Flowers for Algernon

I told him I had wondered about it when we came into his office.

'Well, how many people do you know who are pre­pared to take a grown man into his arms and let him nurse with the bottle? And take the chance of having the patient urinate or defecate all over him? You look surprised. You can't understand it, can you, from way up there in your research ivory tower? What do you know about being shut out from every human experience as our patients have been?'

I couldn't restrain a smile, and he apparently misun­derstood, because he stood up and ended the conversation abruptly. If I come back here to stay, and he finds out the whole story, I'm sure he'll understand. He's the kind of man who would.

As I drove out of Warren, I didn't know what to think. The feeling of cold grayness was everywhere around me—a sense of resignation. There had been no talk of rehabili­tation, of cure, of someday sending these people out into the world again. No one had spoken of hope. The feeling was of living death—or worse, of never having been fully alive and knowing. Souls withered from the beginning, and doomed to stare into the time and space of every day.

I wondered about the house-mother with her red-blotched face, and the stuttering shop teacher, and the motherly principal, and youthful tired-looking psycholo­gist, and wished I knew how they had found their way here to work and dedicate themselves to these silent minds. Like the boy who held the younger one in his arms, each had found a fulfillment in giving away a part of himself to those who had less.

And what about the things I wasn't shown?

I may soon be coming to Warren, to spend the rest of my life with the others… waiting.

July 15

I've been putting off a visit to my mother. I want to see her and I don't. Not until I'm sure what is going to happen to me. Let's see first how the work goes and what I discover.

Algernon refuses to run the maze any more; general motivation has decreased. I stopped off again today to see him, and this time Strauss was there too. Both he and Nemur looked disturbed as they watched Burt force-feed him. Strange to see the little puff of white clamped down on the worktable and Burt forcing the food down his throat with an eye-dropper.

If it keeps up this way, they'll have to start feeding him by injection. Watching Algernon squirm under those tiny bands this afternoon, I felt them around my own arms and legs. I started to gag and choke, and I had to get out of the lab for fresh air. I've got to stop identifying with him.

I went down to Murray's Bar and had a few drinks. And then I called Fay and we made the rounds. Fay is an­noyed that I've stopped taking her out dancing, and she got angry and walked out on me last night. She has no idea of my work and no interest in it, and when I do try to talk to her about it she makes no attempt to hide her boredom. She just can't be bothered, and I can't blame her. She's in­terested in only three things that I can see: dancing, paint­ing, and sex. And the only thing we really have in common is sex. It's foolish of me to try to interest her in my work. So she goes dancing without me. She told me that the other night she dreamed she had come into the apartment and set fire to all my books and notes, and that we went off dancing around the flames. I've got to watch out. She's be­coming possessive. I just realized tonight that my own place is starting to resemble her apartment—a mess. I've got to cut down on the drinking.

July 16

Alice met Fay last night. I'd been concerned about what would happen if they came face to face. Alice came to see me after she found out about Algernon from Burt. She knows what it may mean, and she still feels responsible for having encouraged me in the first place. We had coffee and we talked late. I knew that Fay had gone out dancing at the Stardust Ballroom, so I didn't expect her home so early. But at about one forty-five in the morning we were startled by Fay's sudden appearance on the fire-escape. She tapped, pushed open the half-open window and came waltzing into the room with a bottle in her hand.

'Crashing the party,' she said. 'Brought my own refreshments.'

I had told her about Alice working on the project at the university, and I had mentioned Fay to Alice earlier— so they weren't surprised to meet. But after a few seconds of sizing each other up, they started talking about art and me, and for all they cared I could have been anywhere else in the world. They liked each other.

'I'll get the coffee,' I said, and wandered out to the kitchen to leave them alone.

When I came back, Fay had taken off her shoes and was sitting on the floor, sipping gin out of the bottle. She was explaining to Alice that as far as she was concerned there was nothing more valuable to the human body than sunbathing, and that nudist colonies were the answer to the world's moral problems.

Alice was laughing hysterically at Fay's suggestion that we all join a nudist colony, and she leaned over and ac­cepted a drink that Fay poured for her.

We sat and talked until dawn, and I insisted on seeing Alice home. When she protested that it wasn't necessary, Fay insisted that she would be a fool to go out alone in the city at this hour. So I went down and hailed a cab.

'There's something about her,' said Alice on the way home. 'I don't know what it is. Her frankness, her open trust, her unselfishness…'

I agreed.

'And she loves you,' said Alice.

'No. She loves everyone,' I insisted. I'm just the neighbor across the hall.'

'Aren't you in love with her?'

I shook my head. 'You're the only woman, I've ever loved.'

'Let's not talk about that.'

'Then you've cut me off from an important source of conversation.'

'Only one thing I'm worried about, Charlie. The drinking. I've heard about some of those hangovers.'

'Tell Burt to confine his observations and reports to the experimental data. I won't have him poisoning you against me. I can handle the drinks.'

'I've heard that one before.'

'But never from me.'

'That's the only thing I have against her,' she said. 'She's got you drinking and she's interfering with your work.'

'I can handle that too.'

'This work is important now, Charlie. Not only to the world and millions of unknown people, but to you. Charlie, you've got to solve this thing for yourself as well. Don't let anyone tie your hands.'

'So, now the truth comes out,' I teased. 'You'd like me to see less of her.'

'That's not what I said.'

'It's what you meant. If she's interfering with my work we both know I've got to cut her out of my life.'

'No, I don't think you should cut her out of your life. She's good for you. You need a woman who's been around as she has.'

'You would be good for me.'

She turned her face away. 'Not in the same way she is.' She looked back at me. 'I came here tonight prepared to hate her. I wanted to see her as a vile, stupid whore you'd gotten mixed up with, and I had big plans about coming between you and saving you from her in spite of yourself. But now that I've met her, I realize I have no right to judge her behavior. I think she's good for you. So that really lets the air out of me. I like her even if I disapprove. But in spite of that, if you've got to drink with her and spend all of your time with her in night clubs and cabarets dancing, then she's in your way. And that's a problem only you can solve.'

'Another one of those?' I laughed.

'Are you up to this one? You're deeply involved with her. I can tell.'

'Not all that deep.'

'Have you told her about yourself?'

'No.'

Imperceptibly, I could see her relax. By keeping the se­cret about myself, I had somehow not committed myself to Fay completely. 'We both knew that, wonderful as she was, Fay would never understand.

'I needed her,' I said, 'and in a way she needed me, and living right across from each other, well it was just handy, that's all. But I wouldn't call it love—not the same thing that exists between us.'

She looked down at her hands and frowned. 'I'm not sure I know what does exist between us.'