Unexpected, for example, was Allison’s unswerving resolve to best her senior brothers in every contest, substituting determination and strategy for any lack of physical strength. Unexpected too was the barrier she erected around herself, especially over these past years, using words as lances and reason as armor, cloaking herself in a mantle of humor and intellect and wit.
As Allison grew older, although remaining as prickly as a roll of barbed wire, she had increasingly come to resemble her mother. I saw it not only in her appearance, but also in her gestures, the tilt of her head, her flashes of impatience followed by equally abrupt reversals, her quick intelligence, and a hundred other things. And as she’d grown older, although part of me had taken pride in her stubborn core of self-reliance, another part had hoped she would someday soften. It had never happened. Until now.
I felt my heart swelling with sadness as I gazed into Allison’s eyes, eyes brimming with confusion and doubt, her spirit sullied by a tragedy I was powerless to erase. “For better or worse, you’re a Kane,” I repeated. “And a lot tougher than you think.”
Allison looked away. “So now are you going to tell me everything is going to be all right, like in the movies?”
Actually, that’s exactly what I wanted to do. More than anything I wanted to wipe away her tears and hold her close and tell her everything would be all right. Unfortunately, I knew that wouldn’t work, because it wasn’t true. Some things will never be all right. “No, I’m not going to tell you that,” I said. “I only know that there’s no shame in what happened to you. You’re no coward. Everyone has a breaking point, and you’re no less of a person for what that scum did to you. If anyone should be ashamed, it’s me for not seeing what you were going through. I’m sorry, Ali. You, too, Nate. I’m truly sorry.”
“Do you have to tell Mom?” asked Allison.
“Of course I have to tell her,” I answered.
“When?”
I hesitated, realizing what Ali was getting at. “Well, I suppose there’s no point in ruining her trip with this, but when she gets back-”
“Please, Dad,” begged Allison. “Does she have to know? I mean… how will I ever explain keeping this from her?”
“You’ll find a way. This won’t get fixed in a day. But telling me was a start, and bringing in your mom is absolutely the next step. And whatever she wants us to do-be it sending you to a counselor, talking to a priest, whatever-that’s what we’ll do. That goes for you as well, Nate. But first she has to know. Agreed?”
“Will you let us tell her?”
“Ali, this is-”
“Please, Dad?”
“Provided you do it as soon as she gets back,” I conceded reluctantly.
“Promise?”
“Allison, don’t you think your promises have already caused enough hurt?”
“Please, Dad.”
After another hesitation, I nodded. “All right. You have my word. But do it the minute she returns.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
I ran my fingers through my hair, knowing there was more to say but not certain how to proceed. Struggling for words, I recalled my discussion with Travis in the music annex. Although again feeling inadequate, I pushed on nevertheless. “Despite the mistake you two made by not being truthful about what happened and coming to your family for help, I think you’re the finest children a father could ever want,” I said. “Maybe I don’t act like it sometimes, but I’m more proud of you than I can say. It kills me to see you doubting yourselves like this.”
When neither of them responded, I continued. “Unfortunately, at some point or another, along with all the good things in life, bad things are going to happen, too. Terrible things are going to happen to me, and to you, and to everyone on the face of the planet before we all eventually get planted in the ground. That’s the way life is.”
“Gee, I feel better already,” sniffed Allison.
“I don’t want to sound overly pessimistic,” I said, trying to soften things. “I suppose there’s a chance that someone could lead a charmed life and then die peacefully in their sleep like your mom’s granddad… and not like the five screaming people with him in the car he was driving.”
Allison and Nate both smiled fleetingly at my attempt to lighten the mood.
“But here’s what I’m getting at,” I went on more seriously. Years back my dad told me something that’s seen me through more than a few tough times. He said that to make it through the rough spots in life-along with relying on family and those who love you-you have to know who you are. When things go bad, really bad, just remember who you are… and hold to it.”
“You mean like looking at a picture of yourself?” asked Nate.
“Sort of. Only it’s one you keep inside-an image of yourself that nothing and no one can take from you. Do you understand?”
“I… I think so.”
“Ali?”
“I know what you’re saying,” Allison answered somberly. “I just don’t happen to like my picture any more. Can we go now? I’m getting cold.”
“In a minute,” I said, realizing that I hadn’t reached them-at least not Allison. “There’s one more thing I want to discuss before we head home. It’s about your mom and me.”
Both children regarded me in surprise.
“I’m sure you know that Kate and I have been having difficulties. Even though we love each other, when two people have been together as long as your mom and I, sometimes problems arise.”
“Could the problem that’s been arising possibly have your name on it?” asked Allison.
“More than possibly.”
“Are you and Mom getting divorced?” asked Nate.
“You asked me that a couple weeks ago, kid.”
“Are you?”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen,” I sighed, for the first time admitting to myself that things between Catheryn and me might have gone too far. “I’m hoping we can straighten things out, but-”
“If you try, you can always straighten things out,” said Nate. “Right, Ali?”
“Absolutely,” affirmed Allison.
“I’ve always believed that, too,” I said, feeling a tightening in my throat. “And I still do. But whatever happens between Kate and me, I’m still your father. I know I’ve made mistakes, a lot of them, and I know that recently I’ve been a disappointment to the whole family. And for that I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry. But if it’s not too late, and if you’ll let me, I want to start over. I’m asking you to give me another chance. Will you?”
The children, who had rarely heard me apologize for anything, especially to them, nodded somberly.
“Good,” I said. “Then I’ll make you a promise. In the future I’ll do my level best to never let you down again. Whatever happens, if you need me, I’ll be there.”
Silently, Nate slipped into my arms. An instant later Allison joined him. I held them tightly, shamed by the realization that somehow, while I’d been consumed by my own grief, the fabric of my family had nearly come unraveled… and would take more than words to mend.
29
Prunes, huh?’ the guy says to his elderly friend. ‘ That’s your cure for constipation?’” Deluca paused, as usual enjoying his own joke to a degree unwarranted by the material.
Concentrating on threading through Tuesday-morning freeway traffic, I edged into the right lane and took the Van Nuys Boulevard off-ramp, emerging on the surface street from beneath a concrete overpass.
“So the old guy nods,” Deluca continued. “‘Works for me,’ he says. ‘Since I started eating them, I’ve been regular as clockwork. Every morning at five.’ ‘Five AM?’ says his buddy. ‘Jeez, what time do you get up?’ The old
