balance, recovered and took the glass to the sink, rinsed it out, and poured another drink, marvelling at the way the juice dropped into the clear, oily vodka. Yes, that looked good. And it tasted good it tasted so good that she swallowed it whole and quickly poured another. Through the door she could see the stupid little sculptures lined up in the studio. 'Your work!' she said out loud, holding up the glass, toasting them. They make the place look like a bloody sex shop. She should smash them all to pieces a grand gesture an artistic gesture. Yes! She finished the drink, put the glass down, and walked decisively, in a perfect straight line, to the studio, only swaying once, pleased at how sober she was. But by the time she'd got to the door she'd forgotten what she was going to do. She stood there for a moment, her hands on the doorposts, trying to remember where she was headed and, when she couldn't remember, turned, shaking her head silly cow went back to the kitchen table and picked up the vodka bottle. She'd had a lot already, she thought, holding the bottle up to the light, and she supposed she really shouldn't have another. But this is different, she told herself, quite different.
She took the next drink into the bathroom, a little unsteady now that the vodka was taking effect, and stood in front of the mirror. 'Cheers,' she said to her reflection. 'Here's to you and Jack.' She downed the vodka in three swallows, banging the glass carelessly against her teeth. I will survive, she thought, feeling immediately sick and closing her eyes, resting her hand on the sink, taking deep breaths. What? Did you really want to end up hitched to a cop} Coffee mornings with the other wives, whingeing about the hours you spend on your own, and maybe, if you're lucky, a couple of brandies with your husband in the golf-club bar on a Sunday? When she looked up the room had stopped swaying and her own stupid face was staring back at her. 'Oh, just go away.' She flapped her hand at the mirror. 'Go away.' She bent over the sink to rinse out the glass, but there must have been something on her fingers, because now the glass was slipping out of her grip and although she made a grab for it her fingers didn't seem to be working properly, and instead of catching it she just knocked it sideways against the tap. It rebounded and shattered in the sink.
She stood for a moment staring at it, the noise still moving around her skull. Shit, Becky, you're drunk. She went into the kitchen and made a drink in a fresh glass. You need to be careful with the vodka. She didn't want a hangover, so after this one she was going to stop. The fridge, she thought, distractedly, why is the fridge so loud? And then she thought, You must clear up the glass, or you'll cut yourself. She put the drink down, determined to stop with the vodka now now, before you do something stupid got newspaper from under the sink to put the glass in, and hurried back into the bathroom, quick, too quick, sliding on something, and before she had time to realize what was happening she was on the floor, on her bottom on the floor, the newspaper still clutched in her hand.
She sat there for a moment, blinking at the wall like a doll with moving eyelids, wondering if she was going to laugh about it. She should laugh about it. She should laugh about it and then she should get up, but she didn't have the energy and the room was spinning. Get up, Becky, get up.
She roused herself, groping upwards for the towel-rail, pulling herself up off the floor, head still whirling. She was going to clear up the glass and then have a Horlicks and go to bed and she'd be OK, but the towel-rail came away in her hand, snowing plaster down and dropping her back on to the floor, her head banging on the bath. And there she stopped, propped up against the bath, one leg tucked under her body, her hair all over her face, and began to sob.
It had been one of the Russian 'Lolita' websites that did it. The name Lolita. From his time in Vice he remembered a seized set of the infamous Rodox/ Colour Climax Lolita videos. For Lolita 1-12 the Dutch dealers had been careful to export the videotape cracked out of its casing so it didn't X-ray as a cassette and arouse the suspicions of customs or post-office workers. Mainstream porn often came into the country like this. But Caffery wondered if Penderecki had gone one step further.
Hunched over the videos like an East End jeweller, cigarette in his mouth, glasses all the way down his nose, carefully he unscrewed the plastic casing. The shell cracked he opened it cautiously, like a precious book, lifting out the white plastic spools. He put the cigarette in the ashtray and gently pressed the tape between his lips, soft- biting it. When he opened his mouth the tape had stuck to the top lip. This was exactly what he'd betted on: the mylar coating was on the inside. The tape had been taken off its spool, flipped over and rewound.
