Restoration

longer have the strength.

Despite Edmund's advice, I went at once to the stall where Katharine was lying. I bent over her. She had woken from her laudanum sleep, but the opiate was still in her blood and she lay without moving. When she saw me, she attempted to sit up and in trying to move her leg found herself held down by the iron cuff on her ankle. She opened her mouth to cry out, but no sound came from her. I was about to reach out and put a hand on her forehead to calm her when Ambrose came into the stall. He knelt down and lifted Katharine a little and held a cup of water to her lips and she drank, but she did not look at Ambrose nor at the cup, but only at me and as she lapped the water her eyes filled with oily tears. 'Speak to her,' Ambrose said quietly. 'Tell her you are not leaving Whittlesea, for your life is here now.'

I endeavoured to do this. 'My horse has ridden away,' I said, 'so there will be no more going out of the gate. And I shall be – '

I could not finish the sentence. Ambrose finished it for me: 'With us all,' he said. 'Robert is with us all.'

And I nodded. And Ambrose took away the water cup and lay Katharine down. And into my mind came the image of the husband, the stone mason laying his wife down on the bowed backs of the vaults and unbuttoning himself and asking of her acts of submission in the very roof of God's house.

Two days later, Katharine was returned to Margaret Fell. Ambrose instructed me in what he called 'new ways' of caring for her. I could visit her only once each day and not at all during the night, except when it was my turn for a Night Keeping. The duration of my visits to her should not exceed half an hour. I was permitted to continue rubbing her feet with soap, 'but only with the soap, Robert, and not with your naked palm', and told to show her no more attention that I would show to any in George Fox. 'In this way,' said Ambrose, 'her affection for you will be held in check, but beware above all, Robert, that you do not let it flatter you and so seek it out.'

I replied, as truthfully as I could, that I sought nothing from Katharine at all, only to find a cure for her sleeplessness.

'A cure!' said Ambrose. 'I know of no other word that so beguiles us. Yet you, as a physician, know that certain states and conditions are not susceptible to cure – unless there be some intervention from God.'

'I accept that,' I said. 'But with regard to sleep, I have recently begun to comprehend some of its mysteries…'

'I know you believe you do, Robert. Yet it may be that you are not yet as learned on the subject as you think yourself. Time will tell you, no doubt.'

I sighed, being crestfallen by Ambrose's severity.

'Time!' I said moodily. 'I was once told I was a man of my time, but at some moment – and I could not precisely say when – I think that my time and I parted company, and now I do not belong to it at all, indeed I do not really belong anywhere…'

'Beware your very vast self-pity, Robert,' said Ambrose, 'and bend your thoughts and your energies instead towards music.'

'Towards music?'

'Yes. John and I and the others have now pondered long enough upon some words you spoke at a Meeting in spring. And we concede that to organise a little dancing – on midsummer's day perhaps? – might have some beneficial effect upon us all. So what do you say? Will you play for us?'

I looked up at Ambrose. His large face had a large grin upon it. I cleared my throat.

'I am not… as marvellous a player as I would like to be, Ambrose,' I said. 'Before I came here, I was getting some oboe lessons from a German teacher, but they were curtailed.'

'Well, we are speaking of simple tunes, are we not: a polka, a tarantella?'

'Yes…'

'Will you do it?'

'If there was any among us who played a string… then the sound would be somewhat better and more rounded.'

'Talk to Daniel. He has learned the fiddle and the two of you can rehearse your pieces in the parlour.'

Ambrose left me then and I sat down in the kitchen, where this conversation had taken place, and began to imagine the women of Margaret Fell and the men of George Fox coming out into the sunshine and hearing music and looking about them stupidly, some of them being uncertain whether the sounds were there in the air or only there in their minds. The thought made me smile.

I took a radish from a bowl on the table and ate it and the harsh taste of it reminded me of my curing of Lou- Lou and, in the midst of my contentment about the forthcoming dancing at Whittlesea, I had a moment's longing for the sight of the old noisy river.

That evening, after spending my allotted half hour with Katharine (who, when I am with her is, in five minutes, soothed and calmed by my touching of her feet, so that she falls asleep with a strange smile on her face) I went to my room and unwrapped my oboe from the words of Plato, inserted a new reed into the mouthpiece and began to play a scale or two with the correct fingering taught to me by Herr Hummel. To hold the instrument in my hands again gave me a feeling of peculiar happiness. I did not in the least mind the monotony of the scales, but rather delighted in them, endeavouring to play them faster and faster and finding my clumsy fingers almost adequate to the task.

I then paused, dried the reed, and embarked upon Swans Do All A-Swimming Go which, notwithstanding that my instrument was a little out of tune and my tuning skills very paltry, I declare I played more sweetly than I had ever done in the summer-house at Bidnold. As I finished the piece, there was a knock on my door. I opened it and found Eleanor there. 'Robert,' she said, 'may I come in and listen to you? May I listen for a short while?'

'Well,' I said, 'you are welcome, but the while will be exceedingly short, for that little song is the only piece I know!'

As I have told you, Eleanor is a person of great good nature and, although I knew her to be disappointed at the severe limitations to my repertoire, she did not show her disappointment, but only said brightly, 'Why then, play that one again.' So she sat down on my bed (a cot it is rather, not a true real bed) which is the only place where one is able to sit in my linen cupboard, and I played the Swans for her a second time and when I had finished, she wiped her eyes with her apron and pronounced the music 'most sweet.'

Now, this week, with midsummer approaching and the stifling weather still with us and all of Whittlesea plagued by flies, I pass much of each day with Daniel who, just as I had imagined, is quite adept as a fiddle player and whose goal it now is to teach me to play on my oboe simple accompaniments to three or four sprightly tunes for which he possesses sheets of music so seemingly ancient and yellow and bedraggled it is as if they had once been dredged from the sea by Sir Walter Raleigh. One is called Une Tarentelle de Lyon and was composed by a person who signs himself Ch. de B. Fauconnier, and this piece is so fast that firstly, I cannot keep up with it on my instrument and, secondly, I wonder if Ch. de B. Fauconnier did not go mad in the writing of it and end his days in a Lyonnais asile. As I muse on this possibility, Daniel chides me gently for 'having the habit of talking too much.'

The anniversary of my wedding, the seventh of June, has come and gone. It is most strange to reflect that, when I put on my purple garb and my three-masted barque, I imagined that here was a new beginning that would bind my life ever more firmly to the life of the King; and to understand now that my wedding day began for me nothing at all but a year of great loneliness and striving and ridicule.

Though determined not to dwell upon any memory of my wedding, I did find myself waking very early on the morning of the seventh of June and recalling how I had gone out from the feast and flung myself on the lawn of Sir Joshua's house and cried, there to be found by Pearce, to whose life I do indeed seem to be bound and without whom I would truly feel myself to be very alone. And it came into my mind to thank Pearce, there and then, for his friendship, to tell him how, in my least action, I try to measure in my mind how he would see the thing and judge it. And how in this way -though I sometimes rail against it – he is present in all that I do, so that for as long as I live (whether here with him or elsewhere) he will always be with me, like Jesus Christ is with the true believers. But I did not stir, only lay on my little bed and watched the sunrise, and thought of my friend asleep, holding his ladle.

In my struggles with Une Tarentelle de Lyon and the other dances, I soon pushed