Something Happened

'No, of course not,' we lie.

'Why should it?' my wife flashes at her belligerently. She is shocked and outraged by the directness of the question. (And now it is I who must shield my little girl against her.)

'Leave her alone,' I request softly.

My daughter turns to me for the truth. 'Is it?'

'Are you thinking of getting married?' I gamble in a pleasant rejoinder.

'See how he tries not to answer me?'

'You should be ashamed of yourself,' my wife says to her, 'for even thinking like that.'

'Leave her alone,' I repeat.

'Will people think my own children will turn out the same way?' my daughter persists.

My wife gasps. 'That's a terrible thing to say!' she rebukes her with emotion. 'He's your own brother.'

'That's why I worry about it. Can't I ask?'

'Leave her alone, for Christ sakes,' I shout, and whirl upon my wife to glare at her. 'I worry about the same thing.'

'She's the one who should be ashamed.'

'And you worry about it too. For Christ sakes, stop blaming her for him.'

'Stop blaming me. You're always taking her part. The doctors said you shouldn't do that.'

'I'm not.'

'He's nothing to be ashamed of.'

'If he's nothing to be ashamed of, why the hell are we always ashamed of him?'

'We're not.'

'We are.'

'You're always blaming me for him.'

'I'm not. Like hell I am.'

'Don't yell at me,' my wife says unexpectedly, with an air of indignant calm and refinement that is utterly astounding.

I turn away from her in disgust. 'Oh, Christ,' I mutter. 'You make me laugh.'

'And don't swear at me, either,' she reacts mechanically. 'I've told you that before. Especially in front of the children. I think you must enjoy humiliating me. I really think you do.'

I am incredulous. And I find myself wondering again just what in hell I am doing married to a woman like this. Even if I had no other reason for wanting a divorce, this idiot child she gave me would be enough.

I want a divorce.

I need a divorce. I long for it. I crave a divorce. I pray for divorce.

Divorces seem impossible. They're so much work. It's hard to believe so many really take place. It's enough to stab the heart with envy, turn eyes dewy with pining and sentiment. People less proficient than I am manage to breeze right through their divorces without breaking stride, while I can't even get a foot out the door.

I want one too.

I have always wanted one. I dream of divorce. All my life I've wanted a divorce. Even before I was married I wanted a divorce. I don't think there has been a six-month period in all the years of my marriage — a six-week period — when I have not wanted to end it by divorce. I was never sure I wanted to get married. But I always knew I wanted a divorce.

'If it doesn't work out,' I kept assuring myself right up to the day of the ceremony, 'I can always get a divorce.'

I can't always get a divorce.

I don't know how it's done.

Maybe I attach too much importance to a shirt.

I'll have undershorts at the laundry. Will she let me come for them? Or will she burn them, hide them? Will she tell me my little boy is upset when he isn't? That she cannot live without me when she can? I know she'll tell me she's thinking of killing herself. The obstacles appear insurmountable. In the summer my winter clothes are in mothballs; in the winter, my summer suits are hanging somewhere else and my sneakers are packed away. How will I ever get them all together? I'd need weeks. I don't have time to get a divorce. There's so much packing to be done (she won't help), so much talk to go through. (How does anyone ever get it finished?) There'll be fights, discussions, more fights. (Will it never end?) Bank statements will already be in the mail. A letter will be due any day, a pinstripe suit I like has just been sent to the cleaner's. There'll be books to be boxed in corrugated food cartons from the supermarket, the smaller the lighter, the lighter the better. No wonder I keep finding reasons for postponing the action: the welfare of the children (a fat lot of good it's done any of them to have us stick together so long), the money, the office, my wife's health, a dinner party for the following week or a date for the theater with another couple that will have to be broken. Neither one of us will want to call; we'd rather stay married. It's so much easier to ride things out until my mood changes and I kid myself into thinking I will never really want to leave her.

I just don't know how it's done.

Weaklings do it. Will she forward my mail? Or will I have to telephone and talk to her about that and other things. I guess it helps to have a wife who falls in love with another man and wants a divorce first. But mine is so lacking in initiative of that kind she might never come around to it. I would still have all that packing to do. I have shelves of books from college days with handwritten notes I scribbled in the margins. I probably will never look at them again. Yet I would want to take them with me. I would have to find an apartment, furnish the apartment, make my own dinner most evenings or eat out, get some girl friends I could stand, and sooner or later get married to one of them so that I could start looking forward to a divorce again.

I wish there were someone I could hire by the hour to go through the whole wearying procedure for me from beginning to end, even to experiencing those ritualistic qualms of guilt, concern, and remorse without which a conscience can never feel antiseptically pure again.

I remember a pledge: when Derek reached five, I promised myself, I would go. What irony! (All I did was fuck her once, and now I am saddled with him.) It isn't his fault. Even without him, I'd still be unable to go; and even if he were normal, I would want to. I will always want to.

I yearn to.

I do have dreams about divorce. I want to leave my home but I'm unable to. Even when they let me. (They always let me. I don't go. I don't want them to let me.) I'm unable to get anywhere. I want to speak but I'm unable to. People leave messages for me and I am unable to get back to them. I have to take a test and I am unprepared. All term long I have been unable to find my way into the correct classroom. The lessons have proceeded without me. The term is ending. I have trouble finding my way to the correct examination room. Every building I enter is wrong. Time is passing. I will fail.

I would not even know how to begin if I had to begin with a straight face. I don't think I'd be able to make all those necessary pompous statements without cracking a smile. I think I might actually burst out laughing. I think a man like me would have to fly way off the handle into the wildest emotional state to get it done, go mad, utterly berserk, for an hour or two and give no thought at all to mail, children, books, underwear, and pinstripe suits. Man can live without a pinstripe suit, if he has to. All it would take is enough rage to throw together a small suitcase, checkbook, passport, credit cards. Even then, there would be no guarantee.

Not for me.

Suppose, for example, one of the children, even Derek (perhaps especially Derek), came to the doorway to watch while I was packing. How could I go on?

Or suppose my wife, whom I've known so many years now, simply walked into the room when I was almost finished and said:

'Please don't go.'

I don't think I could (I would probably miss her.) She wants me to tell her I love her. I won't. A reason I won't is that I know she wants me to. This is one advantage I have over her that I am still able to hang onto.

She used to make me say it. It seems a silly, awkward thing for a sapient human being to have to say — especially if it's true. It might make some sense on occasion when it's a lie. Now she cannot make me say it, and I have my revenge. She doesn't ask me to anymore. And between us now there is this continual underground struggle over something trivial and nebulous that won't abate and has lasted nearly as long as the two of us have