He dug in the Swiss Army knife, released the little white clip from the spool and flipped the tape over. It took him twenty minutes to respool it, a roll-up wedged between his teeth, the G and T dwindling in the mug. And this stray end in here on this spool. He inserted it in the casing and tightened up the little screws. He pushed the tape in the VCR and aimed the remote control at it.
'There isn't much that's surprising in kiddie porn,' one of the 'dirty squad' had told him in the eighties. 'Once you get over the fact that it's kids, then it's not all that much different from adult porn. Of course, getting over the fact that it's kids is the trick. If you can't do that you're buggered. Pardon the expression.'
Caffery prepared himself, sat himself down and waited for the feelings, the panic, the sadness, to come at him. And they did: as he watched the videotapes all the feelings came back, only this time they were duller. And this time he found himself irritated by them. There you go, he thought throwing down the Army knife, you're almost resigned to it.
Where did all these children come from, he wondered. Where were they now? This small blonde girl he was looking at, she could have only been about three foot tall, standing in front of a pink and gold painted dressing- table, scalloped ankle socks on, her hair in bunches. Who was she? Where was she now? What had they said to convince her that it was right and good to smile and hold her legs open for the camera?
He sat through poorly lit scenes in trailers, hotel bedrooms, one on a balcony in broad sunlight flags on a golf course visible in the distance. Slowly he began to realize exactly what he'd stumbled on to: these videos weren't porn for Penderecki's personal use, they were more serious than that. They were first-generation tapes, he was sure of it: the quality and the manner in which they had been stored suggested they were master tapes. Caffery thought that he'd come smack bang to the coal-face of a paedophile ring. This was their payload, stored by Penderecki next to the railway track.
'Fuck.'
He stood up, windmilling his arms, trying to get rid of the crick in his neck. He lit another cigarette and paced the office, smoking and staring at the screen. What he should do at this point was call the paedophile unit. What he should do was call Souness at home, wake her up, get Paulina on the phone. But Penderecki had sent him these tapes for a reason. He put out the cigarette and went into the incident room, locked the door to the passageway and came back to the office. The tapes were staying with him, he decided, until he knew what message or what torment Penderecki intended him to get from them.
Eleven twenty-minute tapes. Almost four hours. They seemed to constitute only five different episodes, some spanning more than three tapes, and he sensed from the quality and changing clothes styles that the sessions had taken place over ten or more years. He worked into the night, letting one play as he re spooled the next. A one- man assembly line: spooling, watching, spooling, watching.
By 6 a.m. he had watched all the tapes and there was only one that he wanted to see again. It was possibly the most shocking of the tapes, for the simple reason that the abuser who leaned on the creaking fake leather sofa to unzip and fellate a boy of, Caffery guessed, about eleven, was a woman. She had been in four other tapes, but this one was the one he pushed back into the VCR and rewound.
When Benedicte could cry no longer she lay on the floor, on her back, in a straight line next to the radiator so that her ankle wasn't bent, and imagined she was still a child, her mother's face above hers, downy and warm as the underside of a wing, smiling as she bent over for a goodnight kiss. She thought about Josh, little Josh, when he was a baby, so new that part of her had been jealous that she would never be so new again. And Hal picking Josh up and holding him above his head and waggling him, his fat little legs wiggling with delight as if he could swim through the air. Nights when he had a fever, Hal rolling a glass over the rash terrified that meningitis would come and steal him away. They'd always known there were black holes in the world: Sarah Payne; Jason Swift; a little boy knocked over by a truck in Camberwell; another falling from a fourteen-storey high-rise. She thought of him sprawled out in front of the telly, picking a scab on his knee, and all she could think was how much she wanted to take his socks off and kiss his little toes. He could walk all over the house in his muddy boots, he could scribble on the walls, put footballs through every window in the house, steal her life, shout abuse at her if only she could see him again just once. If only she could smell his hair again. Just once.
A little before dawn Benedicte fell asleep in spite of herself, a fevered, infected sleep with lights in her brain and voices careening around her skull.
In Croydon the bottom of the sky, jagged between the skyscrapers, had brightened to a cool opal. It was
