“I saw her first,” I say.
It’s true. I seduced Gwen hours before Callie met her.
“But I saw her best,” Callie says.
Also true. While I’ve never had complaints from the women I’ve dated, Callie has a double advantage over me. First, she and Gwen share the same plumbing. Second, she understands the handbook, meaning she can make sense out of all the emotional wiring a woman brings into the bedroom. All the unspoken stuff Callie instinctively understands allows her to not only be Gwen’s physical partner, but her emotional tampon, as well.
Gwen was bisexual when I met her, so Callie didn’t turn her. But Callie won her away from me in record time.
It wasn’t even a contest.
There are other reasons. The fact I already have a steady girlfriend, Rachel, may have been a factor. Also, Callie’s a drop-dead gorgeous force of nature, and fiercely monogamous, while I have a tendency to stray. I mean, I don’t lie about it. I just haven’t found the right woman yet. Well, that’s not entirely true. I found the right woman at least twice. But that’s a story for the second bourbon. Also, Callie lives in a multi-million dollar penthouse condo and I often live in the attics of strangers. Gwen probably feels more secure with Callie. She just lost her husband, Callie just lost her girlfriend, and Lucky’s estate is in Vegas. Callie lives in Vegas. Makes sense, right?
Here’s how things got to this point: Lucky and Gwen were having a weekly three-way with Callie’s girlfriend. When Callie caught Lucky and Eva fucking, she killed them on the spot, but spared Gwen for my benefit. Fate brought Gwen and Callie together, then they connected, and they’ve been together ever since.
Meaning two whole weeks.
I’m still holding out hope that Gwen realizes there’s something missing in her relationship with Callie.
A penis.
Something I’ve got in abundance.
Well, something I’ve got, anyway.
Gwen’s got something, too. Behind one of her implants, she’s hiding a small, ceramic device that can be programmed to kill me. It’s…
Look, it’s a long story.
I’ve got a chip in my brain. Not the kind that blows up like the lamp post lady’s did this morning, but the kind that turns white-hot and can liquefy my brain. My version is less messy than hers, but just as lethal. And while her chip appears to have been activated from a van, close by, I assume it works like the chip in my brain, which can be activated by satellite from nearly anywhere in the world. I don’t know if our chips are related, but I have to assume they are. What I do know is the device Gwen has behind her boob can kill me. And I aim to have it.
Other than the fact I’d like to spend some horizontal time with Gwen, I’m hanging around Vegas till I can retrieve the device from behind Gwen’s boob.
Sounds ridiculous, right? But what’re you going to do?
It is what it is.
Callie and I have explained all this to Gwen, but she’s reluctant to do the surgery. If it weren’t for Callie, I’d perform the surgery myself. But Gwen’s boobs are spectacular, even better than her husband, Lucky’s, boob job had been. Lucky had gotten his boobs after losing a bet, and…
Never mind.
I know what you’re thinking. This whole situation is nuts. Well, it’s even nuttier than you think: Lucky’s girlfriend was the plastic surgeon who performed Gwen’s implant surgery.
But still. Her boobs are like the eighth wonder of the world, and you’d hate to mess that up. Nevertheless, I can’t allow Gwen’s boobs to fall into the wrong hands.
It could literally be the end of me.
So I’m losing my patience.
“I’ll give you till three o’clock to set the appointment,” I say to Callie. “Otherwise, I’m going to take matters into my own hands.”
“Don’t threaten me,” Callie says.
Callie’s my protege. Aside from me, she’s the deadliest human on the planet. I could be wrong about us being the two deadliest. After all, I haven’t met every human on the planet. But I’m in the killing business, so I know most of the deadly ones, and so far we’re one and two on the list. A formidable combination, we are, and based on a great working relationship, one I’d like to maintain.
Which means I’m not going to let a pair of boobs come between us. On the other hand, I aim to have that chip. Callie knows this. She may have a thing for Gwen, but she needs me more. We’re government assassins, and I’m the key to her job opportunities. There are six of us. I run the crew, Callie’s my main operative. So she’ll come through. I’m waiting for her to say something right now about it. She’s about to say something.
But doesn’t.
“I mean it,” I say.
And I do. I stand.
“Where are you going?” Callie says.
“To visit Ropic Industries.”
“You’ll never get in the door.”
I smile. Callie doesn’t know I’ve been planning this for a full week. Gwen doesn’t know, either.
Callie frowns. “What’re you up to?”
I nod my chin toward the kitchen, indicating Gwen. “When Lucky died, Gwen became the majority stockholder of Ropic Industries,” I say.
“So?”
I let her think about that for a minute. Then a smile slowly spreads across Callie’s face.
It’s a helluva face.
6.
Between swallows of Lucky Charms, Gwen asks what she has to do.
“Show up with me at an emergency meeting of the board,” I say.
She loads a spoon with cereal, puts it in her mouth, chews, and swallows it.
“Most people take milk in their cereal,” I say.
“Most people aren’t me,” Gwen says.
Callie and I exchange a look that ends with Callie smiling from out of Gwen’s field of vision. It crosses my mind that if I tell Gwen Callie’s laughing at her behind her back, I might be able to gain the advantage in the quest for Gwen’s considerable charms. But I quickly dismiss the thought. Not because I’m above such deviousness, but because I need the two of them on my side today.
Gwen pushes some cereal around in her bowl with her index finger, separates a rainbow candy piece from the rest, and balances it on her perfect nose. “Watch this,” she says, turning her head sideways so Callie can also see. She drops her chin and catches the rainbow on her tongue, moves her tongue in and out of her mouth more seductively than it sounds, then swallows the rainbow. Then she shows us a goofy smile.
“The trick is to let it slide off your nose slowly,” she says, as gravely as if explaining how to disarm a land mine. “Most people drop their chin too fast.”
Though Callie and I both nod thoughtfully, I doubt “most” people have ever given a thought to balancing cereal on their noses.
Here’s the skinny on Gwen: she was the child bride of Lucky Peters. He saved her from a life of stripping in mob-controlled clubs, gave her a nice home and an air of respectability. But Lucky’s good fortune deserted him, and their life together went downhill fast. I doubt Gwen ever loved him. As far as I can tell, she doesn’t even miss him. Not only did she have sex with me hours before Lucky was killed, she had sex with Callie hours after he was killed!
So, yes, Gwen and I shared an intimate afternoon. Our first session was tepid at best. But then I discovered
