Sex, Lies, and Vampires

we had passed together coming back to me with amazing clarity. I had told him my secret, bared my soul to him— how could I ever face him now that he knew what I was? A murderer, a weak, pathetic woman who had chosen to sacrifice her friend rather than herself.

You are not to blame for your friend's death, Hasi. His voice was soft with comfort in my head. The monster you inadvertently challenged was Asmodeus, one of the seven princes of hell. Even the most experienced of Charmers would hesitate to confront him.

I could have saved her, I wailed silently. If I had done something, he would have let her go, released her and taken me instead.

Cold air hit my back as the blanket was peeled off me, the bed lurching to the side with Adrian's weight. His hand stroked up my spine, causing shivers that had nothing to do with the chill of the room. There was nothing you could do, Nell. You had not the knowledge nor the power to save your friend from Asmodeus. It is a miracle you saved yourself. Lesser Charmers would not have been able to do even that.

I pulled my face from the pillow and turned to look at the man who sat at my side. He was dressed once again in black, his hair loose around his shoulders, his eyes a bright ice blue. 'It's my fault Beth died. If I hadn't agreed to try to unmake that curse, I wouldn't have drawn Asmodeus's attention, and she wouldn't have been caught.'

He nodded gravely. 'That is true. If you had not attempted to charm the curse, your friend would not have died, and you would not have had the stroke. I have not the ability to see the future to know which of my actions I will later regret, but I do not punish myself for that lack.'

'Yeah, but how many people have died as a result of your lack of foresight?' I muttered to the bed, forgetting for a moment to whom I was speaking.

His fingers were warm on my chin as he lifted it. You have seen into me, Hasi. You know that I am damned by those I have destroyed. You know that I am just as much a monster as the demon lord who struck you down.

'No,' I snarled, throwing myself on him, pushing him back onto the bed so I loomed over him, my lips brushing against his as I sank effortlessly into his mind. The raging emptiness inside him whirled around me, sucking me in, threatening to tear me apart in its fury. 'You are not a monster! You are not like Asmodeus! You are bound by a curse, Adrian, that's all.'

'That doesn't excuse what I have done. I have ruined lives, Hasi. I have handed my own people over to Asmodeus knowing they would not survive. You do not see clearly when you look at me. You see only what you want to see.'

'Do I?' I touched his cheek, his words sharp little shards of agony that pierced my soul. 'I think that I see clearer than you. Tell me, Adrian—what would have happened if you had not turned other Dark Ones over to Asmodeus?'

His eyes were as pale as frost. For a moment, he struggled with himself. 'He would have wreaked vengeance.'

'What sort of vengeance? Would he have been mad at you? Others?'

'Others. My people.'

'How?'

Pain roiled through him. He tried to turn his face away, but I wouldn't let him. 'How, Adrian?'

'He would have called upon his legions to destroy the Dark Ones.'

'All of you? Every one of you?'

'He would have tried to destroy all, yes. He does not have that power, but…'

I brushed my lips against his. 'But he'd have enough to wipe out a bunch of you?'

'Yes.' His eyes closed, but his pain was seeping from him, swamping me. I pushed it away, not wanting to accept it.

'So rather than risk global extermination of your people, you satisfied the demon lord by handing over a couple of your fellow vamps.'

He lay still beneath me, this man who had suffered so much. I had touched the depth of his agony, and I knew he had felt the full enormity of his actions. He was trapped, caught between a vengeful demon lord and his people, with no way to save either himself or the innocents he was forced to sacrifice. And yet, how many lives had he saved by having to do just that?

'It wasn't by your choice, Adrian. None of it was your choice.' I pressed my lips to the pulse in his throat, opening myself up to his pain, allowing it to merge with me, accepting it into my soul, returning it with acceptance and understanding and something I shied away from putting a name to.

And if the acts have been my choice? he asked, his fingers sliding into my hair as I nibbled around his lips. Would you condemn me? Would you damn me as the others have? Would you leave me?

Never, I said into his mind, my mouth caressing his. I nibbled his lips until they parted, allowing me in, the taste of him filling me with so many emotions I couldn't untangle them. You are not evil, Adrian. I could never fall in love with a man who was truly evil. You did the best you could, saved as many people as you could.

His fingers dug hard into my hips for a moment as I plundered the silk of his mouth; then roughly he pushed me aside, leaping up from the bed, his back to me as he spoke. 'You are too inexperienced to see the truth in me, Nell. I am no better than Asmodeus himself.'

My heart ached at the self-loathing in his voice. It was an emotion I was very familiar with, but one that Adrian was unjustly embracing. I also knew how destructive it could be unless it was nipped in the bud. I pushed myself off the bed, grabbing my clothes, jerking them on quickly. 'Will you stop with the pity party? I can't cope with my own wallow in self-pity and yours as well.'

His shoulders twitched as if I had stung him, but he didn't turn around to face me.

I sighed and pulled on my socks and shoes. 'You're not evil, you're not a monster, you're a man who's been cursed, that's all. That gives you a get-out-of-jail-free card as far as guilt goes.'

Dark Ones may not be able to conjure up things out of nothing, but they can move fast when they want to. One second I was standing glaring at Adrian's back, the next I was slammed up against the wall, his body hard and aggressive on mine as his eyes spat blue fire at me.

'I had choices,' he said slowly, his words as hard as granite. 'The deaths I caused, the Dark Ones I destroyed—I chose to do so.'

'Because of the curse,' I said gently, sliding my arms around him, holding him tight against me. He was filled with pain, a veritable whirlpool of anger and guilt and agony all tied in upon itself. I wanted to show him that the choices he made, the things he'd done, were not because he was a monster. A tremor went through his body as I melted into his mind, my lips pressed against the pulse point of his throat.

How can you have such faith in me when you have none in yourself?

I smiled into his neck as the torment within him receded until it was a dull throb. Call it womanly intuition. I just know I couldn't be falling in love with a man who took pleasure in others' pain. You might not realize that I can see it in you, but I know what price you've had to pay for being Asmodeus's servant. I know also that in each situation, you chose the lesser of two evils. A few Dark Ones died, yes, but how many didn't die because you were strong enough to do what had to be done?

He said nothing verbally or mentally, but I sensed that behind the remaining anguish a deep well of sorrow kept him in check. Warm lips caressed my ear for a moment; then he pulled back and collected his satchel. 'The toilet is at the end of the hall. I will meet you downstairs in five minutes.'

He left the room without a backward glance.

'About this ring of Asmodeus's that you were looking for at Christian's castle…' I began.

Adrian glanced at me, the hand resting on my waist tightening with a possessiveness that thrilled me to my toenails as we made our way through the darkening streets of Cologne, past the magnificent cathedral toward the main train station. 'Why do you ask about the ring? You said you did not see it.'

Actually, I hadn't said anything of the kind, but only because I still wasn't exactly sure what the item I'd found at the castle was… and Adrian hadn't left me alone long enough to examine it, I wasn't sure it wasn't an earring, but it sure seemed like it could be the ring Adrian had been looking for. My best bet was to get a little more information so I could make a decision about it. 'I'm curious about something