much younger too. Say, sixteen.
“You came in late last night,” she said.
Myron made a grunting noise.
“What time did you finally get home?”
“Really late. It was almost ten.” Myron Bolitar, the late-night scream machine.
“So,” Mom began, struggling to look and sound casual, “who were you out with?” Mistress of the Subtle.
“Nobody,” he said.
“Nobody? You were out all night with nobody?”
Myron looked left and right. “When are you going to bring in the hot lights and jumper cables?”
“Fine, Myron. If you don’t want to tell me-”
“I don’t want to tell you.”
“Fine. Was it a girl?”
“Mom…”
“Okay, forget I asked.”
Myron reached for the phone and dialed Win’s number. After the eighth ring he began to hang up when a weak, distant voice coughed. “Hello?”
“Win?”
“Yeah.”
“You okay?”
“Hello?”
“Win?”
“Yeah.”
“What took you so long to answer the phone?”
“Hello?”
“Win?”
“Who is this?”
“Myron.”
“Myron Bolitar?”
“How many Myrons do you know?”
“Myron Bolitar?”
“No, Myron Rockefeller.”
“Something’s wrong,” Win said.
“What?”
“Terribly wrong.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Some asshole is calling me at seven in the morning pretending to be my best friend.”
“Sorry, I forgot the time.” Win was not what one would call a morning person. During their years at Duke, Win was never out of bed before noon-even on the days he had a morning class. He was, in fact, the heaviest sleeper Myron had ever known or imagined. Myron’s parents, on the other hand, woke up when somebody in the Western hemisphere farted. Before Myron moved into the basement, the same scenario was played out nightly:
Around three in the morning, Myron would get out of bed to go to the bathroom. As he tiptoed past his parents’ bedroom, his father would stir ever so slowly, as though someone had dropped a Popsicle on his crotch.
“Who’s that?” his father would shout.
“Just me, Dad.”
“Is that you, Myron?”
“Yes, Dad.”
“Are you okay, son?”
“Fine, Dad.”
“What are you doing up? You sick or something?”
“I’m just going to the bathroom, Dad. I’ve been going to the bathroom by myself since I was fourteen.”
During their sophomore year at Duke, Myron and Win lived in the smallest double on campus with a bunk bed that Win said “creaks slightly” and Myron said “sounds like a duck being run over by a back hoe.” One morning, when the bed was quiet and he and Win were asleep, a baseball crashed through their window. The noise was so deafening that their entire dorm jumped out of bed and rushed to see if Myron and Win had survived the wrath of whatever gigantic meteorite had fallen through the roof. Myron rushed to the window to yell obscenities. Dorm members stamped across the underwear-carpeted floor to join in the tirade. The ensuing reverberations were loud enough to disturb a diner waitress on her coffee break.
Win just lay asleep, a blanket of broken glass strewn over his blanket.
The next night, Myron called through the darkness of his bottom bunk. “Win?”
“Yes.”
“How do you sleep so soundly?” But Win didn’t answer because he’d fallen asleep.
On the phone Win asked, “What do you want?”
“Did all go well last night?”
“Mr. O’Connor hasn’t called you yet?”
“He has.” End of subject. Myron didn’t want details.
“I know,” Win continued, “that you did not awaken me to question my effectiveness.”
“Kathy Culver got only one A in her senior year at Ridgewood High. Guess who her teacher was.”
“Who?”
“Gary Grady.”
“Hmm. Dial-a-porn and high school English. Interesting vocational mix.”
“I was thinking we could go see Mr. Grady this morning.”
“At the school?”
“Sure. The two of us can pretend we’re concerned parents.”
“For the same kid?”
“Putting the rainbow curriculum to the test.”
Win laughed. “This is going to be fun.”
Chapter 15
“How do we find him?” Win asked.
They arrived at Ridgewood High School at nine-thirty. It was a warm June day, the kind of day where you stared at the window and daydreamed about the end of school. Not much movement around the building-as though the entire school, even the edifice, were coasting toward summer vacation.
Myron remembered how miserable such days were. It gave him an idea.
“Let’s pull the fire alarm,” he said.
“I beg your pardon.”
“We’ll get everyone outside. It’ll be easier to spot him.”
“Idiotically ingenious,” Win said.
“Besides, I always wanted to pull a fire alarm.”
“Walk on the wild side.”
No one noticed them when they entered the school. There were no guards, no locks on the door, no hall monitors of any kind. This was not an urban high school. Myron found a fire alarm not too far from the entrance.
“Kids, don’t try this at home,” Myron said. He pulled. Bells went off. Then cheers from the kids. Myron felt good about his deed. He thought about pulling alarms more often but decided some might construe the act as immature.
Win held the door open and pretended to be a fire marshal. “Single file,” he told the students. “And remember:
