literate, take it upon himself as duty to kill another human being, let alone my husband, a Grand Duke?
I couldn’t stop staring at him, for this young man was not the monster I had imagined, and I slowly crossed the small room, my black dress dragging the floor, my eyes unexpectedly blooming with slow tears.
“Have you come to identify me?” he asked without rising from his chair.
“No.”
“Then why are you here?” Obviously not recognizing me, he pressed, “Who are you?”
“I am his wife.”
A sharp look of surprise crossed his face, yet he did not rise, nor for that matter did he bow. I didn’t care in the least for matters of etiquette, however. I slumped into the chair next to him and quite against my will the tears came aplenty.
Gently, he said, “Princess, don’t cry. It had to be so.” And then, as if thinking aloud, he snapped, “Why do they talk to me only after I have committed a murder?”
I found my eyes staring upon his small hands, the very ones that had hurled the bomb, and to banish that path of thought from my mind I reached out and clasped one of his soft hands, and quietly said, “You must have suffered a great deal to take this decision.”
Clearly, he felt somehow belittled or otherwise offended by my comment, which was of total innocence, and he pulled away and leaped to his feet, blurting out, “What difference does it matter whether I have suffered or not? But, it’s true, I have suffered throughout my life, and I join my suffering to millions of others. Too much blood is being spilt around us, yet we have no other form of protest against a cruel government and a terrible war.” He slammed a clenched fist into his leg, again repeating, “Radi boga,” for the sake of God, “why do they talk to me only after I have committed murder?”
I felt this man’s pain, his torture. Surely there was something good within him, surely there was reason to appeal for mercy for the fallen. He was, after all, as a second godly creature after God.
And, quietly, I said, “It’s a pity that you did not come to see us, that we did not know you earlier.”
“What? You must know what they did to the workers on January ninth, when the people went to see the Tsar, yes? Did you really think that this could go unpunished? There’s a war of hatred being waged against the people. I would give my life a thousand times again, not just once. Russia must be free!”
“But honor, the honor of our country-”
“Honor?” he barked, interrupting me. “What honor?”
“Do you really imagine that we don’t suffer?” I pleaded, for my heart was breaking not simply for my husband but for my country. “Do you honestly believe that we do not wish for the good of the people?”
“Well… you are suffering now…”
We both fell into silence, and he, somewhat calmer, sat down again next to me.
I softly said, “The Grand Duke was a good man, but he had been expecting death, which was the great reason he was preparing to leave the post of Governor-General.”
“Let’s not talk about the Grand Duke. I don’t want to discuss him with you. I’ll tell everything at the trial. You know that I carried this out completely consciously. The Grand Duke assumed a specific political role. He knew what he wanted.”
“Yes, but…” I shook my head. “I’m sorry, I can’t enter into political discussions with you. I only wanted you to know…” I took a deep breath. “I only wanted you to know that the Grand Duke forgives you, and that I will pray for you.”
He looked upon me with soft eyes, then turned away, and confessed, “People have been spared. By will of the Organization, by my will as well, people-and by this I mean you and the children-have avoided bloodshed.”
“What-? You mean-?”
He nodded, and replied, “We could have acted sooner, and nearly did, but we decided to wait until the Grand Duke was alone.”
It was too incredible a thought: the children nearly killed as well? Dear Lord! I gasped, didn’t know how to reply. I felt only a duty to weep with the weeping.
Entering the curious air between us, Kalyayev said, “Between the act of killing your husband and my scaffold lies, I confess, a whole eternity. Which is to say, I can’t wait-I should like to die immediately. You see, Princess, to
