center. She’d always been an uncanny diviner of motives.
He went on: “She sounded tough, sure of herself. But I started to realize something while she was talking to me. Her hands were shaking and there was sweat on her forehead. She was afraid. She was afraid of something or someone, and it definitely wasn’t me. She knew I wasn’t capable of hurting her.”
I leaned forward on my seat. “Did you ask her what was frightening her?”
“Of course. She said, ‘I’ve made a deal with the devil, Mr. Jacobsen. And he’ll be waiting for me when I die. I’m afraid all the time. Afraid I’ll get hit by a car, have a heart attack and have to face him before I’ve atoned for my sins. The things I’ve done…you couldn’t have convinced me they were wrong at the time. But now I see the damage we caused.’”
Jake shook his head here, stood up. “But that wasn’t it,” he told me. “It wasn’t a spiritual fear. She was afraid of some clear and present danger. I told her I thought as much. I told her she could start atoning for her sins right now by telling me what I wanted to know.
“I kept at her, asked her, ‘What still scares you? What are you still hiding? Everyone associated with Project Rescue is dead and buried, Esme.’”
When she didn’t answer him, Jake explained, that’s when an idea struck him.
“‘He’s alive, isn’t he?’ I asked her, not even believing it as I said it. ‘Max Smiley. He’s still alive.’
“She looked at me like I’d slapped her. Her face went paper white. She screamed at me to get out, told me I was crazy, that she’d call the police. She wasn’t just scared; she was terrified. I tried to calm her down but she was freaking. ‘You idiot,’ she screamed at me. ‘If you know what’s good for you, you’ll take Ridley and get as far away from here as you can. Change your names and disappear. And don’t come near me again.’”
“Jesus,” I said.
“That’s when I started to suspect that Max was still alive.”
“Jake,” I said with a light laugh. “Esme’s obviously come unglued. She’s sick with guilt.”
“No. Well, maybe. But not only that. You didn’t see her. She was panicked when I talked about Max.”
“Okay. But telling you to take me away, to change our names and disappear? Those don’t sound like the words of a well woman.”
“They’re the words of a frightened woman. And with the things I’ve learned since then, Ridley, I think she had good reason for saying what she did.”
He sat next to me and I leaned away from him. There was something bright in his eyes, a tension to his bearing. I felt my heart start to thump. I didn’t know if I was afraid of what he was saying, or afraid of him. It sounded to me as if Esme had lost it. And if he believed her, did that mean he’d lost it, too?
“Max is dead,” I said again.
“Then how are you explaining those pictures to yourself?” He said this in a tone of smug condescension. In the past, he’d accused me of being more comfortable in a state of denial than I was in reality (which never failed to throw me off the deep end, since it was my favorite criticism of my mother). I heard the echo of that judgment in his voice.
“There’s nothing to explain,” I said, raising my voice a little. “Those pictures were out of focus. That man-he could have been anyone.”
He looked at me hard but I couldn’t read his expression. It could have been disappointment, disbelief.
“Come. On,” I said to him, yelling now. I stood up and started moving toward the door. “I thought you had something real to tell me, Jake. This is just more insane speculation on your part. More craziness. What are you trying to do to me?”
He looked at me sadly, stood, and followed me out into the loft space. “I’m sorry, Ridley.”
“You’re not sorry!” I screamed. I took a deep breath and lowered my voice. “You just want me to be as miserable and obsessed as you are. You want me trapped with you in a past that neither one of us can ever change no matter how badly we want to. It’s not fair. I don’t want to be here with you anymore.”
He didn’t react, though I could see the pain in his eyes. He walked back into his office for a second, returned with a file folder.
“Just read this stuff, Ridley. I’m not going to say another word about any of this to you…ever again. Just read my research and come to your own conclusions. Call me when you’re ready.”
I wanted to throw the file at him. I wanted to throw myself at him and punch him as hard as I could a thousand times. I wanted to take him in my arms, comfort him and be comforted by him. Instead of any of these options, I exited the loft in silence. I could have left him and the file behind and never looked back. But, of course, you know me better than that by now. Once we’ve started on the road toward the truth, there’s no turning back. The Universe doesn’t like secrets.
FOLLOWING THE DIRECTIONS I’d printed out from MapQuest, I pulled off the highway and onto a smaller main drag that led past strip malls and office buildings. This suburb of Detroit seemed like a parade of prefab buildings, indistinguishable from every other American ’burb: Chick-Fil-A and Wal-Mart, Taco Bell and Home Depot, the mandatory Starbucks. Peppered among the chains, small run-down independent stores-a butcher, a mechanic’s garage, a consignment shop-stood like rebel soldiers protesting the encroachment of the corporate giants. They seemed dilapidated and near defeat. I noticed that there were no sidewalks, though I could see houses on the back streets. I drove for miles and didn’t see one person walking. And people think New York City is scary.
The area seemed to improve after a while and started to look familiar as I neared my grandparents’ old neighborhood. I knew that their one-story ranch house, where my father and later Max had been raised, had been purchased by a young professional couple and torn down, replaced by a much larger, brand-new home. I turned onto their old street, narrowly avoiding a side-impact collision that would have been completely my fault. (I’m the world’s worst driver, partially from inexperience and partially from my mind’s tendency to wander. Many New Yorkers, most maybe, don’t drive-we walk or we ride. We take the subways or-too often in my case-hail cabs. These are activities where mind-wandering is perfectly acceptable, even preferable. Driving, I’ve noticed, requires more focused attention.)
I looked for my grandparents’ lot on the street, but it seemed that most of the homes had recently been erected. I couldn’t remember the street number nor could I pick it out based on any of the nebulous memories I had. The old ranch houses that had once characterized the neighborhood were now mostly gone, except for a few that looked dwarfed and gray among the gleaming new two-stories. At the end of the street, I found the address I was looking for: 314 Wildwood Lane. It was easily the oldest and most run-down house on the street, with an old Chevy up on blocks in the driveway. I pulled along the side of the lawn and came to a stop, felt my heart start to hammer.
You’re probably wondering, What the hell is she doing in a Detroit suburb? It was a question I asked myself as I sat in the rented Land Rover, heat blasting. I was starting to wonder if I was as nuts as Jake, in my own way.
I’D LEFT JAKE’S loft filled with fury, but on the train ride home, I felt the black fingers of depression tugging at me. I’d been fighting them off for a year, but the blackness always loomed, threatening to take me over. I knew if I stopped moving and turned around to see its face, it would eat me alive. My anger faded, leaving a killer headache in its wake.
I didn’t even take my coat off after I entered my apartment. I just sat at the dining-room table (a mammoth metal thing Jake had made and which I hated more with each passing day for its cold and utterly unwelcoming aura) and flipped open the file, which was crammed with newspaper articles, documents, and pages of handwritten notes in what I recognized as Jake’s nearly illegible scrawl.
At first glance it seemed like a jumble of unconnected pieces of information, most of which was already known to me. I noticed a copy of the medical examiner’s report from the night Max died; I flipped through the stapled pages, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary to me (not that I’d ever seen an actual medical examiner’s report). Jake had circled the estimated time of death, but it seemed consistent with what I knew about that night. I saw that Esme Gray had identified the body. This gave me pause. I had always believed that my father had been the one to ID the body. Max’s face was ruined, I remember him telling me; he wasn’t wearing a seat belt and had gone through the windshield. Jake had circled Esme’s name but I couldn’t determine why.
There were a few articles from the days following Max’s death reporting the incident, as well as some larger features about Max and his philanthropy, about his foundation being established to fund programs that aided
