Half Broken Things

had smiled because of their youth and friendliness, smiled while putting them in their place and perhaps also at their deference and respect for me, ‘the English lady’, and for their admiration of my house. Whatever the reason, my face was much improved for it. It had not smiled like that for a long time and I liked the brightness in my eyes and the lift round my mouth. My skin looked warmer and my face rounder, as if I’d been plumped up with optimism, and I had a receptive look, as if the sound of human voices, including my own, had made me newly alert.

I was still half-smiling, long after they had gone. The reason for my continuing smile lay in the remembered pleasure of the words I had spoken, talking about my son to complete strangers.

Steph was carrying this one high. There had been a growth spurt and now it lodged right under her boobs like a strapped-on sandbag and her stretchy cotton skirt rose up at the front, well above her knees. It had been some time since her cardigan closed over the swell, and now the T-shirt she wore underneath was also too small and an acreage of skin like uncooked pastry was revealed where the T-shirt failed to meet the skirt top. She had taken the ring out of her navel, which now protruded, its vulnerable flesh like private, inside skin turned indecently outwards. She pulled the T-shirt over it a hundred times a day but always her belly shifted, the T-shirt rode up again and her navel reappeared like the inquisitive pink snout of a puppy sniffing at cold air. She had no money for new clothes.

‘Cover that up, will you.’ Jace’s eyes returned to the road in front. Steph pulled the T-shirt down and shivered. The seatbelt was uncomfortably tight, although she had let it out all she could. She thought that Jace probably could adjust it more but he would need to fiddle about with the bit clamped to the wall of the car. She had asked him to, once. She had no very clear idea how advanced her pregnancy was but it was not more than six months; she was going to get bigger still, and if Jace wouldn’t adjust the seatbelt for her, then she was going to have to go without it. But she did not think it would be worth asking again. It was the least of her worries. Jace kept saying he had no money either, but he had more than her, that was for certain. They were on their way now to look at somebody’s car stereo, for God’s sake, that Jace had seen advertised in the paper. He fancied a better one, that was all, and he was ready to spend hundreds on it, so how come she had nothing to wear, and nothing for the baby, when it came? As they drove on in silence, she considered asking him again for some money. But if she did, the conversation would go like this:

I can’t help it showing. I need some new stuff to wear, don’t I? This is too small.

Better get something then, hadn’t you?

I can’t. Aw, Jace, going to buy us something? I haven’t got any money, have I?

Get your Nan to get it. She’s the one supposed to be looking after you.

Steph sighed at the wholly expected turn that the imagined conversation would take. It was true that she was still living, though Nan called it staying, at her grandmother’s house. She had told Jace several times what the score was, that it was only temporary and Nan would rather she were not there at all, but the trouble with Jace was it didn’t matter how many times you told him something, if he didn’t like it he would just keep going on about it and in exactly the same way, whatever you said. So Steph could say now, yet again: She’s not looking after me. She says I should be in my own place. She says she’s not having a baby in the house and when all’s said and done she’s got her own life to lead. But it would make no difference. Actually, as far as Steph could see her Nan did lead her own life anyway whether Steph was there or not, but Nan often made the point and Steph supposed that, as it was Nan’s house, she was entitled to make it.

She looked at Jace. He was doing three things: driving, smoking and poking his head forwards and backwards in time to the music. He would not add conversation to these, being quite absorbed already. The music was so loud you would think the drummer plus drum kit were riding along in the back of the car. Jace, if he had anything to say to her, would have to shout to be heard and what he would say would be:

Well, then. You should do something about it, shouldn’t you? Get your benefit sorted for a start. Don’t think I’m forking out just ’cause you won’t get your money sorted.

I can’t go to the benefit office like this.

Shouldn’t have fallen pregnant, then, should you?

It wasn’t just up to me, Jace. You are its father.

So you say. I’m not forking out for a bloody kid that’s maybe not even mine. You want to get yourself sorted.

Steph stared straight ahead. The conversation always ended there, so she was right not even to have started it. It wouldn’t have been worth the breath. Every conversation started with Jace going on about something to do with the way she looked, then went on to her lack of money, at which point she would tell him again why she could not go to claim any. Early on in her pregnancy she might also have pointed out something about having to give up college for the baby, reminding him that getting to college had been important to her, and Jace would have said something dismissive about doing A-level art in the first place. Fucking useless. Where’s that leading, fucking nowhere, was how he put it. Then he would shift the attack onto different ground, saying just to torment her that he couldn’t be sure that the baby was his and so why should his money support ‘it’. And anything that she might say in reply to that would make no difference. So Steph squirmed quietly as they drove along, pulled at her T-shirt and knew she was right, again, not to have opened her mouth.

It was less exhausting to run the conversation in her head, which was the closest Steph could bear to go in confronting the mess she was in. Her Nan did not want her any more than Jace did, and she had no money for clothes or anything else. And she could not go and register for benefit because she was going to keep this baby, and if they knew she was having it they would interfere. No more could she go to a doctor, or even have it in hospital, because they would take it off her the minute it was born. Not that Jace had ever suggested she should see a doctor, he didn’t think about things like that. She should be all right, though. It was just nature, after all. She tried to swallow her fear. She would be all right, she had done it once before with no problems, and it got easier with each one, didn’t it? That was what everyone said.

She looked across at Jace again and thought without emotion that he looked bloody stupid with his head going in and out like that. He was a thin person with a very small chin, and Steph suddenly realised that he looked just like the school tortoise, speeded up. If you held out a leaf of parsley to the tortoise- she remembered it had 4F, the class number, painted on its shell but she had forgotten its name- its head would pop out like that and pop back in, just like Jace’s. Anyway, the tortoise was dead now and here she was, sitting here, knowing there was no point in saying I can’t go to the benefit office in this state, can I? They’ll get the social workers at me and then they’ll take it away when it comes and I’m not having that, right? I’m keeping this one, right? She tugged her T-shirt protectively over her belly and felt like crying.

You’re mad, you’re fucking mad, you are. And you got a bloody kid already. Jesus, look at the state of you.

I was too young. I told you that I was only fifteen with Stacey. I wanted to keep her, it’s not my fault they wouldn’t let me.

And so what’s different now? You’ve not even got a place to bring it up, have you?

She remembered, it was called Tommy. Tommy the tortoise. Steph began to cry noisily. He had got run over by a teacher’s car in the playground. That was the kind of thing that upset her now, silly things. Important things, like Stacey, upset her even more. Stacey would be nearly seven now. Seven, and somebody else’s. Steph’s sobs grew louder and more desperate. She had been too young and scared not to go along with what everybody told her to do.

That’s not my fault, is it? You said you’d get us a flat! And we’re not too young, I’m twenty-three and you’re twenty-one, there’s loads of people our age with kids! Loads! You were meant to be moving out of your mum’s and getting us a place. You said.

Jace was looking at her crumpled weeping face with scorn, but there was no let-up in the poke-poke of his head nor in the volume of sound. He shouted, ‘You do my head in, you do! Shut up, can’t you!’

And Steph did, because Jace’s voice was at a dangerous pitch and a whack might follow, even though he was driving. Jace stubbed out his cigarette. He had won that round easily and planned to win the next by changing the subject. ‘I’m out of fucking fags.’

Steph sniffed and blew her nose. ‘You shouldn’t smoke in front of me, it’s bad for the baby. And I’m not giving this one up, we’re keeping it. You said we’d keep it. You said.’