The Drowning

The wind had started to gust as he walked across the dock towards Badholmen. He knew that he was cold because his body was shivering, but he didn’t feel the chill. The place was deserted. It was dark and quiet, with not a person in sight. But he could feel her presence, just as he always had. His guilt had to be settled here. It was the only possible place. From the top of the diving tower he had seen her in the water, seen her stretch out her hands towards him. Now he would go to her.

When he passed the wooden buildings that marked the entrance to the swimming area, the film inside his head began speeding up. The onslaught of images felt like a knife slicing into his gut – so strong and sharp was the pain. He forced himself to look past it, to look forward.

He set one foot on the first step of the tower, and the wood gave under his shoe. Now he was breathing easier; there was no going back. He looked up as he climbed. The snow made the steps slippery, and he held on to the railing as he fixed his gaze on the top, which loomed against the black of the sky. No stars. He didn’t deserve stars. Halfway up he knew that she was behind him. He didn’t turn around to look back, but he heard her footsteps following his. The same rhythm, the same resilient step. She was here now.

When he reached the platform at the top, he stuck his hand in his pocket and took out the rope that he’d brought from home. The rope that would bear the weight and pay for the blame. She waited on the stairs as he arranged everything. Tying and knotting the rope, fastening it to the railing. For a moment he felt uncertain. The tower was rickety and old and seemed terribly weather-beaten. What if it didn’t hold? But her presence reassured him. She wouldn’t allow him to fail. Not after she had waited so long, nourishing her hatred for so many years.

When he was done, he stood with his back to the stairs and his eyes fixed on the outline of Fjallbacka across the water. Not until he heard her step right behind him did he turn around.

There was no joy in her eyes. Only the knowledge that he finally, after all that had happened, was prepared to atone for his crime. She was just as beautiful as he remembered her. Her hair was wet, and he was surprised that it wasn’t frosty from the cold. But nothing about her was as expected. Nothing about a mermaid could ever be as expected.

The last thing he saw before he stepped out towards the sea was a blue dress fluttering in the summer wind.

‘How are you feeling?’ asked Erica when Patrik came downstairs, his hair tousled from sleep.

‘Just a little tired, that’s all,’ said Patrik, but his face was pale.

‘Are you sure? You don’t look well.’

‘Thanks a lot. Paula said the same thing. I wish you girls would stop telling me how awful I look. It’s starting to get to me.’ He smiled, but he still didn’t look like he was fully awake. He bent down to pick up Maja, who came running towards him.

‘Hi, sweetie. You think Pappa looks good, don’t you? Isn’t Pappa the most handsome guy in the world?’ He tickled her tummy, making her giggle.

‘Hmm,’ she said, nodding sagely.

‘Thank goodness. Finally somebody with good taste.’ He turned to Erica and kissed her on the mouth. Maja grabbed his face and pursed her lips, as a sign that she wanted a kiss too.

‘Sit down and snuggle with her while I make us some tea and sandwiches,’ said Erica, heading for the kitchen. ‘By the way, Paula left some things in a sack for you,’ she called, trying to sound as casual as possible. ‘It’s in the front hall.’

‘Thanks!’ Patrik called in reply, and then she heard him get up and come into the kitchen.

‘Do you have to work tonight?’ she asked, looking at him out of the corner of her eye as she poured boiling water into two mugs with teabags.

‘No, I think I’ll take it easy tonight and spend some time with my sweet wife, then go to bed early. I’m staying home tomorrow morning to go through the whole case in peace and quiet. Sometimes it’s a real circus down at the station.’

He sighed and came over to stand behind Erica, putting his arms around her.

‘I can’t even get my arms all the way around you any more,’ he murmured, burrowing his face into the back of her neck.

‘I know. I feel like I’m about to burst.’

‘Are you worried?’

‘I’d be lying if I said no.’

‘We’ll help each other,’ he said, hugging her even harder.

‘I know. And Anna says the same thing. I think it’ll go better this time around, since I know what to expect. But there will be two of them.’

‘Twice the joy,’ said Patrik, smiling.

‘Twice the work,’ said Erica, turning around so she could hug him from the front. Which wasn’t exactly easy at this point.

Erica closed her eyes and pressed her cheek against Patrik’s. She’d been wondering when would be the best time to tell him about her trip to Goteborg, and she’d decided it had to be tonight. But Patrik looked so tired, and since he was planning to work at home tomorrow morning, she could wait until then. Besides, then she’d be able to do what she had in mind after listening to the cassette tape. So it was decided. If she managed to find out anything important for the investigation, Patrik was bound to be less upset that she’d interfered.

19

It didn’t really bother him so much not to have any friends. Because he had books. But the older he got, the more he yearned for what he saw everyone else had. A sense of community, of belonging, of being part of a group. He was always alone. The only person who wanted to be with him was Alice.

Sometimes they used to chase him home from the school bus. Erik, Kenneth, and Magnus. They would roar with laughter as they raced after him, moving slower than they were actually capable of running. The only purpose was to make him run.

‘Hey, fatso, get moving!’

And he ran, even though he despised himself for complying. In his heart he kept wishing for a miracle, that one day they would simply stop, that they would see him and understand that he was somebody. But he knew this was only a dream. No one saw him. Alice didn’t count. She was a retard. That was what the boys called her, especially Erik. He used to roll the word around on his tongue whenever he saw her. ‘Reeetard…’

Alice was often waiting for him when the bus stopped. He hated it when she did that. She looked perfectly normal as she stood inside the bus shelter with her long dark hair tied back in a ponytail, her cheerful blue eyes eagerly looking for him as the kids from the high school in Tanumshede got off the bus. Sometimes he actually felt a bit proud when the bus pulled up at the stop and he saw her through the window. That long-legged, dark-haired beauty was his sister.

But then came the moment when he stepped out of the bus and she saw him. She would come towards him with that awkward gait of hers, as if she had invisible strings attached to her arms and legs that someone was randomly tugging on. Then she would call his name in her thick voice, and the boys would howl with laughter. ‘Reeetard!’

Alice didn’t understand, and that was actually what embarrassed him most. She merely smiled happily, and sometimes she even waved to them. Then he would take off running, not because anyone was chasing him but in order to escape from Erik’s bellowing taunts that echoed all over town. But he could never escape from Alice. She always thought it was a game. She would easily catch up with him, and sometimes, laughing, she would throw her arms around his neck with such force that he almost fell over.

At those moments he hated her just as much as when she had cried non-stop and taken Mother away from him. He wanted to punch her in the face so she would stop embarrassing him. He would never get to be part of the group as long as Alice stood there in the bus shelter waiting for him, calling his name and throwing