quietly.
Six
Elizabeth declined to join the family for dinner, pleading a headache and the need to complete her preparations for her departure on the morrow. Although her natural high spirits were beginning to reassert themselves somewhat, she felt unequal to the challenge of being the focus of everyone’s attention, especially her mother and her aunt Phillips. She was also embarrassed to be the subject of a scandal, and would prefer not to know any further details of the rumors. Her hope was that she could learn to make the best of an unfortunate situation, and she reminded herself firmly that although her marriage to Darcy was destined to be conflictual, at least there was a basis of affection underneath. She now regretted refusing to hear him out that afternoon. It was not a promising beginning to what was bound to be a long series of compromises, and, if she were to be completely honest, she found it upsetting that they had parted on such a hostile note.
Mrs. Bennet did not appear to miss her daughter, since her presence was not necessary to a discussion of the wonderful match she had made, and how every mother in the district would be envious. If Elizabeth wished to hide in her room rather than to display her conquest, it was of no importance to her mother.
However, it was a different matter entirely after dinner when Mr. Darcy chose to call, requesting to speak with Elizabeth despite the unseemly hour. After all, he had apparently not actually proposed yet, and Mrs. Bennet was certainly not going to permit any possible opportunity for that to be bypassed, regardless of headache or heartache. She appeared at her daughter’s door, demanding her presence to speak to Mr. Darcy, fussing over her hair and gown, all while insisting that she make haste and not keep the gentleman waiting. Elizabeth could not but be amused by her mother’s machinations, especially when she discovered that, in complete disregard for propriety, her mother expected her to meet Darcy in the rear sitting room rather than joining the other guests.
Darcy was standing by the window, looking serious, and twisting the ring on his finger. Elizabeth, feeling it would be beneficial to set a more positive tone, said lightly, “You appear to have an ally, sir. I believe that had I not cooperated in coming down immediately, my mother would have used a horsewhip!”
Relaxing slightly at this evidence that her anger had abated, he said, “I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling unwell.”
She shook her head. “I am well enough. I did not feel the inclination to be in company this evening.”
“I am sorry then to disturb you.” He felt unequal to exchanging these distant pleasantries with her after reliving her rejection for hours. He could not bear to face the withdrawal of her affections. If he lost her now, he did not know how he would survive it. He crossed the room and took both her hands in his. “I came to beg your understanding and forgiveness. I do not wish to part as we did.”
Elizabeth hesitated. She had to explain her need to be involved in decisions, and her intent was to be pleasant and calm with him as she clarified her problems with his behavior and her future expectations. She had not anticipated, however, how painful it would be to be in his presence with a quarrel between them, nor how much she would long for a resolution of the sense of betrayal she still felt. She wanted more than anything else to throw herself into his arms, but was resolved not to continue their past neglect of proprieties, given the difficulties it had already caused. “Nor do I, and I am glad that it is important to you as well.”
“There is nothing more important to me than you,” he said softly.
She cast her eyes down in embarrassment. “I…”
“And I deeply regret that my actions led to this outcome.”
“Mr. Darcy,” she said uncomfortably, “I appreciate your apology, but I believe that we must discuss the matter somewhat further, as I fear that otherwise we may face ongoing difficulties. I would prefer to resolve the matter now, if you are willing.”
“As you wish, of course,” he said cautiously, an element of fear beginning to settle in him. “What do you wish to discuss?”
“I fear that we have differing understandings of why the events of today were upsetting for me, so I would ask for clarification of the reason for your apology.”
His heart sank. “For upsetting you, and for being sufficiently lacking in self-control that there could be grounds for these rumors in the first place.”
“But not, apparently, for what you said.”
His pride reasserted itself. “I am sorry that it upset you, and that it put you in a difficult position. I do not see that I had any choice—at least any honorable one—but to say what I did.”
She took a deep breath. “Had you seen fit to consult me, I might even have agreed, but you did not see fit to consult me. Please bear in mind in the future that I expect to be involved in decisions that concern me to this extent, whether or not you see any choice in the matter.”
The rush of relief he felt at her reference to the future was great. “I… will endeavor to do my best, because I do value your opinion, Miss Bennet. Had there been an opportunity in this case, I certainly would have informed you of my plans.”
“You would have
He turned away and walked to the window, where he stood in silence and looked out. Her words had angered him, and he knew better than to answer her when he was angry. Did she not realize he was constantly expected to make decisions for others, and how hard he strove to act in their best interest? She clearly had no understanding of his responsibilities. He willed his breathing to slow. He could not afford to be irate with her right now; too much was at stake, and any hold he had on her affections too tenuous. God, if he lost her now…. There could be no repetition of his furious lashing out at Hunsford. Of course, at Hunsford she had been in the right, although he could not admit it for some time.
Was it possible she could be correct again? Clinically, he looked at her complaint. He could still see no fault in his behavior, but if he looked at it from her position—yes, he could see that he would not have liked it either. Perhaps he had fallen too much into the habit of making decisions by himself, and that would indeed need to change if he married. Yes, that much he could accept, but he could not bring himself to face her accusing look. First he needed to find a way to tell her that he understood, but he was paralyzed by his fear that her warmth of the previous days would be a thing of the past, regardless of his actions now.
Elizabeth was discovering that Darcy in a rage, even a silent one, was a frightening thing, and that, having unleashed the tiger, she had no idea of how to rein it in. Yet another fear underlay that one. What if she had finally pushed him too far? At what point would he decide she was not worth the struggle? She gathered all her courage and forced herself to approach him. Bracing herself physically as well as mentally, she reached out and put her hand lightly on his arm.
He looked down at her hand as if puzzled where it had come from, and then abruptly crushed her into his arms. She let out a half-sobbing breath of relief as she laid her head against his chest, grateful beyond words not to be rejected. Her desire to believe that they could work this out, that they could go back to the previous day and begin again, was overwhelming.
Burying his face in her hair, Darcy said a silent prayer of gratitude. He could accept anything as long as he had Elizabeth, but he could no longer bear this constant uncertainty of her regard. The doubt had become more than he could stand. “Elizabeth,” he pleaded, with an edge of desperation, “for God’s sake, please tell me that you care, even if only a little bit.”
She reached up and took his face in her hands. “Can you not tell?” she asked with a catch in her voice.
“No, I cannot. I have misread you so badly and so often that I no longer believe that I can judge.”
“Mr. Darcy,” she said with some amusement, “I hope that you do not believe I give my favors this freely to men I do not care about!”
There was a pause as he took this in. “Miss Bennet, I do believe that you are teasing me.”
“Do you not deserve it, sir?” she asked archly.
