In 1998, when all of my former life lay in ruin around me, I heard the Holy Spirit ask me who was the one person I hated most? The answer came quickly and easily. Silently I responded, 'George Bush,' since he was a man who repeatedly hurt my baby girl from very early on. The same day the Holy Spirit questioned me, I received a hospital advertisement in the mail cheerfully announcing that George Bush would be visiting a local hospital just 25 minutes from my home. I was devastated that people still looked at him as a person of honor, and associated him with charity and healing? Then the challenge from Jesus came when he called me to love George Bush. I couldn't do that initially, it took many prayerful hours for me to ask God to please change within me the attitudes that needed changing in order for me to love and forgive George Bush. Obviously, that didn't happen overnight, but it did take place, at first just for a fleeting moment and then for longer periods of time. That doesn't mean that I stop working toward exposing the system that has caused this misuse of human life, nor does it mean that I think what my perpetrators did was right or excusable. It simply means that no matter what they or anyone else does to me, they do not have the power to make me hate, or the power to take away my right to love, for love is my continuing goal.
I was confused and tormented as I awakened to the realization that my father and others had abused me in such horrific ways and that they had actually taken control of my life for nearly 40 years. The awareness that churches had been places where I was often victimized, by individuals who I associated with being the most loving, added to my torment and bewilderment. I searched for answers, through reading about many religions, trying to find the truth, and one night I had a dream in which I heard the word 'Beatitudes.' Upon waking, the word stuck in my mind and later, while attending a religion class at Pepperdine University, I went to my professor and asked him what the word meant. He told me and later on that day, I went across the street to the Malibu Presbyterian Church to speak to the assistant minister. Little did I know that through my seeking, the Great Master Healer himself would appear to me, but that is exactly what happened. The minister ushered me into his office and after I confessed that I had been severely abused as a child, had Multiple Personality Disorder, had been forced to participate in satanic rituals where infants, children, and animals were killed — and as I went on and on — he looked at me in horror, and said, 'Get down on your knees, and ask God to forgive you of your transgressions. You are a sinner.'
The moment my knees hit the floor, Jesus appeared to me and said, 'Get up off your knees, and leave. You my child are innocent, you have done nothing wrong.' Taking the authority of the Lord, over this human who stood ministering in His name, I did as commanded and left. I couldn't understand yet what Jesus was trying to help me understand. It took time for Him to reassure me that those acts, committed in a programmed state, acting from other person's commands and not from my own free will, were not my sin. In the days that followed, Jesus showed me that He wanted me to stand in the name of Mercy for others who had been similarly tortured and abused. Over time, He called me to minister and share His words of mercy and forgiveness with other victims who presented themselves to me in women's shelters, at my office, at mental health conferences, and through letters of response to victims who wrote, pouring out their hurts to me after they read my book I know that this message from Jesus, one of complete forgiveness, touched the hearts and minds of the people I spoke with, as deeply as it did me because I saw the tears of relief and understanding well up in their eyes. God wants His people free.
I had many experiences where His Angels demonstrated that they were guiding me. I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, 'get up from your reading, and go down to the Bazaar.' I hadn't known that there was a Christmas bazaar at Pepperdine, but I followed the voice of the Holy Spirit and was led to a small purple book entitled, 'Angels Are Watching Over Me. ' And if I doubted that it was true, in the months and years that followed, the voice of the Holy Spirit led me to books, places, and people to help me heal and gain freedom. Books even fell off of shelves in libraries, many of them reminding me that the Angels of the Lord were ever present and that I was not to worry. Other books I was led to helped me organize my healing in such ways that, when healing took place, it was core healing and not superficial or drugged.
I often tell the story of the experience I had at traffic school. During the early stages of my recovery, despite the smile that betrayed my true inner feelings, I was so full of repressed, subconscious rage that it often found its release in driving too fast and I continually got traffic tickets for speeding; one day I got two! Since I was already on assigned risk and my insurance rates were extremely high, my husband suggested I go to traffic school, so I did. The traffic schoolteacher was younger than I, but that day she had an important message for me. I had been wrestling with just how I was going to forgive these people who had done this to my children and myself. As I explained my dilemma she said, 'All you have to do is heal yourself so you have something left for giving.' I know now that what she said was true and I understand the wisdom because, now in a healed state, I do have much to give. And, I thank God for that.
In Carbondale, Illinois, in 1995, nearly one year after my final integration and deprogramming, I was working in the garden. It was a warm day and I luxuriated in the midst of the peace and solitude that I found among my tomato and zucchini plants. Very clearly, I once again heard the voice of the Holy Spirit, this time instructing me to go visit my father.
'God, you want me to do what?' I couldn't believe I was being asked to go and visit this man who had tortured and programmed me for so many years, besides it wasn't safe for me in California, I had actually been raped there as 1 made my initial attempt to get Starshine into print in 1993. But I heard the words very clearly, 'Go visit your father, fly under your real name, stay 24 hours and then return. An intelligence officer will approach you. Do not be afraid. Tell him what happened to you and to your children.'
I thought maybe I hadn't heard correctly. So, I took this into prayer and in a very short while I knew I was to go to California. Soon God showed me a vision where I saw lights on in the White House symbolizing individuals who would wake up and help. Then He shared with me that, like the men's secret society (freemasonry) that has allowed secret knowledge to be passed between men, that He also had a secret society that was more powerful- The Holy Spirit. Then He showed me that as men's secret societies fund and support each other, so shall God's people fund and support their own. He showed me that through Him, and in His time, the Holy Spirit would connect people and allow them to be of like mind, so the truth could come to light. Although I didn't actually understand how this was going to come about, I was encouraged.
I booked my ticket, and the next day I went to California, to the nursing home where my father was being cared for. When I walked in, I was moved seeing my father sitting in a chair, withered and small, a whisper of the physical stature he had been before. When he saw me, he immediately began crying, and through his tears he cried, 'I love you. I knew you'd come.'
I got down on my knees before my father and said, 'Dad, I forgive you.'
Looking me directly in the eyes, he replied in a childlike manner, 'I forgive you too.' At that moment I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my father, this man who had tortured me for years, had no idea, no memory, no awareness of what he had done. Still crying he said, 'Jesus brought me here.' This statement caught me totally off guard, as here was a man who together with my brothers had ridiculed and berated me for my belief in Christ for years. I had so much I wanted to ask my father, but was overwhelmed with emotion. Trying to gather myself, I looked around his room. There on his bookcase, was a golden spider web with a crystal spider in the middle. Woven into this art piece was a Ronald Reagan wristwatch. My thoughts raced to information an Intelligence officer 'in the know' once explained to me, that victims will surround themselves with their programming and often will display objects that speak to that which they verbally can't, as a form of subconscious communication. This spider web spoke to me deeply through subconscious communication, and although my father could not tell me what he knew, he had carefully preserved this piece to speak what he could not. Again deeply touched, I asked him if I could have it. He said, 'Sure, take anything you want.' My father and I cried together. There was so much I
