exclusive access to the gods is a man in a unique position. But what if the gods have been telling him something he doesn't want to hear? What if they want to change a few things and this holy man prefers things to stay the same? Prefers it so strongly that he ignores the gods' wishes? Might the gods then not choose another way of communicating their desires?' Prince Nerim goggled.'I am confused…'
Lional sighed and rolled his eyes. 'Of course you are. You know, I must introduce you to mine brother Rupert. The two of you would get along splendidly'
With a withering look Shugat shouldered Nerim aside. 'You say you now speak for Kallarap's gods?'
The king spread his elegant hands wide. 'I'm not saying anything, old chap. I just draw your attention to this lion and this bird, the very embodiments of Lalchak and Vorsluk, newly come to my court as you arrive to press your dubious claims upon me.'
'And what of Grimthak the Dragon?' Shugat rasped. 'First among the gods. Where is he?'
'I'm sure I've no idea,' said Lional. 'I don't presume to tell a god where and when he should present himself for inspection. Perhaps you do. If so I must say you're a braver man than I.'
Shugat rammed his staff into the floor so hard that smoke puffed out of the carpet. When the ringing echoes of the latest thunder clap had finally died he shouted, 'The Holy Ones do not dwell in New Ottosland! They are the gods of Kallarap!'
Lional picked some lint from his knee. 'I see. So what you're saying, and do correct me if I'm wrong, is that you are in a position to dictate to three gods where and upon whom they bestow their favour? Is that what you're saying, Shugat old chap?'
Shugat's mouth worked soundlessly for a moment, spittle flecking his lips. Then he raised his staff overhead and shouted, 'The gods strike you dead, King! The gods smoke your bones and boil your eyeballs in their sockets!'
Silence. After a moment, Lional raised his eyebrows. 'Oh dear. It appears the gods aren't listening, Shugat. At least not to you.'
Reg leaned close. 'Now do you agree we should've got while the going was good, sunshine?'
Gerald nodded, feeling sick. For once I don't care if she does say 'I told you so'. I deserve it. Oh lord, what a mess.
Prince Nerim was staring at his brother's holy man, the first cracks of doubt showing in his armour of belief. Shugat brandished his staff some more. A short sharp wind swirled around the audience chamber, rattling the chandeliers. 'Blood of the Sultan, you will not heed him. He is a trickster!' he shouted at Nerim. 'A defaulter of debts! Oath-breaker1'. I am the holy man! I speak to the gods!'
'Well, Nerim, as / understand it,' said Lional into the fraught silence, 'what Shugat actually does is converse with a lump of carved wood that's supposed to represent the gods, more or less, in a rough, pre-modern impressionistic kind of way' His hand drifted to Tavistock's head and rested there, suggestively. 'I have to say / prefer a more — direct — method of communication.'
Shugat's face suffused with blood. 'These beasts are not our gods!'
'I never said they were!' Lional protested, wounded innocence incarnate. 'What they are, I believe, are the gods' emissaries. Sent here by the gods themselves to make their wishes known.'
Gerald bit his tongue so hard he tasted blood. His shoulder stung where Reg's claws had pierced his robe, clutching him in shock. She was burbling hysterically under her breath. 'He's mad, lie's mad, he's totally bonkers.. '.
Shugat scowled, squinting at Reg. 'This bird looks not like Vorsluk. It looks not like any bird I have ever seen.'
'I'm sure I wouldn't know,' said Lional. 'Not being an expert on birds. But I must say it seems very comfortable, doesn't it, sitting on my wizard's shoulder? You'd think they were old friends.'
Shugat surged forward and pointed his staff. 'You there. Wizard. You claim friendship of Kallarap's gods?'
Oh shit. He stared at Lional. Lional stared back. He was smiling with his lips but his eyes were terrible. 'Now, now, Professor. There's no need to be shy,' he said, so eminently reasonable, so deceptively sane. 'Answer the holy man, there's a good fellow. Truthfully, of course. Gods are very particular about truth, I believe. And certainly / don't want you to lie. So. Are you and the bird friends?'
