But, it wasn’t my wealth, or my life. I was little more than a doll, a pretty thing to be dressed in gowns and decorate my father’s court. I was never allowed to make a single decision. I lived in a palace where court dinners were held, with meals literally fit for a king, and all I’d be given to eat would be a meager salad. I wasn’t allowed to taste dessert because my wedding gown had been designed before I was even conceived, and it was important that my waist be slender enough that I might get mistaken for a wasp. I never wore shackles, but I was a prisoner all the same.”
Aurora nodded. “So you decided to run away.”
“I wish I could say my actions were that deliberate. My education, such as it was, didn’t teach me much about making good choices. When my wedding day finally came, I could barely think. I felt like a caged rat; my mind was darting all over the place, looking for any escape, but I found nothing.”
“You must have really hated the young Lord Tower.”
Infidel made a gagging noise. “Hated doesn’t begin to cover it. He’s such a sanctimonious idiot; he can’t fart without running to the nearest priest to offer repentance. He believes every lie the church has ever crafted. You wouldn’t believe his awkward, ritualistic attempts to court me. I could tell he really had no choice in this matter either. If he’d been a little rebellious about it, who knows? Maybe I might have liked him. I mean, he was good- looking, and he was always winning jousting tournaments, so he wasn’t without a certain physical charm. But, his attempts to write love poems were cringe inducing. They sounded like sermons! ‘Praise the creator who this day has blessed me with the bounty of your chaste lips, blah blah bluhhh.’” She stuck out her tongue. “We never even held hands.”
Somehow, my ghost heart felt lighter to learn this. Since hearing she’d been engaged to Lord Tower, I’d assumed that she must have loved him once. I was jealous, though, obviously, there was no rational basis for this. I found myself annoyed that she was spilling her guts so freely to Aurora. I’d been her closest companion for ages. Why had she never shared this with me? Worse, why had I never had the courage to ask?
Infidel continued her story, “Anyway, it was my wedding day. There’s this ten minute ritual before the ceremony where the bride goes to the inner sanctum to pray in private; there’s not even a priest present. The inner sanctum was where they kept the casket of dragon blood. The second the priest closed the door, my eyes fixed on it. It was locked, but it was also a thousand freakin’ years old. I had it cracked open in about thirty seconds. And, like I said, when the high priest came back into the sanctuary, I was coated in the stuff. I’d gobbled it down like it was all the ice cream and cake that I’d been denied since I was a toddler.”
Aurora chuckled softly. “You must have been a sight in your bloodied gown.”
“To this day, I still don’t like wearing green,” said Infidel, with a small shudder. “I get bad flashbacks of looking down at the green coating my arms. The priest stared at me for about half a minute, just dumbfounded, then clenched his fists and came at me, shouting, ‘What have you done? What have you done?’ Even though I’d never hit anyone in my life, I gave him a backhanded slap to shut him up. And… um… and… and his face sort of caved in. After that, I kind of… I kind of snapped. I launched out of the inner sanctum and tore through anyone in my way. I jumped out a stained glass window and kept running. I killed… I killed a lot of people on my way out of town. There might have been a puppy that got squished as well. I… my memory’s fuzzy, and I don’t like to think about it anyway. I was completely drunk on the blood. It’s one reason I seldom drink now. I don’t like feeling out- of-control. Anyway, long story short, I wandered around the islands for a couple of years getting my head straight before winding up in Commonground. It’s been a while since any of the church’s assassins came after me, but I’m guessing I’m still public enemy number one.”
“Which makes it strange that you want to sign on to the king’s dragon hunt,” said Aurora. “Won’t Tower recognize you?”
Infidel shrugged. “Who knows? I was just a girl back then. I have boobs now.” She ran her hands along her ruined hair. “And, you know, a different haircut.”
“Father Ver is with him,” said Aurora.
Infidel pressed her lips together tightly. If I’d still had arms, I would have hugged her to console her. I knew what she was thinking. A few extra curves and a dragon-induced haircut weren’t going to fool the church’s best Truthspeaker. I had personal experience with Father Ver’s powers. Infidel was screwed.
“Why do you want to go on this quest anyway?” asked Aurora. “It can’t be the treasure. You’ve never been obsessed with money.”
Infidel drew her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on her arms as she stared out over the dark bay. Boat lanterns twinkled like stars across the water.
“Maybe I’m tired,” she whispered.
“Maybe?”
“Screw it,” she said, raising her chin. “I am tired. I mean, I’ve had fun. Stagger led me on some wild adventures. I’ve had experiences I couldn’t even imagine when I was fifteen. My life hasn’t been boring. But…” Her voice trailed off as she shook her head.
“But?”
“But maybe I’d like boring.” She took a deep, weary breath. “Maybe I’d enjoy sleeping in a real bed at night, and wearing clean clothes every day. Maybe I’d like to walk down a street where I’m not looking over my shoulder wondering who’s about to jump me with a shadow blade. Maybe I’d like to meet a stranger and not instantly start thinking about how I’m going to kill him if things turn ugly. Maybe thirty-year-old Infidel doesn’t want to live her life trapped by choices made by fifteen-year-old Innocent.”
Her eyes were narrowed as she spoke. She sounded so angry. I’d never suspected. What kind of friend had I been that I’d missed this?
She finally relaxed, and said, softly, “The closest I ever came to feeling normal was when I hung out with Stagger. This is… this is crazy. But I used to imagine me and him getting out of here, finding some little village where no one knew who the hell we were, and settling down. Maybe find a little peace and quiet and normal.”
I’d dreamed that too. Why hadn’t I told her?
“Why didn’t you tell him?” asked Aurora.
“We… we…” She cradled her head in her hands. Her voice cracked as she said, “There are things that are wrong with me.”
“Stagger was wild about you. You have a crazy streak, sure, but anyone could see that he loved you.”
Infidel closed her eyes and clenched her fists. She looked as sad as when she’d sat at my grave. She was silent for a long time. Finally, she relaxed her hands, and sniffed. She whispered, “Normal couples can… they can do stuff. Intimate stuff. And I wanted that. I wanted that so badly.”
I wanted that! I wanted that so much it hurt. Why didn’t I have the courage to tell her? If I’d still had lungs, I would have cursed the sky for my cowardice.
“I’m guessing Stagger would have been okay with, um, intimacy,” said Aurora, with what might have been a grin, though her tusks made it hard to tell.
Infidel shuddered. “My strength makes touching things tricky. I try to slap a man, and I smash his face in. It took me years to learn to pick up a glass without breaking it. I’m more dangerous than people know.”
“You seem to have it under control.”
“I could have held his hand without crushing it, sure. Maybe even kissed him without breaking his teeth. But… but all my muscles are supernaturally powerful. Even ones… even ones I don’t always have full control over.”
“Oh,” said Aurora. Then, she said, “Ooooh,” in a way that made it clear she understood what Infidel was getting at.
Suddenly, I understood as well. Ordinary coupling could have left me maimed and mangled, if not outright dead.
“So…” said Aurora. “You’re a thirty-year-old virgin.”
Infidel shrugged. “I’ll die one, I guess. I’m never going to know anything like love. But, at least when I hung out with Stagger, I felt… I felt happy.”
I’d been happy too. And, even with my fantasies of shared sexual bliss crushed by Infidel’s physical realities, I still would gladly have gone with her to that quiet little village and lived out my days beside her. I’d loved her without even so much as a kiss for years. I could have accepted anything to make her happy.
“And now you’re unhappy,” said Aurora. “So what? The plan is to go get yourself killed by
