it's a long story.'
'And an interesting one,' added Reg. 'Full of magic and mystery, not to mention beautiful queens, dastardly sorcerers and — '
'Fascinating,' said the princess, ignoring Gerald's outstretched hand and picking herself up off the floor. 'But I'm far too busy for fairy tales. I have to get you settled, Professor, then I have to deal with the Kallarapi and — ' She swallowed the rest of the sentence as though the words hurt her throat. 'But I digress. Shall we continue?' Bending over, she scooped the still-shaken Boris into her arms, flung him backwards over her shoulder and continued her brisk way along the corridor. The cat flopped bonelessly down her back, pulling hideous faces.
'You could at least try to glide!' Reg screeched after her. 'You look like the goal keeper on an all-girl hockey team!'
Gerald snatched her from atop his head and shoved her under his arm. 'Do you mind? What are you trying to do, get me arrested?'
'Of course not,' said Reg, in a squashed voice. 'But someone's got to tell her, she's obviously got no mother to do it and she's letting the side down.'
He heaved a long-suffering sigh, picked up his carpet-bag and started after the princess. 'Reg, how many times do I have to say this? Like it or not, you are a bird now. The rest of it — well, it's all gone. I know you don't want to accept that but honestly, don't you think it's time you did?'
'No, I don't,' retorted Reg. 'I'll never accept it, not if I live to be a thousand, which isn't going to happen if you keep on shoving me into your armpit! Phew!'
'Oh! Sorry' He stuck her back on his shoulder. 'Look, you suit yourself. But please Reg, would you for once think before you speak? The last thing I need is to get fired from this job, at least not before I've figured out what's going on with me and my sudden upgrade.'
'Well, I can't promise anything,' said Reg grudgingly. 'But I'll try. Now get a move on, would you? I want to get all the bureaucratic claptrap out of the way and put my feet up. I don't know about you but after all this excitement I could kill for a cup of tea and a nice fat mouse.'
Several corridors and a couple of staircases later, the princess led them into a small room crowded ceiling to floor with overburdened bookcases and crammed wall to wall with a desk, filing cabinet, two chairs and several wilting pot plants. The only painting in sight was of a terminally pathetic kitten sitting on a dustbin, with its billiard-ball eyes cast mournfully to the heavens. It bore a faded resemblance to Boris. 'Oh, please,' Reg muttered. 'Spare me.'
'My office,' said Princess Melissande, and waved at the battered visitor's chair. 'Have a seat, Professor. There's just some paperwork to sort out, then I'll show you to your suite.' She deposited Boris on top of the nearest bookcase and slid in behind the desk, which was covered with files, papers, pens, inkpots, an antiquated telephone and some heavy leather-bound books. The crystal ball was there, too, doing double duty as a paperweight.
'Urn… Your Highness… can I beg a favour?' he said as he sat in the proffered chair and settled Reg on its right-hand arm.
'By all means you can beg! she said, discouragingly.
'It's about Reg. I realise it's pointless trying to go on pretending that she's just a trained parrot…'
'Certainly it's pointless trying to pretend that she's trained. But?'
'But,' he continued, willing Reg to silence, 'if you don't mind I'd rather it didn't get about that she's… unusual. There might be unfortunate consequences.'
The princess smiled thinly. 'Trust me, Professor, I'm quite happy for your bird to remain silent. Whether your bird will be happy is another matter entirely'
'She will be,' he said, and closed a hasty thumb and forefinger around Reg's beak.
'If you say so. Now, to get down to business — ' The phone rang, and with an apologetically impatient glance at him she answered it. 'Yes?'
As he waited, Gerald sat back and considered his surroundings more closely. They were positively… shabby. Which didn't seem right, seeing as how the princess was not only a princess but a prime minister to boot. Granted, New Ottosland wasn't a very big country, nor an important one, but even so. The second most important person in any country should warrant an office larger and more attractively decorated than a broom closet.
