‘Do you know who I liked?’ said Anna. ‘I liked Ireland Joe. I mean, before everything… the guy whose face was relaxed, who didn’t have a frown all the time, who made jokes, actually laughed.’
‘I still know how to laugh.’ He glared at her.
‘Maybe you just don’t put it into practice, then.’
‘Come on, Anna, there’s always something.’
‘No there isn’t.’
‘We were having a nice night,’ said Joe.
‘And then we weren’t. Because you had to-’
‘No, no, because you had to,’ said Joe. ‘You can’t face what’s inside you, so you look outwards, you’ve got your little roaming red crosshairs. Who can they land on? Who can they land on? Oh yeah, nearest person: me.’
‘It’s not that at all. You can’t bear anyone criticising you.’
‘Ditto.’
She shook her head. ‘You can’t. You come home from work complaining every time your judgment is called into question. Maybe it’s you who can’t face who you are or what you’ve done.’
‘What is that supposed to mean?’
‘I think you feel guilty.’
‘About what?’
She stared at him. ‘I think that’s obvious.’
‘If you’re talking about you, damn right I feel guilty. What guy – not to mention detective – is not going to feel guilty that he nearly got his wife killed?’
‘I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with you feeling guilty-’
‘Since when did I need your blessing on what I can or cannot feel?’
‘Joe, stop.’
He took a breath. Anna reached out and held his hand.
‘I’m just saying, I think you feel guilty, but you’re not dealing with your guilt and… you’re like a time bomb.’
He tilted his head. ‘OK. Well, I think you feel scared, but you’re not dealing with your fear and you’re like a time bomb.’
‘You are impossible to talk to.’
‘So are you.’
She dropped his hand. ‘How old are you? Grow up.’
‘Oh,’ said Joe, ‘just to let you know, I knocked over one of your boxes last night. I think something broke.’
Anna turned to him. ‘Which box?’
‘I don’t know. A navy blue one?’
‘No,’ said Anna, raising her hand to her mouth, running down the hallway into the front room. She grabbed a pair of scissors from the floor and cut through the tape on the box. She pulled it open.
‘Oh, no, no,’ she said, gently lifting out one half of a broken glass lampshade. Joe stood behind her.
‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘Was it expensive?’
‘You don’t want to know… because you’ll have to replace it.’
‘What?’
‘It’s only on loan for a shoot. I’m responsible for it. You broke it.’
‘Well, how much is it?’
‘Eight hundred dollars.’
‘Eight hundred dollars. You are shitting me. For a lamp?’
‘Oh, come on,’ she said. ‘I’m not working for the Bay Ridge Gazette.’
‘I don’t really have to replace it, right?’
‘You do,’ she said. ‘It’s in my care.’
‘Tell them it broke in transit.’
‘They know it arrived here OK.’
‘I don’t have that kind of money to hand over to some fucking… and who the hell spends eight hundred dollars on a lamp?’
‘You’d be surprised.’
‘I am surprised. I’m also surprised that more things don’t get broken in this house. It’s out of control, Anna. It’s crazy. It’s like a bomb site in here. I can’t live this way. Meanwhile, you’re happy as can be, getting a ton of new stuff in every day. Every day’s your birthday. Every time, you open the door to the mailman, UPS guy, whoever, sign, take the package, walk five steps into the front room, throw it in there, maybe open it, see what’s inside or hey, just leave it lying there-’
‘You don’t need to reconstruct everything in your life, Joe. I’m here, I’m not a dead body. You can just ask me what I do when my doorbell rings.’
Joe rolled his eyes.
‘Go ahead,’ said Anna. ‘Ask me what I do when my doorbell rings. How much fun it is for me.’
‘Spare me,’ said Joe. ‘It’s pretty clear what happens and how all this crap piles up in the front room.’
‘You’re leaving some things out. Here’s what happens: the doorbell rings and wherever I am in the house, I freeze. Then my heart jumps and starts to beat faster. I wonder will I go and open it or will I wait until they go away. If I’m near a window, I can check. I look at the uniform, see if it’s correct, I look at the person’s face, see if I am looking at an honest one, I see if I can see their truck, I check if anyone else is out there on the street. In the middle of this, guess what else I’m thinking about?’
Joe stared at her and it was clear that anger was winning the fight over sympathy.
‘Maybe,’ said Anna, ‘if you paid attention at home, you would have a better understanding of things that are not black and white or follow some sequence that you imagine in your head because you’re not around to see it.’ She walked across the room and yanked open the top drawer of an old mahogany bureau, grabbing with both hands the piles of cards inside it. ‘Sometimes,’ she said, throwing the contents at him, ‘things don’t always work out the way you think.’
Joe stood still as all around him FedEx and UPS failed delivery slips floated to the floor.
ELEVEN
‘Shaun?’ Anna knocked on the bedroom door lightly and pushed it open. The quilt was gathered in a huge mound, hiding his face… and the face of the girl lying beside him she realized when she saw two abandoned strappy sandals on the floor. Anna’s stomach gave a jolt. She walked backwards out of the bedroom and closed the door quietly behind her. The she stormed back in to Joe.
‘That little… salope is in there with Shaun,’ she hissed.
‘Oh,’ said Joe. ‘No.’
‘Yes. In bed with him!’
Joe stared at her. ‘I didn’t think she’d be on the floor.’
‘She will be in a minute. And the smell of beer in there!’
‘OK, OK, don’t do anything crazy that will scar him for life,’ said Joe. ‘Let’s see how he handles this first.’
She glanced towards the door.
‘No,’ said Joe. ‘Come back to bed for a few minutes. I promise I’ll de-stress you.’
‘So, we’re friends now?’ she said.
‘Of course we’re friends. We’re united against the teenage enemy.’
Anna choked back a laugh, then put her finger to her lips. ‘Shhh,’ she said. ‘I’m going down for breakfast.’
‘I’ll make it,’ said Joe. He jumped up and ran after her to make sure she wasn’t going to do anything. He ran
