'Pardon me?'
I nodded.
'As in the kingdom of Jordan?'
'Yep. Mom and Dad saw him at the Fontainebleau in Miami.'
'And?'
'Mom asked him if he'd pose for a picture.'
'You're kidding.'
'There's the proof.'
'Didn't he have guards or something?'
'I guess she didn't look armed.'
Sheila laughed. I remember Mom telling me about the incident. Her posing with King Hussein, Dad's camera not working, his muttering under his breath, his trying to fix it, her glaring at him to hurry, the king standing patiently, his chief of security checking the camera, finding the problem, fixing it, handing it back to Dad.
My mom, Sunny.
'She was so lovely,' Sheila said.
It's an awful cliche to say that a part of her died when they found Julie Miller's body, but the thing about cliches is that they're often dead-on. My mother's crackle quieted, smothered. After hearing about the murder, she never threw a tantrum or cried hysterically. I often wish she had. My volatile mother became frighteningly even. Her whole manner became flat, monotone passionless would be the best way to describe it which in someone like her was more agonizing to witness than the most bizarre histrionics.
The front doorbell rang. I looked out the bedroom window and saw the Eppes-Essen delivery van. Sloppy joes for the, uh, mourners. Dad had optimistically ordered too many platters. Delusional to the end. He stayed in this house like the captain of the Titanic. I remember the first time the windows had been shot out with the BB gun not long after the murder the way he shook his fist with defiance. Mom, I think, wanted to move. Dad would not. Moving would be a surrender in his eyes. Moving would be admitting their son's guilt. Moving would be a betrayal.
Dumb.
Sheila had her eyes on me. Her warmth was almost palpable, more sunbeam on my face, and for a moment I just let myself bathe in it. We'd met at work about a year before. I'm the senior director of Covenant House on 41sttreet in New York City. We're a charitable foundation that helps young runaways survive the streets. Sheila had come in as a volunteer. She was from a small town in Idaho, though she seemed to have very little small- town girl left in her. She told me that many years ago, she too had been a runaway. That was all she would tell me about her past.
'I love you,' I said.
'What's not to love?' she countered.
I did not roll my eyes. Sheila had been good to my mother toward the end. She'd take the Community Bus Line from Port Authority to Northfield Avenue and walk over to the St. Barnabas Medical Center. Before her illness, the last time my mom had stayed at St. Barnabas was when she delivered me. There was probably something poignantly life-cycling about that, but I couldn't see it just then.
I had however seen Sheila with my mother. And it made me wonder. I took a risk.
'You should call your parents,' I said softly.
Sheila looked at me as though I'd just slapped her across the face. She slid off the bed.
'Sheila?'
'This isn't the time, Will.'
I picked up a picture frame that held a photo of my tanned parents on vacation. 'Seems as good as any.'
'You don't know anything about my parents.'
'I'd like to,' I said.
She turned her back to me. 'You've worked with runaways,' she said.
'So?'
'You know how bad it can be.'
I did. I thought again about her slightly off-center features the nose, for example, with the telltale bump and wondered. 'I also know it's worse if you don't talk about it.'
'I've talked about it, Will.' 'Not with me.'
'You're not my therapist.'
'I'm the man you love.'
'Yes.' She turned to me. 'But not now, okay? Please.'
I had no response to that one, but perhaps she was right. My fingers were absently toying with the picture frame. And that was when it happened.
The photograph in the frame slid a little.
I looked down. Another photograph started peeking out from underneath. I moved the top one a little farther. A hand appeared in the bottom photograph. I tried pushing it some more, but it wouldn't go. My finger found the clips on back. I slid them to the side and let the back of the frame drop to the bed. Two photographs floated down behind it.
One the top one was of my parents on a cruise, looking happy and healthy and relaxed in a way I barely remember them ever being. But it was the second photograph, the hidden one, that caught my eye.
The red-stamped date on the bottom was from less than two years ago. The picture was taken atop a field or hill or something. I saw no houses in the background, just snowcapped mountains like something from the opening scene of The Sound of Music. The man in the picture wore shorts and a backpack and sunglasses and scuffed hiking boots. His smile was familiar. So was his face, though it was more lined now. His hair was longer. His beard had gray in it. But there was no mistake.
The man in the picture was my brother, Ken.
2
My father was alone on the back patio. Night had fallen. He sat very still and stared out at the black. As I came up behind him, a jarring memory rocked me.
About four months after Julie's murder, I found my father in the basement with his back to me just like this. He thought that the house was empty. Resting in his right palm was his Ruger, a.22 caliber gun. He cradled the weapon tenderly, as though it were a small animal, and I never felt so frightened in my entire life. I stood there, frozen. He kept his eyes on the gun. After a few long minutes, I quickly tiptoed to the top of the stairs and faked like I'd just come in. By the time I trudged down the steps, the weapon was gone.
I didn't leave his side for a week.
I slipped now through the sliding glass door. 'Hey,' I said to him.
He spun around, his face already breaking into a wide smile. He always had one for me. 'Hey, Will,' he said, the gravel voice turning tender. Dad was always happy to see his children. Before all this happened, my father was a fairly popular man. People liked him. He was friendly and dependable, if not a little gruff, which just made him seem all the more dependable. But while my father might smile at you, he didn't care a lick. His world was his family. No one else mattered to him. The suffering of strangers and even friends never really reached him a sort of family-centered ness
I sat in the lounge chair next to him, not sure how to raise the subject. I took a few deep breaths and listened to him do the same. I felt wonderfully safe with him. He might be older and more withered, and by now I was the taller, stronger man but I knew that if trouble surfaced, he'd still step up and take the hit for me.
And that I'd still slip back and let him.
'Have to cut that branch back,' he said, pointing into the dark.
I couldn't see it. 'Yeah,' I said.
The light from the sliding glass doors hit his profile. The anger had dissolved now, and the shattered look had returned. Sometimes I think that he had indeed tried to step up and take the hit when Julie died, but it had
