'I have a better sense of what they feel,' Becker continued. 'Most people don't allow themselves to make the empathic jump. They think that people like Johnny are monsters.'
Becker paused and Kom continued to nod encourage ment. Becker glanced at him, then away again.
'What they do is monstrous,' Becker said. 'But the people who do these things, they're people. They aren't werewolves, they aren't beasts that live in the woods and come into the village to feed. They're people who most of the time are normal enough, they have normal concernshow to pay the rent, how to get ahead at work, whether to buy a new car or go one more year with the old one. Many of them have families, wives, children, girlfriends. They have their own reasons for the crimes they commit, they aren't reasons others might understand, but they make an internal logic for the killers.'
'I guess I never thought of it that way, but of course, they have to live in a community, they can't have horns showing on their head.'
'Successful serial killers are not madmen in the normal sense, although their actions during the killings may or may not be insane. Remember, they get away with it. Sometimes for a long, long time. Sometimes forever. We don't catch them all. We don't even know about them all.
They're clever, they have to be. We found out about Johnny just because of a fluke.'
'What do you mean, their actions during the killings may or may not be insane?' Kom asked. 'Wouldn't you have to be crazy to kill people like that? Again and again?'
Becker looked directly at Kom. 'No, Stanley. You'd just have to like it. '
Kom shivered elaborately. 'Sounds crazy to me.'
Becker turned away and grasped his chopsticks again. 'Maybe you haven't thought about it enough. Or maybe you've just been lucky where life has placed you.' Becker resumed eating and they sat in silence for a moment.
'You've-you've killed some of them, haven't you?… I'm sorry, John, that's rude. That's personal…'
Becker smiled ruefully. 'I'm told by a variety of therapists that it's good for me to talk about it. Don't worry Stanley, you'd be abnormal if you didn't mention it eventually… Yes, I've killed some of them.'
Kom nodded, provisionally.
'Is there more to the question?' Becker asked.
'Well… no. Not really.'
'How did it feel?'
'No, John, really. I'm acting like a voyeur or something. This is a painful subject for you. I apologize.'
Becker paused, then sighed audibly. 'I understand them, Stanley.'
After a silence Kom said, 'Thank you for telling me that, John. I know it wasn't easy. I think… I think I should tell you something.'
'It's not a trade-off,' Becker said.
'No, no, you should know it. We're going to be friends and you should know… Tovah… First, we both had a great time with you and Karen at dinner the other day.'
'We did too.'
'Did you really? That's terrific, thanks, that means a good deal to me, and Tovah will be very happy to hear it.'
'I think Karen called her the next day and thanked her.'
'Well, yeah, sure, but… see, Tovah… I feel a little disloyal talking about her this way.'
Becker grinned. 'You haven't said anything about her yet. '
'Tovah… gets these infatuations. That's the best thing to call them. They don't last too long, they're like crushes, like a teenager.'
Becker tried to imagine Tovah Kom with a crush on anyone, losing control of herself, abandoning her bitterness. He couldn't manage to see it.
'That's all right, there's nothing wrong with that,' Kom said. He did not sound convinced. 'As long as everyone knows that's all it is.' Kom looked at Becker and touched him on the arm, holding his attention.
'They don't last long.
'Uh-huh,' said Becker. He did not know what he was supposed to do with such unlikely information.
'I mean, I understand, she's a beautiful woman, a very exciting woman … a lonely woman in some ways, you know what a doctor's hours are like, it's hard to plan things, I might have to leave whenever the phone rings, half the time I'm at the hospital, I do rounds, I have operations, there are emergencies…
'Uh-huh.'
'I'm saying I understand, John.'
'I have pretty strange hours myself. So does Karen sometimes, although with Jack, one of us is always around…'
'I'm not encouraging anything, but if it happens, it happens. It won't last long. I won't hold it against you, she's beautiful. I just want to get it on the table.'
'You're beginning to lose me, Stanley.'
'Oh, come on, John. You must have sensed it. It was like a cloud hanging over the dining table. Tovah's crazy about you.'
Becker fought not to choke on his raw fish.
Kom was shaking his head, studying the tabletop.
'It's so embarrassing,' said Kom.
'I couldn't believe it,' Becker said. He noticed that Karen had fallen deathly silent. 'I don't believe it. When I was alone with her, she talked about her husband, he's the one she's infatuated with.'
Karen lay in bed, a book open on her stomach. She stared at Becker coldly.
'How did you take this news?'
'What do you mean? I was stunned, I didn't know what to say. It was almost like he was pimping for her, but he was so-he was so humiliated.
I thought he was going to cry.
'Then he believes it's true, even if you say you don't.'
'I don't say I don't believe, I don't believe it.'
'Maybe you're not the best judge.'
'I'm telling you, it's ridiculous… Don't just stare at me like that, you make me feel guilty. I haven't done a thing. I'm telling you this story, aren't I?'
'Yes, you're telling me, you get full marks for telling me.'
'What don't I get full marks for?'
'For having other women be attracted to you.'
'I'm telling you, she's not.'
'And I'm telling you, John, that unless the woman has been in deep freeze for several weeks, she probably is. Most women would be.'
'Oh, for Pete's sake. Just because you think I'm Clint Eastwood or something…'
'No, precisely because you are not Clint Eastwood. You are sane, you are stable, you're good-looking, you have a sense of humor, you like women, and you are real. You're not a movie star, you're somebody right within arm's reach, you are making an effort to become increasingly open and vulnerable-what's not to like?'
'There are a lot of people who would argue I'm not sane, for one thing.'
'And you're honest, I should have added that. I don't blame Tovah. I feel sorry for Stanley, but I don't blame her. '
'Great, you don't blame her, Stanley says he doesn't blame me…'
'I would kill her,' Karen said. 'But I wouldn't blame her. I would blame you-but you I wouldn't kill. I might maim you in some permanently crippling way.
'An interesting distinction. Meanwhile, what am I supposed to do with this bit of information? What does Stanley expect me to do?'
'He hopes you'll stay away from his wife.'
'You bet I will. I'll also stay away from him.'
'Why?'
'Because it's too embarrassing. I had to look at him in the restaurant, he was practically in tears-I thought
