Darkness My Old Friend

chapter twenty-seven

When Cole pulled up to the house, he knew that something was wrong. He just knew. His dad’s car was in the driveway, and his father was almost never home before Claire and Cameron went to bed. Paula’s SUV was gone. And there was something else. He realized as he sat and watched the house that he’d never seen it without the outside lights burning. Paula always had all the lights on, inside and out. I hate the dark, she’d told him. It makes me sad. His dad was always complaining about lamps burning in empty rooms. But Cole liked it. He didn’t like the dark, either.

He forced himself to exit the car, even though he just wanted to keep driving. He should have gone straight to Willow’s. He’d wanted to. But he’d promised Cam that they’d play a game when he came home from school. And Cole didn’t like to break promises to his brother. He closed the car door behind him, and the sound of it echoed on the quiet street. He didn’t pull into the drive in case his father needed to get out or Paula needed to get in.

Cole walked in through the open garage and up the three wooden steps into the laundry room. There was none of the usual chaos to greet him. Usually Cam’s shoes, coat, and book bag were lying on the floor until Paula ran around cleaning everything up. He’d hear the television blaring, Claire crying, or Paula talking on the phone. He’d smell something cooking on the stove.

Tonight he stood in the doorway that led to the empty living room, feeling an uneasiness. It was like the feeling he had when he’d called his mother and found that the line had been disconnected. Or when his birthday came and went and she didn’t call or send a card. It wasn’t like her. He couldn’t imagine that she had some new boyfriend and didn’t want him around, as his father said. But his father wouldn’t lie, would he? Why would he lie?

Cole closed the laundry room door behind him. Again he thought about just leaving. No one tracked him. As long as he left a note for Paula, and as long as he was home by eight to do his homework, she wouldn’t be mad. Instead he walked to the foyer.

“Paula?”

Nothing.

“Dad?”

He had that nervous stomach that he’d had on and off since he went to the apartment he’d lived in with his mother and found it empty. All their stuff-all his stuff-was gone. He hadn’t wanted to cry in front of his dad. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried about anything, really. But it had rushed out of him in a wave, like vomit. He’d just started sobbing.

“Where is she?” he’d asked. He knew he sounded like a little kid; he couldn’t help it. “Where did she go?”

“Cole, I’m sorry, son,” his dad had said. “I don’t know. It’s okay, though. You’ll stay with us until we find her.”

Except that horrible, sad sinking feeling had stayed. Sometimes he was able to ignore it, like when he was getting high with Jolie and Jeb, or when he was thinking about Willow Graves, or playing with Claire and Cam. But whenever it was dark or quiet, that ache just spread from his belly and swallowed him whole. Maybe that’s why Paula didn’t like the dark. Sometimes he looked at her when she thought no one was watching and he wondered if she had that spreading sadness inside, too.

On the staircase he picked his way over Cam’s robot dog, a fire truck, a caboose from his train set, and headed up. He heard Kevin’s voice. There was a sliver of low light coming from the door left ajar to his office. Cole stood and listened.

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry. I’m stuck at work. I’ll make it up to you.”

Cole knew that Kevin wasn’t talking to Paula. That was not the tone he used when he was talking to her. Cole pushed the door open. His father was sitting on the big walnut desk with his head in one hand, cell phone in the other.

“Dad?” Somehow the word never quite rang true for Cole. He’d wanted to call his father “Kevin.” But Kevin insisted on “Dad.” Cole complied, just to be polite.

His father looked up at him startled but then tried for a smile. He raised a finger.

“Look, honey,” he said. “I have to go. Let’s talk about this later.”

Cole heard whoever it was get shrill and loud on the other end. But Kevin just hung up. Cole remembered how his mother used to yell at his dad, when Cole was small. He could see her standing at the kitchen counter crying. He didn’t remember what they were fighting about. Just that for the longest time he thought that was why his father never came to see him, because his mother was always screaming her head off at the guy. He had recently started to wonder if that was true. And why it was that she’d been screaming at him.

“How was school, pal?”

Kevin looked terrible, pasty in the light of his computer screen. There was some kind of mark on his face, a dark line under his eye that trailed to his mouth. Was it blood?

“Dad, what’s wrong?” asked Cole. “Where are Paula and the kids?”

His father didn’t answer right away, looked at him with an odd, frozen smile.

“Uh, Cole,” he said. He pointed to the chair across from his desk. “Take a seat, okay?”

Cole sank into the chair. The clock on the bookshelf behind Kevin said that it was almost four. He was going to be late to see Willow.

“Paula and I are taking a little break.”

“A break?” Cole felt that ache in his stomach. He wished his father would turn on a light.

“She has taken the kids and, um…” His dad didn’t seem like he could finish the sentence. Kevin looked down at fingers that he had spread wide across the blotter on his desk. “The truth is, I don’t know where she is.”

“What happened to your eye?”

Kevin lifted a finger to his face. “Oh,” he said. The smear from his face had transferred to his finger. “I hit my head on a cabinet door.”

Cole didn’t know what to say. It was obvious his father was lying. He remembered what his mother had said to him the day he left to go spend a few weeks with Kevin. I know you love your dad and I’m happy that you’re going to have some time with him. But remember, all that glitters isn’t gold… Whatever, Mom. See you in a couple of weeks.

He hadn’t even been sad to leave her. He hadn’t, in fact, given her a backward glance; she was too strict, too paranoid, always on his case about homework and who he was hanging out with. And when she found that joint, he thought she was going to have an aneurysm. Then, on the computer, he’d discovered that she’d been looking at those discipline summer camps. He’d wanted to get away from her and stay with Kevin. His father, Cole had thought, was smart and cool and had money. Not like his mother, who could barely make ends meet.

“Are you okay?” Cole asked

Kevin blew out a breath, tried for a smile. “I’m sorry, son,” he said. “This is not what I had planned for your visit.”

His father had been full of promises about the kind of summer they’d have together. But Kevin was often gone before Cole got up, sometimes didn’t get home until very late. They’d played golf once. He had also, once, taken Cole and the kids to the beach. But Kevin was just on his phone the whole time, while Cole took care of the kids. Since school started, he’d hardly seen his father at all.

“It’s okay, Dad. Don’t worry about it.”

Cole wanted to ask more about Paula, but something told him not to. Kevin’s cell phone started ringing then. He glanced at it, his nose wrinkling as if he’d smelled something foul.

“I have to take this, okay?” Kevin said. He picked up the phone and looked down at the desk. “Hey, Greg. What’s up?… I know. I know… You’ll have it tomorrow.”

Cole rose and moved to the door. He stood there a minute, not knowing whether he should leave or not. He wanted to turn on the light, so Kevin wouldn’t be sitting there with just the computer screen on. There was something really depressing about that. But instead, after a moment, he simply closed the door and left.

Cole walked into Cameron’s room and sat on his little brother’s bed. He looked around at Cam’s mounds of toys and shelves of books. Then Cole put his head down on the sheets that were covered with planets and stars