I? Where did I come from? Why am I alone? Was I always here? Will I always be here? These thoughts don't merely fill my mind. They are my mind. There's no time as we know it, only the questions changing from one to another. Eventually, the questions resolve into a single mantra: Where did I come from? Where did I come from? I'm a brain-damaged man sitting in a room for eternity, asking one question of the darkness.
'Don't you see?' Rachel had said. 'You haven't fully dealt with the deaths of your wife and daughter. Their loss cut you off from the world, and from yourself. You are damaged. You are wounded. The man walking around in the world of light is an act. The real David
Tennant is sitting in that dark room, unable to think or feel. No one feels his grief or his pain.'
“That's not it,' I told her. 'I did a psychiatry rotation, for God's sake. This isn't unresolved grief.'
She sighed and shook her head. 'Doctors always make the worst patients.'
A week later, I told her the dream had changed. “There's something in the room with me now.'
'What is it?'
'I don't know. I can't see it.' 'But you know it's there?'
'Yes.'
'Is it a person?'
'No. It's very small. A sphere, floating in space. A black golf ball floating in the dark.' 'How do you know it's there?'
'It's like a deeper darkness at the center of the dark. And it pulls at me.'
'Pulls how?'
'I don't know. Like gravity. Emotional gravity. But I know this. It knows the answer to my questions. It knows who I am and why I'm stuck in that dark room.'
And so it went, with slight variations, until the dream changed again. When it did, it changed profoundly. One night, while reading at home, I 'went under' in the usual way. I found myself sitting in the familiar lightless room, asking my question of the black ball. Then, with¬out warning, the ball exploded into retina-scorching light. After so much darkness, the striking of a match would have seemed an explosion, but this was no match. It blasted outward in all directions with the magnitude of a hydrogen bomb. Only this explosion did not suck back into itself and blossom into a mushroom cloud. It expanded with infinite power and speed, and I had the horrifying sense of being devoured by it, devoured but not destroyed. As the blinding light consumed the dark¬ness, which was me, I somehow knew that this could go on for billions of years without destroying me altogether. Yet still I was afraid.
Rachel didn't know what to make of this dream. Over the next three weeks, she listened as I described the births of stars and galaxies, their lives and deaths: black holes, supernovas, flashes of nebulae like powdered diamonds flung into the blackness, planets born and dying. I seemed to see from one end of the universe to the other, all objects at once as they expanded into me at the speed of light.
'Have you seen images like these before?' she asked me. 'In waking life?'
'How could I?'
'Have you seen photographs taken by the Hubble space telescope?'
'Of course.'
'They're very much like what you're describing.'
Frustration crept into my voice. 'You don't under¬stand. I'm not just seeing this. I'm feeling it. The way I might feel watching children, or combat, or lovers together. It's not merely a visual display.'
'Go on.'
That was what she always said. I closed my eyes and submerged myself in my most recent dream.
'I'm watching a planet. Hovering above it. There are clouds, but not as we know them. They're green like acid, and tortured by storms. I'm diving now, diving down through the clouds, like a satellite image zooming in to ground level. There's an ocean below, but it's not blue. It's red, and boiling. I plunge through its surface, deep into the red. I'm looking for something, but it's not there. This ocean is empty.'
'A lot of things came to me when you described that,' Rachel said. 'The color imagery first. Red could be important. The empty ocean is a symbol of barren¬ness, which expresses your aggrieved state.' She hesi¬tated. 'What are you looking for in that ocean?'
'I don't know.'
'I think you do.'
'I'm not looking for Karen and Zooey.'
'David.' A hint of irritation in her voice. 'If you don't think these images are symbolic, why are you here?'
I opened my eyes and looked at her perfectly com¬posed face. A curtain of professionalism obscured her empathy, but I saw the truth. She was projecting her sense of loss about her own family onto me.
'I'm here because I can't find answers on my own,' I said. 'Because I've read a mountain of books, and they haven't helped.'
She nodded gravely. 'How do you remember the hal¬lucinations in such detail? Do you write them down when you wake up?'
'No. They aren't like normal dreams, where the harder you try to remember, the less you can. These are indelible. Isn't that a feature of narcoleptic dreams?'
'Yes,' she said softly. 'All right. Karen and Zooey died in water. They both drowned. Karen probably bled a good bit from her hands, and where she hit her head on the steering wheel. That would give us red water.' Rachel reclined her chair and looked at the ceiling tiles. 'These hallucinations have no people in them, yet you experience strong emotional reactions. You mentioned combat. Have you ever been in combat?'
'No.'
'But you know that Karen fought to save Zooey. She fought to stay alive. You told me that.'
I shut my eyes. I didn't like to think about that part of it, but sometimes I couldn't banish the thoughts. When Karen's car flipped into the pond, it had landed on its roof and sunk into a foot of soft mud. The electric win¬dows shorted out, and the doors were impossible to open. Broken bones in Karen's hands and feet testified to the fury with which she had fought to smash the win¬dows. She was a small woman, not physically strong, but she had not given up. A paramedic from the accident scene told me that when the car was finally winched out of the muck and its doors opened, he found her in the backseat, one arm wrapped tightly around Zooey, the other arm floating free, that hand shattered and lacer¬ated over the knuckles.
What had happened was clear. As water filled the car and Karen fought to break the windows, Zooey had pan¬icked. Anyone would, and especially a child. At that point, some mothers would have kept fighting while their child screamed in terror. Others would have comforted their child and prayed for help to come. But Karen had pulled Zooey tight against her, promised her that every¬thing was going to be all right, and then with her feet fought to her last breath to escape the waterbound coffin. For her to cling to Zooey while suffering the agony of anoxia testified to a love stronger than terror, and that knowledge had helped bring me some peace.
'Green clouds and a red ocean have nothing to do with a car accident five years ago,' I said.
'No? Then I think you should tell me more about your childhood.'
'It's not relevant.'
'You can't know that,' Rachel insisted.
'I do.'
'Tell me about your work, then.'
'I teach medical ethics.'
'You took a leave of absence over a year ago.'
I whipped my head toward her and opened my eyes. 'How do you know that?'
'I heard it at the hospital.'
'Who said it?'
'I don't remember. I overheard it. You're very well known in the medical community. Physicians at Duke refer to your book all the time. They did at New York Presbyterian, too. So, is it true? Did you take a leave of absence from the medical school?'
'Let's stick to the dreams, okay? It's safer for both of us.'
'Safer how?'
I didn't answer.
By the next week's appointment, the dreams had changed again.
