Only Helen's mind refused even to consider the delights that might be in store for her if only Papa would agree to let them go. She could not think beyond the dreadful fact that she had been abandoned, left without a word of explanation, by the man who had become her lover. She sat rigidly in her chair while the animated conversation of her mother and sisters continued. She ate without even realizing that she did so.
The days following were the worst Helen could ever remember living through. Outwardly she was more sociable and more biddable than usual. She sat with her mother and sisters in the mornings sewing and listening to their conversations. She even agreed more than once to ride with Melly, usually a great trial because her sister always insisted that they ride at a -sedate pace perched on their sidesaddles. Helen was usually a neck-or-nothing person, and she had a shocking habit of swinging one leg to the other side of her horse despite the restrictions of a long skirt, when she thought herself unobserved.
In the afternoons and evenings she did whatever her family had planned, sitting with apparent cheerfulness through endless visits, listening to the invariable topic of conversation: the strange defection of Mr. Mainwaring. One and all now recalled that they had never quite taken to the man. He had always held aloof as if he considered himself better than they. 'Toplofty' was the general term of disapproval for the man whose company and favor they had all courted a mere week before.
And Helen listened to the other topic of conversation, which took precedence even over Mr. Mainwaring when her mother and her sisters and she were alone. Although the earl had said only that he would think about it, it was assumed that the proposed visit to London was quite definite. Mama was excited. She had made only one visit to London since her marriage, and that had been a fleeting one of a mere week several years before. She relished the prospect of bringing out three marriageable daughters and of finding husbands for them. There were many old acquaintances whom she could scarcely wait to see again.
Both Emily and Melissa were almost equally delighted by the prospect. Emily had always considered that she was wasted on the company she was likely to meet in the country. Now, at last, she would find her true environment. She would make a brilliant marriage and would be able to behave with amiable condescension whenever she came home for a visit. She did not, of course, put these thoughts into quite such words, but Helen was able to interpret her sister's feelings with some accuracy.
Melissa was suffering from wounded pride. She had fully expected an offer from Mr. Mainwaring. What was worse, she was convinced that everyone else of their acquaintance had expected the same outcome. It was humiliating to find that he had left without a word to her. It was not that she had loved him. Melissa would have scorned to consider such an emotion when thinking of marriage. But he was a handsome and a wealthy man. He would have made a distinguished husband. It was important, now, for her self-esteem, that she find another husband, equally superior to all their other acquaintances. Perhaps more so. In London she would have a chance to meet gentlemen of higher rank than Mr. Mainwaring.
Helen listened and she behaved correctly. The countess eyed her youngest daughter several times during those days with relief. The mention of London had brought about a noticeable change in Helen. Why had she not thought of it before? Of course, the child was very young and she undoubtedly had a great deal more energy than either of the elder girls. It was natural that she should be bored by the very restricted activities of their lives at home. London was just what she needed. There she would have more activities than even her energy could cope with, and there surely she would find some gentleman who would not look too much askance at her strangeness. The child was daughter of an earl, after all, and she would have a le dowry with which to attract attention.
But Helen said nothing. She did what was expected of her and she spoke when good manners dictated that she speak. But within, she ached with a pain that felt as if it must break out into sheer hysteria at any moment. She would not go to the woods. She would not think about William. But one cannot tell oneself to stop thinking about a topic. In fact, Helen found, the one sure way to ensure that one thought constantly on a subject was to try not to. One week after her last visit to her private hideout, she went back there deliberately, in a determined effort to think through what had happened and come to terms with her misery.
She did not change into the cotton dress. She merely pulled off her riding boots and stockings when she reached the banks of the stream and dangled her feet in the water as she sat down. She had not opened the door of the hut. She had no wish this afternoon to bring out any of her books or paints. She had to think.
There could be only one explanation for his hasty departure. It had to be because of her. There had been no warning that he had been contemplating the move. He had accepted several invitations for dates after his departure. It had to be that final afternoon with her that had decided him. What was it? He had seemed genuinely glad to see her after his week of confinement at home. He had talked to her as if she had been a real friend, and he had held her hand the whole while. There had seemed to be real affection in his manner.
And his lovemaking had been far more tender than it had been on the first occasion. He had not been intent only on the satisfaction of his own desire. She had been well aware that he had used his hands and and lips deliberately to build her own excitement. He had been ready for her many minutes before she was ready for him›, she had known. And even when he had thrust inside her, she had known, somewhere on a more rational level than the one of heightened emotion under which she reacted, that his movements had been controlled. All the time he had been deliberately guiding her to a climax, and only when he knew that she had reached it did he allow his control to break.
Those were not the actions of a man who was considering abandoning her. Unless he was an experienced rake who delighted in his own sexual prowess. Somehow, though, the image did not at all fit William Mainwaring as she knew him.
It was afterward, only afterward, that his manner had been less warm. He had not been cold exactly, or unfriendly, but she had felt a withdrawal. He had been in a hurry to leave. In his earlier mood he would have stayed and held her and listened to the story that she wanted to tell him. He had talked about hearing it the next time, but his failure to make a definite tryst with her had been noticeable. She had felt uneasy even at the time. Now she knew that her instinct had been quite right.
But what had caused the change? Had he suddenly become disgusted with what they were doing? Had she said or done anything to make him feel that she was trying to shackle him? Surely not. She had given herself freely to him on two occasions. He could not have felt himself trapped.
'Oh, William, I do love you so!'
Helen's eyes widened. She had not said that, had she? Oh, surely not. She could not have done so before he gave indication that he felt as she did. Why, then, could she almost hear herself saying the words? When would she have said them? She hid her face against her raised knees and thought her way moment by moment through their lovemaking from the first kiss. No, she had not said a word. And then she remembered curling into the warmth of his naked body after he had withdrawn from her. She remembered him kissing her, warm kisses of relaxed affection, passion gone.
'Oh, William, I do love you so,' she had said.
Helen raised a burning face and stared down into the water. For several minutes she could think only of her own shame. Strangely, she felt no shame at all for having given herself to a man who was neither her husband nor her betrothed. But to have told him that she loved him when he had never suggested anything but a physical and perhaps affectionate regard for her was unpardonable. She had been convinced that he did love her, but he had never said so. How could she so demaned herself!
But finally anger took the place of shame. Mr. William Mainwaring had fled from his home, had he, merely because a girl he supposed to be a village wench had tried to lay claim to his affections? He had run like a scared rabbit. It was fine to spend a summer dallying with her in the woods, accepting her free favors, but he was not about to allow himself to be lured into accepting any responsibility for her feelings, He had not even had the courage to say good-bye to her, to tell her face to face that he was going away.
She had loved him and she had thought him worthy of her love. He had seemed a kindly and a sensitive man. She had not suspected him of cowardliness or of moral weakness. But he clearly suffered from both. And cruelty. He was undoubtedly a cruel man. Did he not realize that she would go back to their meeting place and that she would grieve when he did not come?
One thing was now very clear to her. She must not love William Mainwaring any longer. He was not worth