He had no choice. No choice unless he wanted to start a war right here, right now. Damn damn damn… 'Yes,' he croaked. 'We're friends.'
Lional jumped to his feet, arms wide. 'And there you have it! Now, Nerim, Shugat, I expect you're wondering what this means. Well, what it means is this. The gods desire New Ottosland and Kallarap to forgive all debts and grievances and henceforth live together as loving brothers!'
Stony faced, Shugat looked from Lional to Tavistock to Gerald to Reg. 'This is what you say the gods mean. / say they mean for you to pay us all the money you owe and cease your unholy oath-breaking on pain of death!'
'Oh,' said Lional, disappointed. 'Well. In that case it would seem we've reached what's known as an impasse.' He clapped his hands. 7 know. How about this?' He gazed at the frescoed ceiling. 'Gods of Kallarap hear my plea! If I have wronged you and sinned in your sight, show me your displeasure! Strike dead this bird and this lion in a demonstration of your holy wrath!' Nothing happened.
Very slowly Nerim turned to the silent holy man. 'Shugat? He has spoken to our gods and our gods have answered him. Yet they did not answer you. How can this be?'
'It is a trick,' said Shugat. His voice trembled. 'This man is an unbeliever, O Prince. He is not of the Blood or the faith. He cannot have the favour of the Three.'
'I do not understand,' Nerim whispered. Shatteringly close to tears he retreated, leaving Shugat stranded on the crimson carpet with only his staff for support. Then he looked up at Lional. 'Mine brother the sultan, may he live forever, will want — I must explain — ' He turned again to Shugat. 'Give me your wisdom, holy man! Tell me what to do!'
Still and silent as stone, Shugat leaned upon his staff like one entranced, blindly staring at the floor.
With a light-hearted leap, Lional bounded from the dais to rest a hand on Nerim's sagging shoulder. 'I have an idea. Why don't you ask the gods what you should do? I mean, no offence to Shugat, old chap, but everybody knows what happens when you rely on middlemen and start passing messages along. Bits get misheard, or left out or… reinterpreted… and before you know it, what started as 'Let's all be friends' becomes 'Cut off the infidels' heads' and I don't know about you, Nerim, but / think that's taking paraphrasing just a little too far.'
Frightened, Nerim stared at him. 'But the gods never speak to us directly. Only through Shugat, our most revered holy man.'
'Things change, Nerim,' said Lional, shrugging. 'And we can change with them or we can be left in the dust. I'll bet there are simply dozens of things you've always wanted to ask the great Vorsluk. Now here's your chance. Ask away'.'
As Nerim dithered, Reg again pressed her beak to Gerald's ear. 'Do something. Stop him before this gets right out of hand!'
HouP. he wanted to shout. How do you stop a runaway tram? He'd halt time if he could, turn it backwards, undo the damage he'd unwittingly caused, but magic didn't work like that. Or if it did, he didn't know how. Where's Monk Markham when I need him?
Unmasking Lional was out of the question. Shugat would likely slaughter the king on the spot… a scandal that would make Stuttley's look like a rained-out garden party. But he had to do something. Put on the brakes…?
'Ah… Your Majesty?' he said. 'Are you quite sure we're worthy of speaking directly to the gods? Perhaps we should all spend a night in prayer and fasting first. The last thing we want to do is offend them with — with — uncleanliness.'
The look Lional gave him was lethal. 'I hope you're not suggesting the Blood of the Sultan is unworthy, Professor. Or unclean. That might be construed as a grave insult. Prince Nerim might feel compelled to return to Zazoor with a poor report of our meeting. He might even go so far as to beseech the gods to strike us down in retribution!' He turned to Nerim. 'Pay no attention, old chap. My wizard is merely concerned — needlessly, I might add — for your safety. Please.Vorsluk's emissary is waiting.' ' Silence, oath-breaker]'
Nerim took one look at Shugat and his upraised staff and shrieked, then flung himself face-down on the
