misunderstanding. 'I'm not leaving the firm!' I said. 'I meant smarter decisions on who I trusted. I don't want to leave. I want to try to find a blood balance with you.'
Ivy's lips parted. Turned as she was to me, the streetlight glinted on her perfect teeth, and then she snapped her mouth shut.
'Surprise,' I said weakly, my pulse fast. This was the scariest thing I'd done in a while—including standing down three Were packs.
For six heartbeats Ivy stared at me. Then she shook her head. 'No,' she said firmly, resettling herself to face forward and put herself in shadow. 'You don't understand. I lost control. If Jenks hadn't interfered, I would have killed you. Jenks is right. I'm a danger to everyone I care about. You have no idea how hard it is to find and maintain a blood relationship. Especially if I leave you unbound.' Her voice was calm but I could hear panic in it. 'And I'm by God not going to bind you to me to make it easier. If I do, everything would be what I want, not what we want.'
I thought of Jenks's warning and had a doubt, then remembered Kisten telling me of her past and felt a stab of fear. But the memory of her heavy sobs as she lay crumpled on the pavement filled me, the despair in her eyes when Jenks said she ruined everything she cared about. No, he had said she ruined everything she loved. And seeing that same despair hiding in her fierce words, determination filled me. I couldn't let her believe that.
'You said I needed to trust the right people,' I said softly. Heart pounding, I hesitated. 'I trust you.'
Ivy threw her hands in the air in exasperation and turned to face me. 'God, Rachel, I could have killed you! As in dead! You know what that means? Dead? I do!'
My own ire flared, and I sat up. 'Yeah? Well…I can be a little more savvy,' I said belligerently. 'I can take some responsibility for keeping things under control, be a little more aware of what's going on and not let you lose yourself…like that. We'll do better next time.'
'There isn't going to be a next time.' Stoic and unmoving, Ivy sat deathly still. The streetlight glinted on her short hair, and she stared at the shadowy pavement, intermittently lit from yellow bulbs. Abruptly she turned to look at me. 'You say you want to find a blood balance, but you just refused to take more Brimstone. You can't have your cake and eat it too, witch. You want the blood ecstasy? You need the Brimstone to stay alive.'
She thought this was about the ecstasy? Insulted she thought me that shallow, my lips pressed together. 'This isn't about you being Ms. Good Feeling and filling me with that…that euphoria,' I said angrily. 'I can get that from any vamp on the riverfront. This is about me being your friend!'
Emotion poured over her face. 'You made it very clear you don't want to be that kind of a friend!' she said loudly. 'And if you aren't, then there's no way I can do this! I tried to fix myself, but I can't. The only way I can keep from killing people now is if I shackle the hunger with love, damn it! And you don't want me to touch you that way!'
I'd never seen her show her feelings like this, but I wasn't going to back down—even though she was starting to scare me. 'Oh, get off it, Ivy,' I said, sliding a few inches from her. 'It's obvious from yesterday that you can share blood without sleeping with someone.' She gaped at me, and I flushed. 'Okay, I admit it—it didn't turn out all that well, but God! It kind of surprised both of us. We just need to go slow. You don't have to have sex to find a feeling of closeness and understanding. Lord knows I feel that way about you. Use that to shackle your hunger.' My face flushed hot in the cool night air. 'Isn't that what love is?'
She continued to look at me, hiding her emotions again behind her black eyes.
'So you almost killed me,' I said. 'I let you do it! The point is, I saw you. For one instant you were the person you want to be, strong and comfortable with who she is and what she needs, with no guilt and at peace with herself!'
Ivy went pale in the streetlight. Terrified. Embarrassed, I looked away to give her time to cover her raw emotions.
'I liked being able to put you there,' I said softly. 'It's a hell of a good feeling. Better than the euphoria. I want to put you there again. I…liked seeing you like that.'
Ivy stared at me, her hope so fragile, it hurt to see it. There was a sheen of moisture to her eyes, and she didn't say anything, just sat with a stiff, frightened posture.
'I don't know if I can do this,' I admitted, talking because she wasn't. 'But I don't want to pretend it didn't happen. Can we just agree that it did and play it day by day?'
Taking a breath, Ivy broke out of her stance. 'It happened,' she said, voice shaking. 'It's not going to happen again.' I leaned forward to protest, but she interrupted me with a quick, 'Why didn't you use your magic to stop me?'
Surprised, I sat back. 'I—I didn't want to hurt you.'
She blinked fast, and I knew she was trying not to cry. 'You trusted that I wouldn't kill you, even by accident?' she asked. Her perfect face was again blank of emotion, but I knew it was the only way she had to protect herself.
Remembering what Kisten had once said about living vampires craving trust nearly as much as they craved blood, I nodded. But the memory was followed by fear. He also said Piscary had warped her into something capable of mindlessly killing what she loved so he could lap up her despair when she came to him, shamed and broken. But she was not that same person. Not anymore. 'I trusted you,' I whispered. 'I still do.'
A truck was approaching, the headlights shining on her face to show a shiny track of moisture. 'That's why we can't do this, Rachel,' she said, and I was afraid that Piscary might own her still.
The approaching panel truck drove past too slowly. A sliver of warning brought me still, and I watched it without appearing to, taking the cold night air smelling of diesel fuel deep into me. The truck braked too long and was hesitant when it made the turn.
'Yes, I saw it,' Ivy said when my shoes scraped the cement. 'We should get back to the room. Peter will be here by sunup.'
She was ending the conversation, but I wasn't going to let her go that easy. 'Ivy,' I said as I rose, gathering my bag from beside hers, wanting to try again. 'I—'
She jerked to her feet, shocking me to silence. 'Don't,' she said, eyes black in the streetlight. 'Just don't. I made a mistake. I just want everything to be the way it was.'
But I didn't.
Twenty-eight
There was an unfamiliar car next to Nick's dented pickup when we pulled into the motel's lot. Ivy was driving, and I watched her eyes go everywhere before she turned the wheel and stopped in an open spot. It was a black BMW with a rental sticker. At least it appeared black; it was hard to tell in the streetlight. Engine still running, Ivy looked at it, her gaze giving nothing away. Thinking Walter had changed his mind, I went to get out.
'Wait,' Ivy said, and I tensed.
From our room, a shaft of light spilled from a curtain being pulled aside. Nick's long face peered out, and upon seeing us, he let the fabric fall. Ivy cut the engine, the low rumble dying to leave only the memory of it echoing. 'Okay,' she said. 'Now you can get out.'
I would have gotten out even if it had been Water, but relieved, I yanked the door open and eased from the leather seats. Our cut-short conversation at the trolley stop had left me unsettled. I'd let her think all she had to do was say no and everything was settled, but she would be replaying the conversation in her head for days. And when the time was right, I was going to bring it up again. Maybe over a carton of red curry takeout.
I got our bags from the back, their soft rattle mixing with the aggressive rumble of the street-racer escort we had to the motel. 'I hate plastic,' Ivy said, taking the bags from me and rolling them so they quit rattling.
The door to our room opened and I squinted at the light. So that's why Ivy always used canvas bags. It wasn't because she was especially ecominded. They were quiet.
The light cut off as Nick slipped out and eased the door shut behind him. The street Weres in the lot across the road revved their cars, and I waved sarcastically to them. They didn't wave back, but I saw the flicker of a lighter when they lit up and settled in.
Nick looked more than a little concerned as he came to meet us, his eyes fixed on the Weres. His tall, gaunt
