Based On A True Story

I marched in. (And, yes, you read that correctly, I didn’t walk in, I marched .)

“No, you broke up with me by getting engaged to another woman!” I say, voice rising higher and higher with each word that comes out of my mouth. “It was only after you tried to humiliate me at my ex-boyfriend’s wedding that you even wanted me back.”

“That’s not true,” he says. “That’s not true at all. I realized that you were the one and so I came to the wedding as a romantic gesture.”

“If only that were true,” I say. “After I said ‘no,’ did you get back together with Beryl?”

Yes, Douglas broke up with me and got engaged to a woman named Beryl. I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that he was cheating on me, or the fact that it was with a woman named Beryl.

“Right,” he says.

“Right,” I say back.

“Right.”

“Right,” I say, but then realize I have no idea what we’re even saying “right” to anymore. In fact, I think that he’s saying “right” to something completely different than what I’m saying “right” to. And clearly, you want your “rights” to be right. Right? “Wait? What are we even talking about here? Why are you suing me?!”

“Because you’re writing a movie about my life,” he says, hands folded neatly on top of his desk. Then, looking me dead in the eye he says: “What, you didn’t think I’d find out?”

And, no, the truth is I didn’t think he’d find out. A tiny little part of me (the very, very stupid and naive part, I’m now figuring out) thought that Trip and his wife could just make their little movie about my life quietly and no one would ever be the wiser. Not Douglas, and certainly not Trip.

But the more I think about it, I realize that this is all because of that clip on Entertainment Now . If Ava hadn’t gone on Entertainment Now to announce plans of this film, none of this would have happened! Douglas wouldn’t have found out that my ex-boyfriend was making a movie out of my life and he would never have sued me. This is all Rachel Star’s fault! Damn you, Rachel Star! Why do you have to be so damned perky and report the entertainment news so well?! That’s it-from now on, I am boycotting that show. Yes, from now on, I will only watch Inside Hollywood ! But I digress.

“I’m not doing anything. How would I write a movie and get it produced? Why would I write a movie? I’m a lawyer,” I say. “It’s Trip. My ex-boyfriend, Trip, is writing the movie as a star vehicle for his wife, Ava. Remember Trip? If you’d just come with me to his wedding last spring, none of this would have ever happened.”

“Well,” he says, “according to Entertainment Now , it seems that I did come with you.”

“About that-” I start to say, only to be cut off by Douglas.

“I knew it! Trip still doesn’t know, does he?” Douglas asks. “He actually thinks that that silly American colleague of yours is me?” Douglas throws his head back and laughs with a deep throaty thunder, as if this concept is the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard.

Which is ridiculous in of itself. You see, Douglas is laughing because he thinks that Jack is no match to impersonate him-that he, himself, is so fabulous that Jack isn’t fit to shine his shoes, much less pretend to be in them. When in reality, the opposite is true. Jack is the best thing to ever happen to me. Douglas, as it turned out in the end, was the worst. And Jack was my best friend through all of it. Through the fights and the heartbreak, Jack was always there for me. I’m just lucky that after all these years, Jack and I finally ended up together.

“Jack,” I say to Douglas. “His name is Jack.”

“Well, whatever,” Douglas says, a sly smile creeping onto his lips. “I wonder what Trip will say when he finds out that Jack’s not me?”

“If you drop your lawsuit, I promise that I’ll tell Trip,” I say, and Douglas’s sly smile becomes a full-blown grin.

“Well, I was hoping to get to court at least one time to see you in one of your cute outfits,” he says.

Even though I never figured out exactly what it was that Douglas did for a living, he always found a way to diminish what I did. Cute outfits for court? I’m a big-time lawyer, for God’s sake! Sometimes being so devoted to fashion really has its drawbacks.

“I’m leaving,” I say, getting up out of my chair.

“Wait,” Douglas says. “Sit down. Are you really going to tell Trip everything?”

“Is that what you want? To humiliate me once again? Dumping me mere minutes before my ex-boyfriend’s wedding wasn’t enough for you? Now you want me to confess to my ex that I was so desperate to keep my dignity ever-so-slightly intact that I made my best friend dress up and pretend to be you?”

“Well, yes, actually,” he says, leaning back in his chair. “That’s exactly what I want.”

Hmm… Risk public humiliation at the hands of my ex-boyfriend or face a two-million dollar lawsuit? The sort of quandary single girls everywhere must face on a daily basis.

“Fine,” I say, trying to plaster a fake smile onto my face. “If I tell Trip everything and completely humiliate myself, will you then drop the lawsuit?”

“Sure, Brooke,” he says, putting his hands behind his head. “Sure I will.”

“Shake on it?” I ask, thrusting my hand out for him to shake.

“I have a better idea,” Douglas says, and pulls my hand so that my body goes flying across his desk. I fall on top of his desk and try to use my other hand to get back up. “Now, this is more like it,” he says, leaning over me. “This is what I call a negotiation.”

“You disgust me,” I say, pulling away and struggling to stand upright. I straighten my suit and spin on my heel.

“You’ll come back, Brooke,” Douglas says as I walk out of his office. “You always do.”

Chapter Eight

“Trip,” I say to my ex-boyfriend, “we need to talk.”

We’re on the set of his latest film. You know-the one that’s starring his movie-star wife and is about a woman who goes to her ex-boyfriend’s wedding? Yes, that’s the one. The one that’s all about my life.

Long story.

“I don’t have time to talk, Brooke,” he says, ever the uber-agent to the stars. “If you haven’t noticed, we’re trying to make a movie here.”

“About that,” I say. “There’s something you need to know.”

“Oh, no,” Trip says. “Has the screenplay been leaked on the Internet?”

“No. Trip, listen to me. It’s about Douglas. Well, not Douglas, but… Okay, let me start over. Douglas-I mean, the person who you think is Douglas-isn’t Douglas. That’s why the real Douglas is suing us.”

“What are you talking about, Brooke?” Trip says, putting down his clipboard and giving me his full attention.

“Well, there was a Douglas. A Scottish guy I was living with. But we weren’t engaged when I told you we were-in fact, we were never engaged-and he broke up with me just seconds before your wedding. I didn’t know what to do. I had nowhere to live-thank goodness for Vanessa-and my life was turned upside down. You see, I thought that I had to go to your wedding with some gorgeous Scottish guy just to show you up, but now I realize that none of it really mattered.”

“But you did bring a Scottish guy to my wedding,” Trip says, furrowing his brow. “You mean to tell me that you were able to find another Scottish guy to come with you to my wedding?”

“Right,” I say, “about that. That was Jack, a friend of mine from work. He faked the accent. And the Scottish back story. And we rented the kilt. We even bought a fake engagement ring at a costume shop.”

“You’re kidding me, right?” Trip says. “This has got to be a joke.”

“It’s not,” I say, wishing that it was, in fact, a joke. “I brought Jack and he pretended to be Douglas. Everything worked out in the end because Jack and I ended up getting together and now we’re engaged for real,