Without appearing to, he shifted his attention to the princess. Reg was right. Compared to the lavish sartorial display that was her glorious golden brother, she really did look dowdy. And then he realised no, it was more than that. She looked beleaguered. As though she were being slowly pressed flat to the floor by a weight too heavy for her to bear. Of course it could just be the strain of dealing with the king. On short acquaintance Lional did seem like a handful. But glancing around the drab office, and remembering the dilapidated state of everything except Lional and the audience chamber, he had the nasty feeling it wasn't quite as simple as that.
'Very well, Swithins,' the princess said, bringing her conversation to an end. 'Make the arrangements. I'll see the costs are covered somehow.The Kallarapi might be making things a trifle — challenging — just now but I'll be damned if the mailroom staff have to forgo their annual picnic on top of everything else.'
So. His suspicion was correct. New Ottosland was running out of money. Unbelievable. Can I pick them or can I pick them?
The princess replaced the receiver. 'Now… where were we?'
'Starting to wonder if you lot can afford a royal court wizard, actually' said Reg, her eyes bright with suspicion.
Which was true, but even so… 'No we weren't!' he said hastily. 'But if you don't mind me asking — '
This tune the princess's smile was resigned. 'Well, you were always going to find out sooner or later. New Ottosland is currently experiencing a minor and temporary cash-flow problem.'
Yes, yes, just what he needed: continued penury. Wlien Monk hears this he's going to piss himself laughing.'Because of the Kallarapi?' 'That's right: 'May I ask why?'
She fidgeted with a pen, avoiding his gaze. 'If you're worrying about being paid, Professor, don't. Lional always comes up with money for the things that matter to him.' 'Oh, I wasn't worried.' 'Speak for yourself,' said Reg.
'No,' the princess sighed.'I suppose I do owe you an explanation. So: New Ottosland Economics, A Beginner's Primer. Pay attention, you will be quizzed at the end of the lesson.'
'I already know that New Ottosland sits smack dab in the middle of a desert,' he said helpfully.
'That's right,' she said, nodding. 'The Kallarapi Desert. Which explains everything, really. You see, when the Kallarapi ceded the territory which in due course became New Ottosland — '
'Why did they do that, incidentally?' he interrupted. 'You'd think anybody who lived in a desert would welcome lots of grass and water.'
She grimaced. 'The best I've been able to figure out is that it's something religious. But since they don't discuss their religion with outsiders, that's as much as I can tell you. And anyway it doesn't much matter why, does it? It happened and now I have to live with it. So. As I was saying. When they ceded the territory a treaty-in- perpetuity was signed. We fly our balloons through Kallarapi airspace and drive camel trains across their deserts with our imports and exports and travellers and so forth, and they charge us a tariff for the privilege. And until five months ago the arrangement worked perfectly'
'So who put the fly in the ointment?' said Reg, scratching behind her head.'As if I didn't know'
'Weeeell,' said the princess at length, 'to be absolutely fair it's not completely Lional's fault.' 'Just mostly?' said Reg sweetly.
The princess ignored that. 'A month after Lional became king the old Sultan of Kallarap died and his heir Zazoor took over. Lional and Zazoor were at boarding school together in Ottosland and I'm afraid they didn't get along. They started competing with each other from the day they met, in everything from Algebra to Famous Ancestors, not to mention rugby, tennis, diving, cricket, polo and every other stupid game you can think of, and they didn't stop until the day they graduated.' She pulled a face. 'Men!
'So,' said Gerald, slowly, 'the minute Zazoor came to power he started up the old piss- er — conflict — by hiking up the tariff rates?'
'Not… exactly,' said the princess, with a look that suggested she was perfectly familiar with the original choice of phrase, thank you very much. 'Yes, he started hiking up the tariffs but only after Lional started sending him snarky little notes implying some kind of financial double-dealing on his part.' 'And was there?'
