I couldn't say the same, so I said, 'It's been educational.'
'That only adds to my delight.'
'By the way, Mr Melzer, did you happen to hear anything regarding how the IRS discovered this oversight on my part?'
'I did make some inquiries regarding that very question. I did not receive any direct answers, but we can assume this was not a random examination of your past tax returns.'
'Can we then assume that someone was out to make difficulties for me?'
'Mr Sutter, I told you, you are not popular with the IRS.' 'But I have not been popular with the IRS since I began beating them at their game twenty years ago. Why would they examine my return now?' 'Oh, I think they knew about this oversight of yours for years, Mr Sutter. They like to see the interest and penalties accumulate.'
'I see.' But I found that hard to believe, even of the Internal Revenue Service. They were tough but generally honest, even going so far as to return money that you didn't know you overpaid them.
'However,' Mr Melzer continued, 'I would not pursue that if I were you.' He added, 'Or you will be needing me again.'
'Mr Melzer, I will never need you again. And I am not intimidated by any agency of the government. If I believe I've been singled out for persecution, I will certainly pursue the matter.'
Mr Melzer let a moment pass, then said, 'Mr Sutter, if I may be blunt, your type of man is nearly extinct. Accept your loss, swallow your pride, and go live your life, my friend. No good will come of your trying to take on forces more powerful than yourself.'
'I enjoy fighting the good fight.'
'As you wish.' He added, 'By the way, I would still like to call on you for your professional advice if I may. Your work for me would be strictly confidential, of course.'
'Better yet, it will be nonexistent. Good day.'
Well, things always seem to work out, don't they? The very next day, on one of my rare appearances in my Wall Street office, there was a phone call for me. It was a Mr Weber, a realtor in East Hampton, informing me that he had good news. He had, in fact, a bid of $390,000 for my little summer cottage. 'That is not good news at all,' I informed him.
'Mr Sutter, the market has fallen to pieces. This is the only serious offer we've had, and this guy's looking around at other houses right now.' 'I'll call you back.' I then phoned every other realtor who had the house listed and listened to an earful of bad news and excuses. I called Susan, since she is joint owner of the house, but as usual, she wasn't fin. That woman needs a pager, a car phone, a CB radio for her horse, and a cowbell. I called Weber back. 'I'll split the difference between asking and bid. Get him up to four hundred and forty-five.'
'I'll try.'
Mr Weber called me back in a half hour, making me wonder if his customer wasn't actually sitting in his office. Weber said, The prospective buyer will split the difference with you again, making his final offer $417,500. I suggest you take that, Mr Sutter, because -' The housing market is soft, the summer is waning, and the stock market is down sixteen and a quarter today. Thank you, Mr Weber.'
'Well, I just want you to know the facts.'
Mr Weber, by now, could smell his commission, which I figured at six percent to be about twenty-five thousand dollars. I said, 'I want four and a quarter for me, so you'll give me the difference from your commission.' There was silence on the phone as Mr Weber, who had been smelling prime ribs, realized he was being offered T-bone or nothing. He cleared his throat as Mr Melzer had done and said, 'That's do-able.'
'Then do it.' Normally, I would be more aggressive in real estate deals and also with the IRS. But I didn't have much strength from which to bargain. In face, unbeknownst to Mr Weber, I had none, and time was running out. Mr Weber said, 'It's done. Did I tell you that the buyer wants to rent the house starting immediately? No? Well, he does. He wants to use it for all of August. He's offering a hundred a day until closing. I know you could get more now in high season, but it's part of the deal, so I suggest -' 'His name isn't Melzer, is it?'
'No. Name's Carleton. Dr Carleton. He's a psychiatrist in the city. Park Avenue. They don't see patients in August, you know, and he has a wife and two kids, so he wants -' 'My family wants to use the house in August, Mr Weber.' 'It's a deal breaker, Mr Sutter. He insists.'
'Well, in that case, I had better make new summer plans, hadn't I? Perhaps I'll go down to the town dump and slug rats with a rake.' 'Actually, I could find you another rental out here -' 'Never mind. Do it your way and Dr Carleton's way.' 'Yes, sir. Dr Carleton really likes the house. The furniture, too.'
'How much?'
'Another ten. Cash.'
'Fine. Did he see the picture of my wife and kids in the den?' Mr Weber chuckled. Making deals was fun. I said, 'If this bonzo is trying to pull off a cheap summer rental, I'll hang his balls over my mantel.' 'Sir?'
'Get a one percent binder, now. Today. And I want to go to contract in a week with twenty percent down.'
'A week? But -'
'I'll fax you a contract this afternoon. You get this guy in high gear, Mr Weber. If there are any problems, get back to me pronto.' 'Yes, sir.' He asked, 'Are you looking to buy any other property out east?'
'What do you have east of Montauk Point?'
'Ocean.'
'How much?'
'It's free, Mr Sutter.'
'I'll take it.' I hung up. Madonn', when the shit happens, it happens. Well, I thought, I broke even today. Not bad for a man who's only in his mid-forties. I took the train home that evening and met Susan at McGlade's for dinner, as we'd planned that morning. I explained the deal to her and said, 'I tried to call you to get your approval.' Which was more than Frank Bellarosa did when he bought Alhambra without mentioning it to his wife.
Susan didn't seem to care about the sale. But you never know with women. To paraphrase what Churchill said about the Germans, 'Women are either at your feet or at your throat.'
Anyway, I had my calculator out and I was doing some number-crunching over my third gin and tonic. 'So, we pay the IRS, we pay Melzer, we pay the real estate commission, we satisfy the existing mortgage, we damned sure put money aside for the capital gains tax since we're not buying another house, and we add in the ten thousand for the furniture and about three thousand for rent, and deduct the taxes on that as though it were income to play it safe… then, let's see, we factor in some out-of-pocket expenses…' Susan was yawning. The rich are bored by money talk. I scratched some figures on my place mat. 'Well, I think we cleared ninety-three bucks.' I thought a moment, then said, 'A potential half-million-dollar asset wiped out.' I looked at Susan. 'What does the government do with all my money?' 'Can we order dinner?'
'I can't afford it. I'll drink.' I played around with the numbers again, but I still couldn't afford solid food, so I ordered another gin and tonic. Susan said, 'Oh, by the way, are you figuring in the twenty thousand dollars you owe me?'
I looked up at her. 'Excuse me, Mrs Sutter, this is a joint liability.' 'Well, I know that, John. But it wasn't my fault.' Understand, please, this woman needs twenty thousand dollars like I need to move another stable across the property. I cleared my throat, the way Messrs Melzer and Weber had done. 'Why are you bringing that up?'
'My attorneys want to know -'
'Your father.'
'Well… I don't really care about the money. But it's not a good habit to get into. I mean, mingling assets.'
'We mingle my assets. Look, Susan, rest assured I have no claim on your property, even if we do occasionally mingle assets. You have a very tight marriage contract. I'm a lawyer. Trust me.'
'I do, John, but… I don't actually need to have the money, but I do need a sort of promissory note. That's what my… lawyers said.'
'All right.' I scribbled an IOU for $20,000 on the place mat, signed and dated it, and pushed it across the table. 'It's legal. Just ignore the part about lunch, and dinner, and cocktails, steaks and chops.'
'You needn't be so touchy. You're a lawyer. You understand -' 'I understand that I've given your father free legal services for nearly two decades. I understand that I paid half the cost for the moving of your stable -' 'Your
