fast, and the years also seemed to be passing with frightening speed. Belinda had already turned sixteen and was practically an adult. Malin at ten and Lisen at seven were growing so fast that sometimes it felt as though he couldn’t keep up.
Three years after the divorce the guilt still sat like a block of stone on his chest. If he hadn’t made that fateful mistake he might not be standing here picking up the girls’ clothes and toys in a house that echoed with emptiness. Maybe it had also been a mistake to keep living in the Falkeliden house. Pernilla had moved to Munkedal to be close to her family. But he hadn’t wanted the girls to lose the home they remembered. So he worked, saved, and scrimped so that the girls could feel at home every other weekend when they came to visit. But soon it would no longer be possible. The cost of paying for the house was crushing him. Before six months were over he’d be forced to make a decision. He sat down heavily on Malin’s bed and rested his head in his hands.
The ringing of the telephone roused him from his brooding. He reached for the phone by Malin’s bed.
‘Dan here.
‘Oh, hello, Erica.
‘I’m feeling a bit down. The girls left last night.
‘Yes, I know, and they’ll be back soon. It just feels like a long time in between. So, what’s on your mind?’
He listened intently. The worried furrow that marred his brow even before he answered the phone grew deeper.
‘Are things that bad? If there’s anything I can do, just say the word.’
He listened again as Erica spoke.
‘Well, I could certainly do that. Absolutely. If you think it’ll help.’ Another pause. ‘Okay, I’ll be right over.’
Dan hung up and sat there a moment, deep in thought. He didn’t know if he could really be of any help, but since it was Erica who had asked him, he wouldn’t hesitate to try. Once long ago they had been a couple, but in the years since then they had become close friends. She had helped him when he was getting divorced from Pernilla, and he would do anything for her. Patrik had also become a close friend, and Dan was a frequent guest at their home.
He put on his coat and backed the car out of the driveway. It took him only a few minutes to reach Erica’s house.
She opened the door at the first knock. ‘Hi, come on in,’ she said, giving him a hug.
‘Hi, where’s Maja?’ He looked about eagerly for the little girl who was swiftly becoming his favourite baby. He wanted to think that Maja was fond of him as well.
‘She’s asleep. Sorry.’ Erica laughed. She knew that her charming daughter had far outpaced her when it came to winning Dan’s affection.
‘Well, I suppose I’ll have to try and get along without her, but I’ll miss snuffling her sweet little neck.’
‘Don’t worry, she’ll wake up in a minute. Why don’t you come in? Anna is upstairs sleeping.’ Erica pointed to the ceiling.
‘Do you think this is a good idea?’ said Dan with concern. ‘Maybe she doesn’t feel like it. Maybe she’ll even get mad.’
‘Don’t tell me that a big strong guy like you gets weak at the knees at the mere threat of a woman’s anger,’ Erica teased him, looking up at Dan, who made an imposing sight. ‘And just because I said it once, I don’t want to hear any more about how Maria thought you looked like Dolph Lundgren. Considering how inaccurate she is about most things, I wouldn’t quote her voluntarily if I were you.’
‘But I do look a lot like him, don’t I?’ Dan struck a pose but then laughed. ‘No, you’re probably right. And my hunk days are definitely over. I just had to get it out of my system.’
‘Yeah, both Patrik and I look forward to the day when you find a girlfriend we can actually have a conversation with.’
‘You mean, in view of the high intellectual tone in this house? How’s it going with
‘Ha ha ha. Point taken.’ Erica punched him in the arm. ‘Now go on upstairs and make yourself useful.’
‘Are you sure that Patrik knows what he’s getting himself into? I think I’ll have a few words with him about how smart it is for him to walk down the aisle with you.’ Dan was already halfway up the stairs.
‘Fantastic idea. Now get on up there!’
Dan’s laugh stuck in his throat as he ascended the last couple of steps. He had scarcely seen Anna during the time she and the kids had been staying with Erica and Patrik. Like everyone else in Sweden he had followed the story of the tragedy in the newspapers, but every time he visited Erica, Anna had stayed out of sight. From what Erica told him, she spent most of her time in the bedroom.
He knocked cautiously on the door. No answer. He knocked again.
‘Anna? Hello? It’s Dan. May I come in?’ Still no answer. He stood there bewildered. He didn’t feel entirely comfortable with the situation, but he’d promised Erica to try and help, so now he had to make the best of it. He took a deep breath and pushed open the door. Anna lay on the bed; he saw that she was awake. She was staring blankly at the ceiling with her hands clasped over her stomach. She didn’t even glance in his direction when he came in.
He sat down on the edge of the bed. Still no reaction.
‘How are things? How are you feeling?’
‘How does it look like I’m feeling?’ said Anna without taking her eyes from the ceiling.
‘Erica’s worried about you.’
‘Erica is always worried about me.’
Dan smiled. ‘You have a point there. She’s a bit of a mother hen, isn’t she?’
‘That’s for sure,’ said Anna, turning her gaze to Dan.
‘But she means well. And she’s probably more worried than usual just now.’
‘Yeah, I get it.’ Anna sighed. A long, deep sigh that seemed to release much more than air from her body. ‘I just don’t know how to snap out of this. It’s as if all my energy is gone. And I don’t feel a thing. Absolutely nothing. I’m not remorseful, and I’m not happy. I feel nothing at all.’
‘Have you talked to anyone about it?’
‘A psychologist or somebody like that, you mean? Erica keeps nagging me about that. But I can’t get myself together to do it. I can’t picture myself sitting there and talking to a complete stranger. About Lucas. About myself. I just can’t face it.’
‘Would you…’ Dan hesitated, squirming as he sat there on the bed. ‘Could you picture yourself talking to me? We don’t know each other that well, but at least I’m not a total stranger.’ He paused and waited tensely for her reply. He hoped that she would say yes. Suddenly he felt a great protective instinct when he saw her body that was much too thin and the haunted expression in her eyes. She was so much like Erica, yet not the same. A more frightened and fragile version of Erica.
‘I… I don’t know,’ she said. ‘I don’t know what to say. Where to begin.’
‘We could start by going for a walk. And if you want to talk, then we’ll talk. If you don’t want to, then… we’ll just walk for a while. How does that sound?’ He could hear how anxious he sounded.
Anna sat up carefully. She sat with her back to him for a moment, then got up from the bed. ‘Okay, let’s go for a walk. But just a walk.’
‘Okay,’ said Dan and nodded. He led the way down the stairs and cast a look into the kitchen where he heard Erica clattering about. ‘We’re going out for a walk,’ he called to her, and from the corner of his eye he could see Erica trying to pretend it was no big deal.
‘It’s cold out, so you’d better put on a jacket,’ he said to Anna, who took his advice and slipped on a beige duffel coat, wrapping a big white scarf round her neck.
‘Are you ready?’ he asked, aware of the multiple meanings in that question.
‘Yes, I think so,’ said Anna quietly, and she followed him out into the spring sunshine.
‘So, do you think anyone ever gets used to it?’ asked Martin in the car on the way to Fjallbacka.
‘No,’ Patrik said. ‘At least I hope not. Otherwise it’d be time to switch professions.’ He took the curve at Langsjo much too fast, and Martin clutched the handle above the window as usual. He made a mental note to
