Yes, she was glad she had made this decision. For some reason it was not so hard now. She was stronger. The final part of her healing was near.
She tapped on the door of the nurses' office, which was slightly ajar, and looked in.
'I'm Maisie Dobbs, visiting . . . .'
The staff nurse came to her.
'Yes. Good morning. Lovely to have a visitor. We don't see many here.'
'Oh?'
'No. Difficult for the families. But you'd be surprised what a difference it makes.'
'Yes. I was a nurse.'
The staff nurse smiled.'Yes. I know. His mother told us you would be coming. Very pleased, she was. Very happy about it. Told us all . . . well, never mind. Come with me. It's a lovely day, isn't it?'
'Where is he?'
'The conservatory. Lovely and warm in there. The sun shines in. They love the conservatory.'
The staff nurse led the way down the corridor, turned left again, and opened a door into the large glass extension to the main building, a huge room filled with exotic plants and trees. Staff Nurse had not stopped talking since they left the nurses' office; they do that to put the new visitors at ease, thought Maisie.
'This was originally called the Winter Gardens, built by the owner so the ladies of the house could take a turn in the winter without going outside into the cold. You can have quite the walk in here. It's a bit too big to call it a conservatory, I suppose. But that's what we call it.'
She motioned to Maisie once again. 'This way, over to the fountain. Loves the water, he does.'
The staff nurse pointed to an open window. 'And though it's warm, it doesn't get too warm, if you know what I mean. We open the windows to let the breeze blow through in summer, and it still feels like summer, doesn't it? Ah. Here he is.'
Maisie looked in the direction of her outstretched hand, at the man in a wheelchair with his back to them. He was facing the fountain, his head inclined to one side. The staff nurse walked over to the man, stood in front of him, and leaned over to speak. As she did so she gently tapped his hand. Maisie remained still.
'Captain Lynch. Got a visitor, you have. Come to see you. A very beautiful lady.'
The man did not move. He remained facing the fountain. The staff nurse smiled at him, tucked in the blanket covering his knees, and then gave Maisie a broad smile before joining her.
'Would you like me to stay for a while?'
'No, no. I'll be fine.' Maisie bit her lip.
'Right you are. About twenty minutes? I'll come back for you then. Never find your way out of the jungle alone!'
'Thank you, Staff Nurse.'
The woman nodded, checked the time on the watch pinned to her apron, and walked away along the brick path overhung with branches. Maisie went to Simon and sat down in front of him, on the low wall surrounding the fountain. She looked up at this man she had loved so deeply, with all the intensity of a first love, a love forged in the desperate heat of wartime. Maisie looked at the face she had not seen since 1917, a face now so changed.
'Hello, my love,' said Maisie.
There was no response. The eyes stared at a place in the distance beyond Maisie, a place that only he could see. The face was scarred, the hair growing in a shock of gray along scars that lay livid across the top of his skull.
Maisie put her hand to his face and, running her fingers along the jagged lines, wondered how it could be that the outcome of wounds was so different. That scars so similar on the outside concealed a different, far deeper injury. In comparison, her own wounds from the same exploding shell had been superficial. Yet Simon's impairment freed him from all sensation of the deeper wound: that of a broken heart.
Simon still did not move. She took his hands in hers and began to speak.'Forgive me, my love. Forgive me for not coming to you. I was so afraid. So afraid of not remembering you as we were together, as you were. . . .'
She rubbed his hands. They were warm to the touch, so warm she could feel the cold in her own.
'At first people asked me why I didn't come, and I said I didn't feel well enough to see you. Then as each month, each year passed, it was as if the memory of you--of us . . . the explosion--were encased in fine tissue- paper.'
Maisie bit her lip, constantly kneading Simon's still hands as she spoke her confession.'I felt as if I were looking through a window to my own past, and instead of being transparent, my view was becoming more and more opaque, until eventually the time had passed. The time for coming to see you had passed.'
Breathing deeply, Maisie closed her eyes and gathered her thoughts, then continued, her voice less strained as the weight of formerly unspoken words was lightened.
'Dad, Lady Rowan, Priscilla--they all stopped asking after a while. I kept them at arm's length. All except Maurice. Maurice sees through everything. He said that even if people couldn't see my tissue-paper armor, they could feel it, and would not ask again. But he knew, Maurice knew, that I would have to come one day. He said that the truth grows even more powerful when it is suppressed, and that often it takes only one small crack to bring down the wall, to release it. And that's what happened, Simon. The wall I built fell down. And I have been so filled with shame for being unable to face the truth of what happened to you.'
Simon sat still in his wheelchair, his hands unmoving, though blood colored his skin.
