“Dinner’s in four hours.”
“C’mon, Mike. We can’t see America from hotel rooms.”
“Sure you can. Window’s right over there.”
“You know what I mean. C’mon. There’s all those weirdo Texans out there to gawp at.”
“For someone who plays Champion to Perverts as much as you do, you’re awfully dismissive of the great state of Texas.”
“Oh, give me a break. This is Jesusland. Red State. Ma Ferguson country.”
“Who?”
“Mike, you are a cultural void.”
“Probably. Who?”
“Ma Ferguson. Governor of Texas back in the 1920s. When someone tried to get Spanish taught in schools, you know what she said? ‘If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, then it’s good enough for Texas!’ Mike, these are the people who want to put people like me in prison.”
I finished my drink. Smiled sweetly. “Miriam Amanda Ferguson, young lady. She ran as an anti-Klan candidate at a time when there were almost half a million Klan members in Texas. Pardoned two thousand prisoners.”
Trix frowned. “You’re kidding me.”
I jerked a thumb at the window. “1939, a civil rights leader gave a speech here in San Antonio, given legal coverage by the mayor. The Klan arranged a riot, and tried to kill the mayor. Not long after, the Klan were burned out of San Antonio and haven’t had a building here since. You know the mayor’s name?”
“You’re going to tell me. You’re enjoying this too much not to.”
“Mayor Maverick.”
I enjoyed the face she made.
“Couldn’t make this stuff up, could you?”
“What’s your point?”
“My point. Yes. My point is that people are the same all over. It’s not like you’re flying into a jungle when you go south. Texans, Minnesotans, Montanans, other ‘ans’ beginning with Ts and Ms—all the goddamn same, same mix of heroes and pricks, same old bunch of nice and nasty.”
“And this is your motivation for not wanting to go out for a walk? That it’s all the same out there?”
“Yep.”
“You’re a lazy bastard.”
“That, too. But your whole Us-and-Them Thing doesn’t work when it’s all Us.”
“But mostly you’re a lazy bastard.”
“Yep.”
“How the hell did you know that, anyway?”
“Way back when I was working at Pinkerton, I had to update an in-house dossier on the Klan. I used to be kind of thorough, and stuff sticks in my head. You know that in some places the Klan became general moral guardians and started flaying white men for getting divorces?”
“Is your head just filled with useless information?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe. Okay.” I struggled up out of my chair. “Let’s go see the Alamo. Apparently it’s never been the same since Ozzy Osbourne pissed on it.”
“Ozzy Osbourne’s funny. He never really did that, right? It’s like the story about the bat.”
“Nope. Ozzy Osbourne pissed on the Alamo. But he wasn’t wearing a dress. However, I happen to know that he got the soft treatment. Two-hundred-buck fine for public intoxication. But he actually committed a crime called desecration of a venerated object, because the Alamo is officially a shrine. Should’ve gotten a year in prison.”
“You’re trying to bore me into a coma so you don’t have to go out, aren’t you?”
“Yes. Let me tell you about the rogue Judas tribe of Native Americans, the Potowatomi, who sided with the French and the British before coming to Texas—”
“Fine, fine, I’ll watch some television—”
“But you know? If you look closely at the front of the Alamo, the top-right area, you can see where the numbers 666 have become visible on the brick since Ozzy pissed on the building. But you want to watch television. That’s fine. It’ll keep.”
Trix hit me with lots of things.
Chapter 23
And to make up for being an asshole, I had to buy her some clothes.
We were going out to dinner, and she was worried about Bob. More worried than I was, I realize now, or perhaps just more sensitive to his touch of crazy. I think I just wanted to keep thinking of him as Teflon Bob. So she didn’t want to wear anything that might stand out in what she felt was an essentially conservative town. Didn’t want to make Bob uncomfortable. And I, apparently, needed to be punished for trying to educate her.
Not that I was doing anything of the sort. I was just being an asshole. So we shopped for clothes.
