to, and ultimately betrayed. When I realized where Clay was headed for lunch that day, I balked. I thought up a dozen excuses and a dozen alternate places to eat. But none of them reached my mouth. Remembering what he'd said about Stonehaven, I was too embarrassed to admit I didn't want to go to the university. It was only a place, a 'pile of bricks and mortar.' Maybe there was more to it than embarrassment, though. Maybe I didn't want to admit how much emotional resonance that particular brick and mortar pile held for me. Maybe I didn't want him to know how much I remembered and how much I cared. So I said nothing.
We sat on benches beside University College. Exams were finishing up and only a handful of students sauntered around King's College Circle, the rush of classes a fading memory. A group of young men played touch football inside the circle, spring jackets and knapsacks abandoned in a heap near the goalpost. As we ate, Clay talked about his paper on jaguar cults in South America and my mind floated backward, remembering past conversations under these trees, between these buildings. I could picture Clay all those years before, sitting at a picnic table across the road in Queen's Park, eating lunch and talking, his focus so completely on the two of us that Frisbees could whiz over his head and he'd never notice. He always sat in the same pose, legs stretched out until his feet hooked behind mine beneath the table, hands moving constantly, flexing and emphasizing, as if some part of him always had to be moving. His voice sounded the same, now so familiar that I could follow the beat in my head, predicting each change of tone, each note of accentuation.
Even back then, he'd wanted to know my thoughts and opinions on everything. No flitting of my young mind was too trivial or boring for him. In time, I'd told him about my past, my aspirations, my fears, my hopes, and my insecurities, all the things I'd never imagined sharing with anyone. I'd always been afraid of opening up to anyone. I'd wanted to be a strong, independent woman, not some damaged waif with a background straight out of the worst Dickensian melodrama. I hid my background or, if someone found out, pretended it hadn't made a difference, hadn't affected me. With Clay, all that had changed. I'd wanted him to know everything about me, so I could be sure he knew what I was and that he loved me anyway. He'd listened and he'd stayed. More than that, he'd reciprocated. He'd told me about his childhood, losing his parents in some trauma he couldn't remember, being adopted, not fitting in at school, being ridiculed and shunned, getting into trouble and being expelled so often he seemed to go through schools the way I'd gone through foster parents. He'd told me so much that I'd been sure I knew him completely. Then I'd found out how wrong I'd been. Sometimes that deception hurt worse than being bitten.
Turbulence
When Philip returned from work, it was past midnight. Clay and I were watching a late movie. I was stretched out on the couch. Clay was on the recliner, hogging the popcorn. Philip walked in, stood behind the sofa, and watched the screen for a few minutes.
'Horror?' he said. 'You know, I haven't seen a horror flick since I was in university.' He walked around the couch and sat beside me. 'What's this one?'
'No, no. Leave it.' He looked at Clay. 'You like horror films?'
Clay was silent a moment, then grunted something noncommittal.
'Clay's not keen on horror,' I said. 'Too much violence. He's very squeamish. I have to switch channels if things get gory.'
Clay snorted.
'This one's pure camp,' I said to Philip. 'It's a sequel. Horror sequels suck.'
'That's an exception only because the writers knew that sequels suck and played it up.'
'Uh-uh,' Clay said. 'The idea-' He stopped, glanced at Philip who was following our conversation like a Ping- Pong tournament, and stuffed a handful of popcorn into his mouth.
'Pass it over,' I said.
'I bought it.'
'And cooked it in my microwave. Pass it.'
'There's two more bags in the kitchen.'
'I want that one. Pass it over.'
He tossed the bowl onto the table and booted it toward me with his foot.
'It's empty!' I said.
Philip laughed. 'I can tell you two knew each other as kids.'
Silence ticked by. Then Clay heaved himself to his feet.
'I'll be in the shower,' he said.
The next day was Saturday. Philip went golfing, leaving before I woke up. Golf was one sport I avoided. It demanded too little of me physically and too much behaviorally. Last fall, I'd agreed to try it, so Philip gave me two lists of course rules. One was on how to play the sport. The other was on how to dress and behave while playing the sport. Now, I was well aware that certain sports required certain modes of dress for protection, but I failed to see how wearing a sleeveless blouse on the course qualified as a safety hazard. God forbid the sight of my bare shoulders should send male golfers into a tizzy, knocking balls everywhere. I had enough to worry about in life without measuring the length of my shorts to see if they complied to course standards. Besides, after a couple rounds with Philip, I discovered golf really wasn't my thing. Whacking the hell out of a ball was great for working off aggression, but apparently it wasn't the point of the game. So Philip golfed. I didn't.
After golf, the three of us went out for lunch, undoubtedly marking the first time in ten years that I haven't enjoyed a meal. For twenty excruciating minutes, Philip tried to engage Clay in conversation. He'd have had better luck addressing his salad. To save him, I started a running monologue, which I then had to sustain until the bill arrived, thirty-eight minutes and twenty seconds later. At that point, Clay miraculously regained his voice, suggesting that we walk back to the apartment, knowing full well that we'd brought Philip's car, which meant Philip would have to drive back alone. Before I could argue, Philip suddenly remembered he had some work to do at the office, so if we didn't mind walking back, he'd drive straight there. This agreed, both men bolted for the exit like escaping convicts, leaving me to scrounge up the tip.
Sunday morning, while Philip golfed, Clay and I did the boring weekly chores like cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping. When we returned from getting groceries, there was a message from Philip on the machine. I called him back.
'How was your game?' I asked when he answered.
'Not good. I was calling about dinner.'
'You're not going to make it?'
'Actually, I wanted to ask you out for dinner. Something nice,' He paused. 'Just the two of us.'
'Great.'
'That's not a problem?'
'Not at all. Clay can fend for himself. He hates fancy meals. Besides, he didn't bring any dress-up clothes.'
'What does he wear for interviews?'
Whoops. 'It's academic,' I said. 'Very laid-back.'
'Good.' Another pause. 'After dinner I thought we could take in a show. Maybe find half-price same-day tickets to something.'
'Might not be easy on a holiday weekend, but we can manage something.'
