one. I ask you, where is the benefit in dancing to the whirligig tune of some addle-brained power-drunk third-rate backwater king?'
There was orange juice running down his fingers. Reaching for a napkin he said, teeth clenched tight, 'That's not the point. The point, Reg, is — '
'Oh, I know what your point is, Gerald. It's that bloody princess! You've gone and fallen arse over tea-kettle for Madam Fashion Disaster, haven't you? Oh Gerald] How could you!'
He could have banged his head on the table. 'Reg, for pity's sake. I have not fallen arse over teakettle for the princess.'
Reg squinted at him suspiciously 'Are you sure? Because I'm not blind, Gerald, I saw the way you were around her yesterday, dumbstruck with admiration, and — '
'Are you cracked? I wasn't dumbstruck with admiration, I was just dumbstruck!' he cried.'She's even bossier than you are and I didn't think that was possible! I'm telling you, Reg, I am not in love with — '
'Good morning,' said a bemused voice from the doorway.'I knocked, but nobody answered.'
Princess Melissande, even more rumpled and harassed than she'd been yesterday. This morning she was wearing dark blue trousers and a pale green shirt that may or may not have been recently introduced to a hot iron. Her hair was scraped back into a lumpy plait and the freckles on her face remained uncamouflaged by makeup. Behind the glasses, her eyes looked tired.
Gerald dropped the orange and stood. 'Your Highness. Good morning. Please, come in.'
As he hurried to close the foyer doors behind her she slumped into his vacated chair and reached into the fruit bowl for a candied kumquat. 'I interrupted you, Professor. You were saying something about not being in love with… what?'
'What?' He glared at Reg, who crossed her eyes at him. 'Ah — oh, yes! The idea of being His Majesty's secret weapon against the Kallarapi. I think, as a plan, it could do with a rethink. Reg agrees.'
The kumquat stopped halfway to the princess's mouth. 'Reg agrees? You were discussing affairs of state with a bird?'
'Oh, yes. She's very knowledgeable. Well. About some things, anyway. You'd be surprised.'
Princess Melissande continued to stare. 'You were discussing affairs of state with a bird.'
Reg snorted. 'Says the woman with a brother who probably starts the day by asking his butterflies what underpants he should wear!'
'Rupert?'The princess smiled.'Oh, you mustn't mind Rupert. He's quite harmless and very sweet once you get to know him.'
Gerald perched on the edge of the tinkling fountain, mindful of splashes. 'So… what do you think, Your Highness?'
'About what?' she asked around a mouthful of kumquat.
'About Gerald the secret weapon,' said Reg. 'Oy — you don't suppose that pretty brother of yours has got some bright idea about using him as leverage, do you?'
'You mean is he thinking literally a secret weapon? Spells of destruction at thirty paces followed by some hasty handiwork with a mop and bucket?' The princess swallowed and reached for another kumquat. 'No. Look, Lional talks big, he always has, but it never comes to anything.'
'Are you sure?' said Reg. 'I mean, he does know, doesn't he, he can't just point Gerald like a musket and shoot this Zazoor when he holds out his hand for the dosh? I mean, he does know that?'
'Of course he does,' snapped the princess.'Look, Professor, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. Lional knows perfectly well he doesn't have any choice but to pay Zazoor what's owed. I expect all he wants to do is show you off to the Kallarapi. Make the pill he's got to swallow a little less bitter. You may have a holy man but I've got a wizard, so nyah. Nothing dangerous. Just diplomacy'
He pulled a face. 'That doesn't sound terribly diplomatic to me. What if things get out of hand?'
'You won't let them.' She sighed.'Professor, I'm not a complete ignoramus. I do know that wizards are forbidden to use their magic to cause harm.'
Reg rattled her tail feathers. 'You might, ducky, but what about that brother of yours?'
'He knows too!' she insisted, exasperated.'You're not the first wizard we've had around here, remember?'
Now there was a point. And an idea. He narrowed his eyes. 'Exactly how many were in the job before me, Your Highness?'
The second kumquat eaten, she pretended to be interested in a banana. 'A few,' she muttered. 'Forgive me, but that's not very specific'
'You want specific? Fine. Five. All right? There were five court wizards before you.'
'F(Ve?' He slid off the fountain. 'The king's had five other wizards? I'm his sixth wizard?'
'Oh, don't you stand there looking surprised! You've met him!' 'I'm not surprised, Your Highness, I'm deceivedV
'I did not deceive you!' said the princess, shoving out of the chair. 'If you'd asked me in the interview how many wizards had been in the job already I'd've told you! You didn't ask!'
Perched on the edge of his abandoned porridge bowl, Reg snickered.'She's got you there, sunshine.'
Disgusted, Gerald considered Lional's angry sister. Then he sighed. 'Yes. She does. I apologise, Your Highness.That was uncalled for.' 'It certainly was.'
'But not unexpected,' added Reg. 'You knew perfectly well he'd never have taken the job if all your dirty linen had been hanging on the line in plain sight, madam.'
Princess Melissande sat again, slumping. 'What can I say? I was desperate.'
Gerald dropped once more to the edge of the fountain. 'I know the feeling.' He and the princess exchanged tentative, rueful smiles. 'So who were they, then? These predecessors of mine?' 'Why does it matter?'
He shrugged. 'It doesn't. I thought I might know one or two, that's all.' 'I doubt it.They were all years older than you.' 'Still…'
She rolled her eyes. 'Oh, for the love of Saint Snodgrass. As if I didn't have anything better to do than go staggering down memory lane…' Then she sighed. 'All right. Give me a moment.'
As she chewed her lip, he triggered a recording incant under cover of scratching his nose then dabbled his fingers in the fountain's water, waiting.
'Well,' she said at last,'net in chronological order, there was Humphret Bottomley, the prat.'
In the air above and behind her the name Humphret Bottomley appeared in glowing silver letters. It hung there unmoving, like liquid smoke. 'That's an old-fashioned Ottosland name,' he murmured. 'Who else?'
She screwed up her face. 'Pomodoro Uffitzi. Aloysius Beargarden. Er — er — oh, yes! Grumbaugh. Lord, how could I forget him? Barked in monosyllables and spent most of his time locked up in what's now your workroom, making smelly smoke. And Bondaningo Greenfeather.' Her face softened into a smile. 'Terribly sinister- looking with all those tattoos and facial piercings but actually very nice. And that's all of them. Satisfied now? Say yes.'
With another deceptive nose scratch Gerald closed down the recording incant with its five silver smoke names and stored it in a nearby pot plant. He'd retrieve it later and run the names past Monk at the first opportunity. Get him to find their whereabouts and how they could be contacted. Seeing as how he was going to be stuck here in New Ottosland for a while it seemed only prudent to do some belated homework on his charming pillock of an employer.
'Yes. Thank you, Your Highness,' he said. 'Your patience is most appreciated. Doubtless you didn't come here to — ' He sat up. 'Good lord. I'm so sorry. Why did you come here?'
CHAPTER ELEVEN
'To get you all primed to spy on her brother, I'll bet,' said Reg.
Princess Melissande gave her a haughty look. 'Must you retiuce everything to the crudest possible motive?' Reg smirked. 'Told you, sunshine.'
'Then perhaps you'd like to tell me what else I'm supposed to do?' the princess demanded.'Since you're
