return.
As I walk to the apartment, my anger blisters the pavement with every step. A woman curled up under a pile of dirty blankets peers out as I pass and instinctively shrinks back into her nest. As I round the corner, two men step out and size up my prospects as prey. I resist the urge to snarl at them, but just barely. I walk faster and they seem to decide I'm not worth chasing.
I shouldn't be here. I should be home in bed, not prowling downtown Toronto at four a.m. A normal woman wouldn't be here. It's yet another reminder that I'm not normal. Not normal. I look down the darkened street and I can read a billet on a telephone post fifty feet off. Not normal. I catch a whiff of fresh bread from a bakery starting production miles away. Not normal. I stop by a storefront, grab a bar over the windows, and flex my biceps. The metal groans in my hand. Not normal. Not normal. I chant the words in my head, flagellating myself with them. The anger only grows.
Outside my apartment door, I stop and inhale deeply. I mustn't wake Philip. And if I do, I mustn't let him see me like this. I don't need a mirror to know what I look like: skin taut, color high, eyes incandescent with the rage that always seems to follow a Change now. Definitely not normal.
When I finally enter the apartment, I hear his measured breathing from the bedroom. Still asleep. I'm nearly to the bathroom when his breathing catches.
'Elena?' His voice is a sleep-stuffed croak.
'Just going to the washroom.'
I try to slip past the doorway, but he's sitting up, peering nearsightedly at me. He frowns.
'Fully dressed?' he says.
'I went out.'
A moment of silence. He runs a hand through his dark hair and sighs. 'It's not safe. Damn it, Elena. We've discussed this. Wake me up and I'll go with you.'
'I need to be alone. To think.'
'It's not safe.'
'I know. I'm sorry.'
I creep into the bathroom, spending longer than necessary. I pretend to use the toilet, wash my hands with enough water to fill a Jacuzzi, then find a fingernail that needs elaborate filing attention. When I finally decide Philip has fallen back asleep, I head for the bedroom. The bedside lamp is on. He's propped on his pillow, glasses in place. I hesitate in the doorway. I can't bring myself to cross the threshold, to go and crawl into bed with him. I hate myself for it, but I can't do it. The memory of the night lingers and I feel out of place here.
When I don't move, Philip shifts his legs over the side of the bed and sits up.
'I didn't mean to snap,' he says. 'I worry. I know you need your freedom and I'm trying-'
He stops and rubs his hand across his mouth. His words slice through me. I know he doesn't mean them as a reprimand, but they are a reminder that I'm screwing this up, that I'm fortunate to have found someone as patient and understanding as Philip, but I'm wearing through that patience at breakneck speed and all I seem capable of doing is standing back and waiting for the final crash.
'I know you need your freedom,' he says again. 'But there has to be some other way. Maybe you could go out in the morning, early. If you prefer night, we could drive down to the lake. You could walk around. I could sit in the car and keep an eye on you. Maybe I could walk with you. Stay twenty paces behind or something.' He manages a wry smile. 'Or maybe not. I'd probably get picked up by the cops, the middle-aged guy stalking the beautiful young blonde.'
He pauses, then leans forward. 'That's your cue, Elena. You're supposed to remind me that forty-one is far from middle-aged.'
'We'll work something out,' I say.
We can't, of course. I have to run under the cover of night and I have to do it alone. There is no compromise.
As he sits on the edge of the bed, watching me, I know we're doomed. My only hope is to make this relationship so otherwise perfect that Philip might come to overlook our one insurmountable problem. To do that, my first step should be to go to him, crawl in bed, kiss him and tell him I love him. But I can't. Not tonight. Tonight I'm something else, something he doesn't know and couldn't understand. I don't want to go to him like this.
'I'm not tired,' I say. 'I might as well stay up. Do you want breakfast?'
He looks at me. Something in his expression falters and I know I've failed-again. But he doesn't say anything. He pulls his smile back in place. 'Let's go out. Someplace in this city has to be open this early. We'll drive around until we find it. Drink five cups of coffee and watch the sun come up. Okay?'
I nod, not trusting myself to speak.
'Shower first?' he says. 'Or flip for it?'
'You go ahead.'
He kisses my cheek as he passes. I wait until I hear the shower running, then head for the kitchen. Sometimes I get so hungry.
Human
I stood at the door before ringing the bell. It was Mothers Day and I was standing at a door holding a present, which would have been quite normal if it was a present for my mother. But my mother was long dead and I didn't keep in touch with any of my foster mothers, let alone bring them gifts. The present was for Philip's mother. Again, this would have been very normal if Philip had been there with me. He wasn't. He'd called from his office an hour ago to say he couldn't get away. Did I want to go alone? Or would I rather wait for him? I'd opted to go and now stood there wondering if that was the right decision. Did a woman visit her boyfriend's mother on Mother's Day without said boyfriend? Maybe I was trying too hard. It wouldn't be the first time.
Human rules confounded me. It wasn't as if I'd been raised in a cave. Before I became a werewolf, I'd already learned the basic mechanics: how to hail a taxi, operate an elevator, apply for a bank account, all the minutiae of human life. The problem came with human interactions. My childhood had been pretty screwed up. Then, when I'd been on the cusp of becoming an adult, I'd been bitten and spent the next nine years of my life with other werewolves. Even during those years, I hadn't been locked away from the human world. I'd gone back to university, traveled with the others, even taken on jobs. But they'd always been there, for support and protection and companionship. I hadn't needed to make it on my own. I hadn't needed to make friends or take lovers or go to lunch with coworkers. So, I hadn't. Last year, when I broke with the others and came back to Toronto alone, I thought fitting in would be the least of my concerns. How tough could it be? I'd just take the basics I'd learned from childhood, mix in the adult conversational skills I'd learned with the others, toss in a dash of caution and voila, I'd be making friends and chatting up new acquaintances in no time. Hah!
Was it too late to leave? I didn't want to leave. Taking a deep breath, I rang the doorbell. Moments later, a flurry of footsteps erupted inside. Then a round-faced woman with graying brown hair answered.
'Elena!' Diane said, throwing the door open. 'Mom, Elena's here. Is Philip parking the car? I can't believe how packed the street is. Everyone out visiting.'
'Actually, Philip's not-uh-with me. He had to work, but he'll be along soon.'
'Working? On a Sunday? Have a talk with him, girl.' Diane braced the door open. 'Come in, come in. Everyone's here.'
Philip's mother, Anne, appeared from behind his sister. She was tiny, not even reaching my chin, with a sleek iron gray pageboy.
'Still ringing the doorbell, dear?' she said, reaching up to hug me. 'Only salesmen ring the bell. Family walks right in.'
'Philip will be late,' Diane said. 'He's working.'
Anne made a noise in her throat and ushered me inside. Philips father, Larry, was in the kitchen pilfering pastries from a tray.
'Those are for dessert, Dad,' Anne said, shooing him away.
Larry greeted me with a one-armed hug, the other hand still clutching a brownie. 'So where's-'
