‘But your dad left you,’ Axel said. ‘That couldn’t have been easy?’
Jon curled up on the thwart.
‘People lose each other all the time,’ he said, ‘and they carry on anyway. As I did. It was fine, we managed fine.’
Axel’s oar sliced like a knife through the water.
‘Well,’ he said, ‘this is fun. But we all know what this is really about. Don’t we, Jon?’
Everyone in the boat fell completely silent.
Jon’s head dropped, he was having trouble breathing. Hanna had told him what to do when this happened. Stand up, she had said, so that your lungs have room to expand. But he was scared of standing up in the boat so he stayed huddled up, struggling to breathe.
Reilly mumbled a verse he had learned by heart.
‘“If God were to punish men according to what they deserve, He would not leave on the back of the earth a single living creature: but He gives them respite for a stated Term: when their Term expires, verily God has in His sight all His Servants.”’
‘Jesus,’ Axel said, ‘I’m impressed. You know your Bible.’
‘Koran, Axel, Koran.’
‘Same thing, isn’t it?’
‘No,’ Reilly said. ‘It’s not the same thing.’
Axel stuck his hand in his pocket and came up with a packet of Marlboro. The flame from the lighter made his face glow.
‘Why are we stopping?’ Jon asked.
‘Just felt like a cigarette,’ Axel replied.
Jon stared at his feet for a long time; he was feeling nauseous. He was far away from the cabin and even further away from the hospital. I’m in their way, he thought, I’m the weak link. I can’t do what they can. Axel’s eyes glow like his cigarette, those eyes will never leave me in peace.
Reilly stared at the bottom of the boat. He also seemed to be uncomfortable. He was too big overall, his arms and legs too long. His large hands rested on his knees. From the shore they heard a rustling sound, probably a bird taking off, Jon thought. Axel inhaled. Jon watched the repetitive movements. He followed the tip of Axel’s cigarette with his eyes. It had an almost hypnotic effect on him. Why aren’t they talking, he wondered, what are they waiting for? Are they trying to get rid of me, is that why they came to pick me up from the hospital, is that why they wanted to get me out here on the water, in the darkness? The fear crept up on him, but it was a ridiculous notion; they are my friends, he rebuked himself, sitting here worrying like a little kid, what am I thinking? Pull yourself together, Jon Moreno.
But he was incapable of pulling himself together. If only he could take off like the bird and fly away from everything, away from anxiety and guilt. Like a sleepwalker he got up from the thwart. Then he fell over the side of the boat.
Everything happened softly and quietly. There were only a few splashes which swiftly turned into ripples. Then he was gone.
Reilly leapt up, the boat rocked. He went to jump in after him, but Axel pulled him back down.
‘Don’t!’ he shouted. ‘You won’t make it. You won’t get him back into the boat, your clothes will get waterlogged and you’ll both drown. Don’t do it!’
‘Jon can’t swim,’ Reilly screamed.
Axel held him tight. The boat settled down.
The water lay shiny and still.
They dragged the boat ashore.
Everything had happened so fast that Reilly had barely had time to think, but he was thinking now. And Jon must have thought, too, as he swallowed the cold, muddy water. While he sank to the bottom he must have been thinking that it was all over now. It was all over. But I’m still here, Reilly thought, and I wake up every day struggling to breathe. They were back inside the cabin. Axel lit the paraffin lamp. The fire had nearly gone out, only a few embers remained. He removed the fireguard with the two wolves and threw on a new log. It soon flared up. Reilly sat down on a chair. He slumped, his big hands resting on his thighs. It was not long before he rummaged around his inside pocket for a small bottle. It looked like the miniature shampoo bottles you find in hotels and it was filled with a clear liquid. He poured a little into the cap and swallowed it.
‘What’s that you’re taking?’ Axel wanted to know.
‘An upper.’
‘And what’s an upper?’
Reilly closed his eyes.
‘Don’t worry about it. It’s a substance which naturally occurs in your brain. I’m merely raising the level.’
He sat still, waiting for the rush which was about to hit his head and body. Soon he would feel as light as a feather. A wave would lift him upwards and onwards, and the pain which was always with him would melt away like snow.
‘What are we going to do?’ Reilly asked.
Axel waited a long time before he replied.
‘I’ve got an idea,’ he said. ‘We do nothing right now. We wait until the morning, then we call. We say that Jon must have gone out while we were sleeping. That we woke up and found his room empty. It’s simpler like that. It’s the middle of the night and it would take them several hours to drive here. They can’t start looking for him now, anyway. What do you think, Reilly?’
Reilly shook his head. ‘We have to call,’ he said. ‘Who do we call, who will come?’
‘Divers,’ Axel said. ‘Police officers and people from the rescue services. And they might bring dogs. It’ll be teeming with people here. Also, I’ve been thinking about something,’ he added. ‘I don’t fancy telling Ingerid that we watched Jon drown. I don’t want to be a bigger part of this than I have to. It was Jon’s choice.’
‘But he didn’t have a choice,’ Reilly objected.
‘He was ill,’ Axel said.
Again there was silence in front of the fire. The rush carried Reilly off.
Besides, it suited him fine that Axel made the decision.
‘We need to agree on some key points,’ Axel said. ‘I’m the first to wake up. I see that Jon has gone. I go straight to your room to tell you. I run around the forest calling out for him, but after one hour we give up and phone for help.’
‘They’ll want to know how Jon was,’ Reilly said. ‘If we noticed anything.’
‘We didn’t notice anything in particular. Jon was just as he always was. And we haven’t found any letters. We need to roll out his sleeping bag, he didn’t unpack it. We’ll say that we went to bed at midnight and that we haven’t seen him since.’
They went to the smallest bedroom, where Jon normally slept. Reilly rolled out the sleeping bag and arranged it on the bed. He pulled down the zip and rumpled it up a bit. Axel put his hand on Reilly’s shoulder.
‘Let’s go and sit down, have a beer.’
‘He went straight down,’ Reilly said.
‘I know,’ Axel replied.
They were back in front of the fire. Reilly met Axel’s eyes in the flickering glow.
‘You’re finding this all very convenient, aren’t you? That he’s gone.’
Axel clenched his teeth. ‘I think you should watch your mouth,’ he hissed.
‘I’ve noticed how you look at him sometimes,’ Reilly said. ‘I think Jon found you intimidating. I think he felt you were always judging him.’
‘Your imagination is playing tricks on you,’ Axel said. ‘No more drugs now, they mess with your mind. You need to have a clear head tomorrow when the police turn up.’
They sat in silence for a while.
‘Why don’t we make the call now?’ Reilly said. ‘Why don’t we call for help right away?’
Axel got up and started wandering around the room. ‘Taking your own life is a choice you make alone,’ he said, ‘and I do not want to be literally a spectator of it.’
‘But we were spectators. And we’ll have to talk to his mum. She’ll ask all sorts of questions. She’ll blame us
