York, let alone a plane ticket to Argentina or Switzerland. I slammed the keyboard in aggravation and the librarian gave me a stern look of admonishment. A new headache pounded behind my eyes. Frustrated and angrier than ever, I logged off and stormed out of the library. I had two more things on my To Do list for the day.
* * *
Okay, so I was definitely going to die. I’d given up all hope of there being any last-minute reprieve. The doctor wasn’t going to call and say that it had all been a mistake, just one of those crazy mix-ups. Traditional medicine wasn’t going to work, and the alternatives were no fucking alternative.
My life was a bitch, then I died. End of story. It was time to shut the fuck up and get on with it. Get on with dealing with it. Get on with dying. And especially time to get on with making plans to cover my ass and my family. The bank job was only part of that insurance policy. Next on my list was the funeral parlor. Stop and think about it for a minute. How many people really get to plan their own funerals? Not as many as you might think. I figured that I’d take advantage of the opportunity.
I’d driven by the Myers Funeral Home a thousand times, but I’d never been inside. I guess it’s that way for most people. A funeral home isn’t the kind of place you go to hang out on a Friday night. You don’t go there unless you have a very specific reason. There were only two other cars in the parking lot, a black hearse and a matching black BMW. I got out of the truck and stared at the building. My mother had been taken care of by the funeral home across town, and this was the first time I’d seen this one up close. It was pretty daunting—cold, gray granite walls and huge weeping willow trees that kept the place hidden in their sprawling shadows. Tall pillars and a stone archway crowned a set of red marble stairs that led up to the main doors.
Swallowing hard, I climbed them. Dead leaves crunched under my feet. After a moment’s pause, I went inside. It was quiet, quieter than the library, and it smelled like a hospital. You know that chemical, antiseptic smell? I don’t know what I expected— flowers maybe, or even formaldehyde— but not that empty air.
An older man with jet-black hair and a matching black suit met me in the lobby and smiled politely. He smelled just like the rest of the place. When he shook my hand, his palm was like dry ice.
“Good afternoon, sir. My name is Anthony Myers. Welcome to the Myers Funeral Home. I’m pleased to be of service.”
“How you doing,” I mumbled, letting go of his hand. “I’m Tommy. Tommy O’Brien.”
“How do you do, Mr. O’Brien?”
His usage of Mister in front of my last name made me think of the doctor. I shrugged it off.
“How can I be of assistance to you today?” he asked.
“Well,” I struggled, unsure of how to put it, “I need to check into funeral prices and stuff like that.”
He gave me a sad, sympathetic smile and nodded. “I see. I see. Well, Mr. O’Brien, let me assure you that both of my sons and our entire staff are ready and able to assist you. This is a family-owned and -operated business, so we understand families quite well. We want to ensure that your immediate needs as well as your anticipated needs for the future are fully satisfied.”
“Uh-huh.” I nodded. It sounded like he was reading off a cue card.
“Normally, we have family counselors on hand to answer your questions, but since this is Sunday, I’ve given them the day off. That’s one of the benefits of being the owner. I will, however, be more than happy to assist you. Curiously enough, do you have fire insurance, Mr. O’Brien?”
The question threw me for a moment.
“No. Why?”
“Well, many people do, yet the chances of a fire are one in one thousand three hundred. You have automobile insurance, I presume?”
Rather than telling him that the policy was about to expire if we didn’t pay the premium, I just nodded.
“Of course you do. All drivers in this state are required to. Yet the odds of being in an accident are only one in two hundred and fifty.”
“So what’s your point, Mr. Myers?”
“My point is that your odds in this case are one in one. It’s a service that everyone eventually needs. And my family has been providing that service for over a half century. In short, we can help you.”
“Okay, okay. I get the picture. Look, let me be straight up with you. I’m not interested in a sales pitch. I need cold, hard facts, not a brochure.”
“I understand, and I apologize if I came across that way. We don’t view it as selling, Mr. O’Brien. Easing a difficult time is our objective. We offer nothing less than total perfection, and we demand that of ourselves as well. You may be wondering how we do that. Well, by not losing our compassion for the families we serve. Who is the deceased, if I may ask?”
“I am. I’m the— the deceased. Well, I will be soon, at least. I— I have cancer. At a very advanced stage.” I almost added It’s growing at an alarming rate but didn’t.
He paused, then found his way around the roadblock and back into the sales pitch.
“I see. How regretful. How tragic. You certainly have my condolences, Mr. O’Brien. You would not be the first person we’ve assisted in a similar situation, but it always saddens me deeply. Of course, prearranging your funeral service is something we can assist you with as well, obviously. People often feel uncomfortable talking about it. Many think that prearrangement means a preoccupation with death, but that is simply not true. Rather, it is a personal tool for a family’s emotional and financial preparation. Many of our customers prearrange their own funerals. In your case, I think it is very much the right and honorable thing to do. Have you conferred with the rest of your family?”
“Not exactly. Sooner or later I guess I’ll have to, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. It’s hard to bring up.”
“I certainly understand. Well, the first step is to get together with your family. Offer them your thoughts and listen to theirs carefully as well. I would strongly recommend that you pursue that course of action before we proceed. If you consider it for a moment, Mr. O’Brien, you’ll see that your funeral will most directly affect your family, so it is essential to include their suggestions in your plans. When will you have the opportunity to speak with them regarding this? Perhaps they could accompany you back here, or we could make an appointment to meet with you all in your home?”
“To be honest, right now, I just wanted to get an idea how much it was going to cost and everything, you know? What all’s involved and stuff like that?”
“Very well.” He gave me a curt nod and continued. “Normally, the next step, as I said, would be to arrange a conference between myself and your family members. During that meeting, we would discuss the funeral choices that will help to create a tribute that is appropriate and meaningful to you all.”
“Is there a charge for that?”
“For the counseling meeting with the family, Mr. O’Brien?”
“Yeah. How much does that cost?”
He cleared his throat and began to repeat himself. “Well, that’s all part of the process, you see. Funding a prearranged service eases the financial burden on your family members. It allows you to be assured of an adequate fund for future payment. However, in a case like yours, an exception would have to be made. If you don’t mind my saying so, I take it that I’m correct in assuming that a five-year financing plan is not something you’d be interested in?”
“Yeah, you could say that. In five years, the whole thing would be kind of moot.”
“I see. And how would you be paying for any services rendered by us?”
“Cash and up front.”
He brightened.
“Have you given any thought as to what type of service you would like?”
“I don’t know. I’m Irish, so I guess a wake would be kind of cool. I could see my friends hanging out and getting drunk over the casket, you know? Pump some tunes in, maybe turn the bass up. That would be all right.”
“Sadly, I’m afraid that we do not allow alcoholic beverages on the premises, Mr. O’Brien. You need a liquor license in the state of Pennsylvania to do that.”
“Oh. Well, that’s okay. My wife would have probably shit a brick if we did something like that anyway.”
He flinched, then asked again.
“So, other than a wake, do you have any preferences?”
