№013
Triskaidekaphobia (fearing the number 13)
For cutting out the thirteenth floor.
There are many superstitions in modern civilization. We have black cats to watch out for, ladders to avoid walking under, umbrellas we pray won’t open indoors, and mirrors we are cautious not to break. But come on… picking on a poor little prime number seems like a bit much. Thirteen didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t bothering anyone when it sat happy and cozy between its little sis and big bro, twelve and fourteen. Then, one day, they stopped putting a thirteenth floor in all high-rise building WTF? How would you feel if someone took out your thirteenth vertebra? Paralyzed, that’s how. Let’s grow up and put that thirteenth button back in elevators.
Your superstitions are ruining it for everyone
I. There are thirteen new moons in a year. That’s pretty good, right?
II. Women have thirteen chances to get pregnant each year.
III. There were thirteen original colonies in the United States. You like freedom, don’t you?
IV. Thirteen years old is the start of manhood. There’s nothing unlucky about getting lucky.
V. Dan Marino wore No. 13. Remember, Dan’s the man.
VI. Thirteen doughnuts are in a baker’s dozen; twelve to a dozen is just so “carton of eggs.”
VII. The top-rated album of all time,
VIII. Thirteen people attended the Last Supper. Twelve’s company, but thirteen’s a da Vinci painting.
IX. The PG-13 rating. You can see some nudity AND hear the F-bomb in a movie.
X. Michael Jordan’s shoe size is 13. Not exactly bad fortune there!
XI. Aluminum is the most abundant metal in the earth’s crust and it’s No. 13 on the periodic table.
XII. On the U.S. dollar bill, there are thirteen levels on the pyramid, thirteen arrows, thirteen stars, thirteen leaves, and thirteen olives. Is it no longer lucky to win a million of them?
XIII. Last but not least, someone’s mom’s birthday was on Friday the 13th. And moms are good.
Now that you’re convinced the number 13 is no longer bad, here’s a few hotels with a thirteenth floor for you to visit: Embassy Suites in Tampa, Florida; the International Palace Hotel in Recife, Brazil; and the Se Hotel in San Diego, California. (I am sure the word “die” found in “San Diego” is just a coincidence.)
№014
Thomas Jefferson
For the first U.S. political sex scandal.
Thomas Jefferson was the third president of the United States (1801-1809). He was the main author of the Declaration of Independence, and he helped facilitate the Louisiana Purchase and commissioned the Lewis and Clark expedition. Arguably, he is one of the greatest U.S. presidents, and a founding father of the United States of America. Despite all of his achievements, the guy just couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.
As it turns out, Jefferson was accused of seducing a close friend’s wife. And he had an affair with the very married Maria Cosway. He also had a forty-year relationship with his wife’s half-sister, a slave named Sally Hemmings. They had six children together.
Jefferson was the John Holmes of the American political sexual revolution. He paved the way for hundreds of political sex scandals throughout U.S. history. He opened the floodgates to presidential knee pads, Long Dong Silvers, madam clients, underage male pages, bastard births, restroom solicitations, parked car rendezvouses, and the mysterious deaths of countless mistresses. Thanks again!
№015
Ticketmaster
For making a $20 ticket cost $32.50.
Ticketmaster is a ticket sales and distribution company based in West Hollywood, California. If you have never heard of it, you should really get out of the house more often. It’s the company that sells almost all concert and sporting event tickets. The company is ridiculed for its outrageous service charges and has been accused, several times, of operating as a monopoly. However, Ticketmaster simply acts as an agent that sells the tickets its clients make available. So it’s impossible to charge Ticketmaster as an illegal monopoly because they are a third- party entity. But no matter how you look at it, Ticketmaster still sucks.
Shame on you, Ticketmaster. Your greed has made nearly every concertgoer curse your name for bankrupting him. Your ridiculous charges nearly parallel the bands’ revenues. You are well hated and will undoubtedly fall at one point. And when you do, rest assured that we, the fans, will be there to kick ticket stubs in your face.
Shame on you, venues. You accept millions from Ticketmaster, allowing the company to have exclusive ticket-selling rights. You are the reason Ticketmaster can indiscriminately jack up its prices in the first place. Instead of making ticket sales a competitive business, you made it a virtual monopoly. Don’t you get enough revenue from corporate sponsorship anyway (see RIFE №004)? You too have sold your souls to the devil.
Shame on the fans. We buy the tickets. We should rise up and boycott these overpriced events! But who am I kidding? That’s never gonna happen. And besides, a picket line would just look like a ticket line anyway.
Shame on Pearl Jam too. You were so close to winning a lawsuit against Ticketmaster. Shame on you for giving up. Get better lawyers and sue them again. Forget the venues and start playing in back-yards. Then you’d be cool again.
№016
Gillette
For being too cutting-edge.
Technology is great. Just look at all of the achievements and advancements you use in your daily life. Things seem to get faster, smaller, and smarter before you can fully sign your name on the service contract—it’s crazy. But some things just DON’T need improvement. For example, Gillette now has a six-blade razor! SIX! It should come with tourniquet instructions and a panic button directly linked to 911 in case you slice any major arteries.
Hair always seems to grow in places we just don’t want it to. So people will try anything; they will cut,
