else's life again until last year when—'
I watched him as he took a breath and exhaled. My muscles trembled, waiting for it.
'God, I'm sorry, Rachel,' he whispered. 'I swore I'd try to never have to kill anyone again. Maybe that's why Piscary doesn't want me as his scion now. He wants someone to share the experience, and I won't do it. He was the one who actually killed them, but I was there. I helped. I held them down, kept them busy while he gleefully butchered them one by one. That they deserved it hardly seems justification anymore. Not with the way he did it.'
'Kisten?' I said hesitantly, pulse fast.
He turned, and I froze, trying not to be frightened. His eyes had gone black in the memory. 'That feeling of pure domination is a twisted, addictive high,' he said, the lost hunger in his voice chilling me. 'It took me a long time to learn how to let go of that so I could remember the inhuman savagery of it, hidden by the jolt of pure adrenaline. I lost myself with Piscary's thoughts and strength flooding me, but I know how to wield it now, Rachel. I can be both his scion and a just person. I can be his enforcer and a gentle lover. I know I can walk the balance. He's punishing me right now, but he'll take me back. And when he does, I'll be ready.'
What the hell was I doing here?
'So,' I said, hearing my voice tremble. 'That's it?'
'Yeah. That's it,' he said flatly. 'The first was under Piscary's orders to make an example of someone luring underage kids. It was excessive, but I was young and stupid, trying to prove to Piscary that I'd do anything for him, and he took enjoyment from seeing me agonize about it later. The last time was to stop a new camarilla from forming. They were advocating a return to pre-Turn traditions of abducting people no one would miss. The woman.' His eyes flicked to me. 'That's the one that haunts me. That's when I decided to be honest when I could. I swore I'd never end another innocent's life again. It doesn't matter that she lied to me…' His eyes closed and his grip on the wheel trembled. The light from across the median showed the lines of pain on his face.
Oh God. He had killed someone in a passionate rage.
'And then I ended sixteen lives tonight,' he whispered.
I was so stupid. He admitted to killing people—people the I.S. probably would thank him for getting rid of, but people nevertheless. I had come into this knowing he wasn't the 'safe boyfriend,' but I'd had the safe boyfriend and always ended up hurt. And despite the brutality he was capable of, he was being honest. People had died tonight in a horrible tragedy, but that hadn't been his intent.
'Kisten?' My eyes dropped to his hands, his short round nails carefully kept clean and close to his fingertips.
'I had the bomb set,' he said, guilt making his voice harsh.
I hesitantly reached to take his hands from the wheel. My fingers felt cold against his. 'You didn't kill them. Lee did.'
His eyes were black in the uncertain light when he turned to me. I sent my hand behind his neck to pull him closer, and he resisted. He was a vampire, and that wasn't an easy thing to be—it wasn't an excuse, it was a fact. That he was being forthright meant more to me than his ugly past. And he had sat there while he thought I was turning him in and did nothing. He had ignored what he believed and trusted me. I would try to trust him.
I couldn't help but feel for him. Watching Ivy, I had come to the conclusion that being a master vampire's scion was very much like being in a mentally abusive relationship where love had been perverted by sadism. Kisten was trying to distance himself from his master's masochistic demands. He had distanced himself, he had distanced himself so far that Piscary had dumped him for a soul even more desperate for acceptance: my roommate. Swell.
Kisten was alone. He was hurting. He was being honest with me—I couldn't walk away. We had both done questionable things, and I couldn't label him as evil when I was the one with the demon mark. Circumstances had made our choices for us. I did the best I could. So did he.
'It wasn't your fault they died,' I said again, feeling as if I had found a new way to see. Before me lay the same world, but I was looking around corners. What was I becoming? Was I a fool to trust, or a wiser person finding the capacity to forgive?
Kisten heard the acceptance of his past in my voice, and the relief reflected in his face was so strong that it was almost painful. My hand on his neck slid forward, drawing him closer over the console. 'It's okay,' I whispered as his hands slipped from my fingers and took my shoulders. 'I understand.'
'I don't think you can….' he insisted.
'Then we'll deal with it when I do.' Tilting my head, I closed my eyes and leaned to find him. His grip on my shoulder eased, and I found myself reaching after him, drawn in as our lips touched. My fingers pressed into his neck, urging him closer. A jolt struck through me, bringing my blood to the surface, tingling through me as his kiss deepened, promising more. It didn't stem from my scar, and I drew his hand to it, almost gasping when his fingertips traced the light, almost unseen scar tissue. The thought of Ivy's dating guide flitted through me, and I saw it all in an entirely new way. Oh God, the things I could do with this man.
Maybe I needed the dangerous man, I thought as a wild emotion rose in me. Only someone who had done wrong could understand that, yes, I did questionable things too, but that I was still a good person. If Kisten could be both, then maybe that meant I could be, too.
And with that, I abandoned all pretense of thought. His hand feeling my pulse and my lips pulling on his, I sent my tongue hesitantly between his lips, knowing a gentle inquiry would strike a hotter chord than a demanding touch. I found a smooth tooth, and I curled my tongue around it, teasing.
Kisten's breath came fast and he jerked away.
I froze as he was suddenly not there, the heat of him still a memory on my skin. 'I'm not wearing my caps,' he said, the black swelling in his eyes and my scar pulsing in promise. 'I was so worried about you, I didn't take the time to…I'm not…' He took a shaking breath. 'God, you smell good.'
Heart pounding, I forced myself back into my seat, watching him as I tucked my hair behind an ear. I wasn't sure I cared if he had his caps on or not. 'Sorry,' I said breathlessly, blood still pounding through me. 'I didn't mean to go that far.' But you just sort of pull it out of me.
'Don't be sorry. You're not the one who's been neglecting—things.' Blowing his breath out, Kisten tried to hide his heady look of want. Under the rougher emotions was a soft look of grateful understanding and relief. I had accepted his ugly past, knowing his future might not be any better.
Saying nothing, he put the car in first and accelerated. I held the door until we slid back onto the road, glad nothing had changed though everything was different.
'Why are you so good to me?' he said softly as we picked up speed and passed a car.
Because I think I could love you? I thought, but I couldn't say it yet.
Thirty
My head came up at the faint sound of knocking. Giving me a warning look, Ivy stood, stretching for the kitchen's ceiling. 'I'll get it,' she said. 'It's probably more flowers.'
I took a bite of cinnamon toast and muttered around my full mouth, 'If it's food, bring it back, will you?'
Sighing, Ivy walked out, both sexy and casual in her black exercise tights and a thigh-length baggy sweater. The radio was on in the living room, and I had mixed feelings about the announcer talking about the tragedy of the boat explosion early last night. They even had a clip of Trent telling everyone I had died saving his life.
This was really odd, I thought as I wiped butter from my fingers. Things had been showing up on our doorstep. It was nice to know I would be missed, and I hadn't known I had touched so many lives. It wasn't going to be pretty when I came out of the closet as being alive, though—kind of like standing someone up at the altar and having to give all the presents back. 'Course, if I died tonight, I'd go to my grave knowing just who my friends were. I kinda felt like Huck Finn.
'Yeah?' Ivy's wary voice came back through the church.
'I'm David. David Hue,' came a familiar voice, and swallowing the last bite of toast, I ambled up to the front of the church. I was starving, and I wondered if Ivy was slipping Brimstone into my coffee to try to build my body's reserves after that dunk in the river.
