“Memorize this phone number. Five zero four, eight zero two, nine nine four one. Do you have it?”
I repeat the number aloud and commit it to memory.
“If you need to speak to me after this,” Malik says, “leave a message at that number.”
“I want to speak to you now, and not about your film.”
“Hurry.”
“Why did you tell me not to trust my family?”
“I’m trying to protect you.”
“From what?”
Malik sighs as if unsure whether he can spare the time to talk to me. “Families like yours are made up of three types of people. Offenders, deniers, and victims. Every family member plays one of these roles. When a victim begins digging into her past and making assertions of abuse, the other family members become paranoid. Their interest is maintaining the status quo. You threaten that. The emotions that swirl around sexual abuse frequently spill over into family violence.”
“That’s shrink-speak, Doctor. I’ve heard enough of it to know. You have specific information about my family. About my father. Why are you keeping it from me?”
“I’m not your therapist, Catherine.”
“I want you to be. I’ll meet you somewhere for a session.”
“You don’t need to speak to me alone. You need a group. And my days as a practicing psychiatrist are clearly over.”
“Why do I need a group?”
“Because your problem is sexual abuse. One of the main elements of the abusive relationship is secrecy. A one-on-one relationship with a therapist can mirror the primary abusive relationship. In group therapy, that cycle of secrecy is broken.”
“Look,
“You want a session? Keep my film for me. You’d be doing yourself a favor, too.”
I’m tempted. I want to see what Malik really did behind the closed doors of his office. But the FBI could be listening to this call. “I’d like to see it, but I can’t promise I’ll keep it for you.”
“Then we have no reason to meet.”
“Why the hell would you meet me anyway? I could bring the FBI with me. Why would you risk that?”
“There’s no risk. I do know things about your father, Catherine. I know why he was murdered. And if you bring the FBI with you, I’ll never tell.”
For once, I’m a step ahead of Malik. “I already know why my father was killed.”
“You don’t. You don’t know anything.”
My heart flutters like the wings of a panicked bird. “Why are you playing games with me? I just want the truth.”
Malik’s voice drops lower. “You already know the truth, Catherine. It’s written indelibly in the convolutions of your brain. You just have to peel away everything that’s laid over it.”
“How do I do that?”
“You’re already doing it. Just follow the memories where they lead. The truth will set you free.”
“I can’t wait for that! Someone’s trying to kill me.”
Malik sighs deeply. “Why were you having panic attacks at the crime scenes in New Orleans?”
“I don’t know. Do you?”
“Come on, Catherine. You know how therapy works. I’m prodding you to find your own answers.”
“You’re fucking with me is what you’re doing!”
“Who do you think tried to kill you today?”
“It might have been a black guy who knew my dad years ago. I don’t know. Do you know?”
“No. But
“You said the New Orleans murders both are and aren’t connected to my personal life. What did you mean by that?”
“What do you think I meant?”
I close my eyes and try not to scream. I feel like I’m in a Kafka novel. Every question is answered by another question; everyone around me knows the obvious truth about my life, but I can’t see it. “What are you trying to tell me? Everyone keeps asking me if I was ever your patient. Have you given them that idea?”
“Do you think you might have been my patient at some point?”
“I’m hanging up this phone in five seconds.”
“No, you’re not. My experimental group is called Group X. Does that ring a bell anywhere?”
“We don’t have time for this,” Malik says, his voice suddenly impatient. “Not now. But I do want to talk to you-preferably on film. Will you appear on camera?”
“
“Then-”
“I thought the FBI confiscated all your video equipment.”
“I still have a camera with me. Quite a good one. Look, you can’t understand it yet, but there’s a symmetry to all this. An underlying symmetry that you’ll ultimately appreciate. We need to find a safe place to meet, a place where we can speak privately. We should do it tomorrow. When we’re finished, you take possession of my film. At that point, I’ll turn myself over to the FBI.”
“Why don’t you just leave your film with your lawyer?”
“Because I despise lawyers. I intend to represent myself.”
“I don’t wish to be ungracious,” Malik says, “but if you don’t come-or if you bring the FBI with you-you’ll never know the answer to the mystery of your own life. Now, I’ve been in one place for too long. Do you remember the phone number I gave you?”
I spit the number back at him like a curse.
“Good. Call it tomorrow and leave a different number where I can reach you. Not your cell. And don’t get too chummy with John Kaiser. He doesn’t really care about either of us.”
The phone goes dead in my hand.
Chapter 36
I feel like I’m going to puke.
Fear is worse than death. Death is but the end of life, and I know it well. What I know, I can fight. What can be named, I can endure. But what lies in shadow, I can neither fight nor endure. My whole life seems a shadow now, a performance invented to fill the void of my true past. For every childhood memory I possess, a thousand have been lost. I’ve always known that. Back beyond a certain point in time, there’s simply nothing. When other kids talked about this or that indelible moment from their time as toddlers, I reached backward and found only a blank wall. A child without a childhood-that’s how I felt. And I never knew why.
This afternoon I thought I’d learned the answer. As terrible as it was, at least it put firm ground beneath my feet. But now that ground has shifted, a seismic change wrought by only a few words from a psychiatrist’s mouth.
I don’t want to think about the things Dr. Malik said.
I want the questions to stop.
I want a drink.
Failing that, I want a Valium. But I can’t take one. And thinking of the reason why-the baby in my tummy- suddenly brings up my steak and eggs with a vengeance. I fall to my knees over the toilet, retching and shivering as
